1. A heartfelt letter from Richard M. Nixon congratulating him on faking the moon landing.
2. His script for the puppet show. You know, the ones where the puppets have sex. Yeah, that one.
3. Candid photos of yourself in the shower.
4. An autographed copy of Mein Kampf.
5. The original, un-altered cut of the Zapruder film.
6. The world’s third largest collection of butt plugs.
7. Costumes for the Renaissance Fair.
8. Costumes for the Furry Convention.
9. A handwritten letter from the Shah of Iran, declaring a Fatwa against your family.
10. S&M porn.
11. S&M porn featuring farm animals and amputees.
12. Marijuana.
13. Heroin.
14. Seventy pounds of nitrogen based fertilizer.
15. A tactical nuclear weapon.
16. A bottle of estrogen and a copy of “Transexualism for Dummies.”
17. Walt Disney’s frozen corpse.
18. A fifty gallon drum full of human body parts.
19. A fifty gallon drum full of the president’s body parts.
20. Life-sized cardboard cutouts of the Golden Girls.
21. A den of rabid raccoons.
22. Saddam Hussein’s death rope.
23. The Home Stomach-Stapling kit.
24. A copy of the director’s cut of It’s a Wonderful Life, where, in the end, George Bailey decides to go ahead and
kill himself.
25. A hive of killer bees.
26. The collection of his Little Mermaid fan fiction.
27. President Armstrong underoos in their factory-sealed condition.
28. The Horticulturalist’s Guide to Scoring Women with Carnivorous Plants
29. Lemon-flavoured genital crabs powder.
30. A chimpanzee named Bubbles.
31. The Congolese fetish magazine Starved, HIV+ and Armed.
32. His proof about how we really do live in The Matrix and so can pretty much kill whomever we wish.
33. His altar to Jerry Lewis, but only as the Nutty Professor.
34. Voodoo dolls for fictional characters.
35. The Toxic Algal Bloom Beach Infection Kit (Extra Strength).
36. Mom’s desiccated remains.
37. An Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue.
38. Used tampons arranged in a grid.
39. An authentic, but improperly ventilated Mongolian barbecue.
40. Thousands of broken wishbones.
41. An application for a Claire’s franchise.
42. NAMBLA membership card.
43. Eunuchry Quarterly (a trade publication)
44. His collection of personal bodily fluids in mason jars, wherein the blood and urine are marked with happy
faces, but the semen is marked with sad faces.
45. Erotic gargoyle statuettes.
46. Flyers announcing a free peep show starring you for a $5 cover.
47. The Bible
48. His 50 compact disc collection of Uruguay’s greatest hits.
49. Love letters from the octogenarian across the street.
50. Mad scrawls on the walls written in Sharpie™ declaring that the daisies are coming for him.