Have you lost your keys today? Without keys you can’t lock your door or drive your car. So, you might as well just stay home from work and enjoy reading the latest issue of your favorite tractor repair and maintenance magazine.
And, in case you haven’t lost your keys, just throw them out the window so you can stay home anyway. Axes & Alleys newest issue is a key-tossing good time.
Download the newest issue of Axes & Alleys today and feel free to ogle all of our previous issues in the archive.
Print them out on sticky paper and decorate your world.
FOR SALE
Yoga class. I’ve been teaching for years, but as its popularity has exploded, I’d like to move on to teaching something more obscure such as lathing or forgery. No experience required on behalf of the purchaser. Most students won’t know the difference. $600 or three boxes of dried cherries from Traverse City, MI. Write to Yolanda Vega, care of Rockville Centre Chamber of Commerce, Rockville Centre, Long Island, New York.
FOR SALE
Uxorious marriage. I thought it would be nice to have a husband devoted completely to me, but this is simply ridiculous. Visit Maria Testanova at 32 Via Madrigal, Rome, Italy and make an offer.
WANTED
Pictures of cats in costumes. No vampire cats, please. Will offer 25¢ per photograph. However, if pictures of vampire cats are included, I will bludgeon you with an object of my choice. I am completely serious about this. No vampire cat pictures. Email grendelfan35@yahoo.fr.
FOR BARTER
Baseball pitching machine safety manuals. Will trade Flyer XL-57, Johansen Mk. III, and 35q Lemonding manuals for Winston-Zedmore Superdelixe, Overdrive Systems Primary, and 457 Arclite Fantasmo manuals. Meet me on the corner of Marbury and Madison Streets, downtown Kentucky.
FOR FREE
Large quantity of used lamps. Over 300 to choose from. You can pick one, two, or even many lamps and carry them off to your own home. May also be used in businesses or religious buildings (unless your religion prohibits electricity, of course). Write to Kodie Salter, 52 MySterio Lane, Oakland, CA.
FOR SALE
Great item for a Moishe Lembelbach fan! Call me to find out what it is. 876-535-9998.
WANTED
Quartz synthesizing kit. Must include: high pressure chamber, instruction booklet (color only, please), full container of quartz starter solution, cleaning brush, three quartz synthesizing helmets, poly-cotton blend face mask, 18 hour underwear, The Quartz Synthesis Handbook 2006. Please do not include high pressure chambers with 36 mm gas ports. Must be like new. Will pay up to $57 or trade in like value of services. Please write for a list of offered services. Barry Macormack, 85 Aiken St., Kanak, SC.
FOR SALE
Lightly-used wooden bidet. £35.40. Cleaning extra. mendelsohn@brahms.net
WOMAN SEEKING MAN
19 year old, 19 stone nymphet seeks muscular dude to hang out with and have fun. Hanging out and having fun are limited to sexual intercourse three times a day with one instance of cunnilingus. One back rub per week required. No need to provide pumice stones for pedicures. I have my own. Jessica Bradley, Box 30936
FOR RENT
My Luddite boyfriend. Recently traded in all of his compact disc collection for reel-to-reel recordings, burned all of our digital video discs and replaced them with animated picture discs of 1920s era blues singers, and will not allow touch tone telephones or cellular telephones in the apartment. He’s yours for three hours per day with a one week guarantee at $12. Call Alicia Abercrombie at 779-726-5355.
WANTED
False beard made of real human hair. While I’m 14 years old and physically resemble a full-grown man, I still cannot grow facial hair. Anything in brown to dark brown works for me. Will pay cash for creation and delivery. Let me know your prices by visiting my MySpace: www.myspace.com/ogretronmachine
FOR RENT
Rear half of a pug. I’m keeping the front half for my own purposes. Just nickels a day! Write Danny Kilvarough, 355 Frontage Rd., Suburbia, EL, 00475 for more information.
1. A heartfelt letter from Richard M. Nixon congratulating him on faking the moon landing.
2. His script for the puppet show. You know, the ones where the puppets have sex. Yeah, that one.
3. Candid photos of yourself in the shower.
4. An autographed copy of Mein Kampf.
5. The original, un-altered cut of the Zapruder film.
6. The world’s third largest collection of butt plugs.
7. Costumes for the Renaissance Fair.
8. Costumes for the Furry Convention.
9. A handwritten letter from the Shah of Iran, declaring a Fatwa against your family.
10. S&M porn.
11. S&M porn featuring farm animals and amputees.
12. Marijuana.
13. Heroin.
14. Seventy pounds of nitrogen based fertilizer.
15. A tactical nuclear weapon.
16. A bottle of estrogen and a copy of “Transexualism for Dummies.”
17. Walt Disney’s frozen corpse.
18. A fifty gallon drum full of human body parts.
19. A fifty gallon drum full of the president’s body parts.
20. Life-sized cardboard cutouts of the Golden Girls.
21. A den of rabid raccoons.
22. Saddam Hussein’s death rope.
23. The Home Stomach-Stapling kit.
24. A copy of the director’s cut of It’s a Wonderful Life, where, in the end, George Bailey decides to go ahead and
kill himself.
25. A hive of killer bees.
26. The collection of his Little Mermaid fan fiction.
27. President Armstrong underoos in their factory-sealed condition.
28. The Horticulturalist’s Guide to Scoring Women with Carnivorous Plants
29. Lemon-flavoured genital crabs powder.
30. A chimpanzee named Bubbles.
31. The Congolese fetish magazine Starved, HIV+ and Armed.
32. His proof about how we really do live in The Matrix and so can pretty much kill whomever we wish.
33. His altar to Jerry Lewis, but only as the Nutty Professor.
34. Voodoo dolls for fictional characters.
35. The Toxic Algal Bloom Beach Infection Kit (Extra Strength).
36. Mom’s desiccated remains.
37. An Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue.
38. Used tampons arranged in a grid.
39. An authentic, but improperly ventilated Mongolian barbecue.
40. Thousands of broken wishbones.
41. An application for a Claire’s franchise.
42. NAMBLA membership card.
43. Eunuchry Quarterly (a trade publication)
44. His collection of personal bodily fluids in mason jars, wherein the blood and urine are marked with happy
faces, but the semen is marked with sad faces.
45. Erotic gargoyle statuettes.
46. Flyers announcing a free peep show starring you for a $5 cover.
47. The Bible
48. His 50 compact disc collection of Uruguay’s greatest hits.
49. Love letters from the octogenarian across the street.
50. Mad scrawls on the walls written in Sharpie™ declaring that the daisies are coming for him.