This Month in History:

• 2006 AD- Only one month after being commissioned, NCV-738 U.S.S. William Henry Harrison sinks to the bottom of the Atlantic.
• 2002 AD- Respect for the environment reaches an all-time high of .067% of the population.
• 2000 AD- Thanks to the continued success of comedy, humorism is finally declared dead.
• 1998 AD- In order to advance his post-The Wonder Years career, Josh “Paul Pfeiffer” Saviano, reinvents himself as shock rocker Marlene Berkowitz.
• 1993 AD- A peanut allergy causing virus is perfected by the Walnut Council.
• 1973 AD- Sloppy Whitehouse janitor Earl Shecky is added to Nixon’s enemy list.
• 1950 AD- Timothy Dawson, father of three, comes home after a long day at the office and lights up his pipe.
• 1918 AD- After tripping up in No Man’s Land, First Lieutenant Miles Raspail Thompson curses Joseph Glidden and his so-called “barbed-style wires.”
• 1896 AD- After his horse dies miles from home in the freezing cold, junk man David Rosen of Detroit cuts her open and sleeps inside the carcass to keep warm. Years later a young filmmaker reads of this and includes it in one of his films.
• 1776 AD- Tired and worn-out after a night of composing, Thomas Jefferson pens a silly little piece of writing that he calls “The Declaration of Indigestion.”
• 1666 AD- As it is “The Year of the Beast,” John Fish sits in his wood bin, fingers in his ears, waiting for Armageddon.
• 1492 AD- Spaniards arrive in North America to replace the ancient horse population which had died out thousands of years earlier.
• 1330 AD- Shortly before the birth of future Shogun Ashikaga Yoshiakira, those near his mother hear screams of pain.
• 1184 AD- After falling for the same trick eighty-six consecutive times, French Crusaders follow an apparently fleeing Muslim army into a narrow mountain pass, just in case it might actually work this time.
• 1041 AD- Samuel Aba becomes king of Hungary, beginning over 900 years of the world not caring what happens in Hungary.
• 863 AD- Gradu the Barber, in the first written account of the city of Smolensk, states that “it’s a one donkey town.”
• 770 AD- Halfer the Blacksmith decides to start making horse shoes out of iron so he doesn’t have to see that annoying Lord Grefter and his snotty six-year old son so often.
• 622 AD- Following in the foot steps of other religions of peace such as Judaism and Christianity, Muslims found their religion on the invasion and destruction of other lands and people.
• 504 AD- The Mitriani, a long-lived alien race with a small population, land on a largish coral outcropping in the Pacific. Finding little in the way of intelligent life, they decide to have their equivalent of a can of soda before leaving. 1400 years later, Americans decide they really like Kwajalein Atoll.
• 258 AD- Shortly before being declared emperor, Sun Xiu is frustrated by a commoner who can’t seem to carry a wooden pole through the gates of Hulin. Sun sticks a finger in his eye and lets out a yell, thus creating the action which was named for him: the shoe.
• 112 AD- Dugongs invent spear technology and launch an invasion of what would become southern Malaysia. The invasion fails under mysterious circumstances.
• 240 BC- Ctesibius of Alexandria invents a sub-orbital, pneumatic rocket, but accidentally pushes the improperly-labeled self-destruct lever, destroying the rocket and his engineering notes. At the same time as the explosion, Ctesibius invents the interface concept of labels.
• 535 BC- Lao Tzu is the first philosopher to come up with the idea that everything, including one’s memories of the past, was created within the past five minutes. An intelligent friend slaps Lao across the face, ending the promulgation of this line of thought for hundreds of years.
• 760 BC- Shortly before his death Alara, the king who united Nubia, looks over the sand and dust of his kingdom and starts to wonder why he would do such a thing.
• 1001 BC- Local inhabitants, burdened by the fossils their people had collected while migrating throughout Africa, begin throwing them into Olduvai Gorge.
• 1457 BC- Kiltumesh takes a break from the Battle of Megiddo to urinate and use a branch to relieve himself of the irritating itch on his back.
• 1729 BC- Humming to himself while working on some pottery, Terah doesn’t notice Abraham, Lot, their families and their friends leaving for Canaan.
• 6000 BC- Neanderthals found the Minoan Civilization.