For almost everyone it seems, the month of Clauduary brings back fond memories of childhoold; who doesn’t enjoy the wonders of International Robot Appreciation Day? Let’s face it, everyone from small children to geriatrics likes robots. So this month’s issue is dedicated to all the robots of the world because Axes & Alleys appreciates Czech workers.
In honor of your favorite Czech workers, or “robots,” feel free to download the print edition of our Clauduary issue.
From the Reverend Wolfpatty
“toH qo’ muSHa’pu’qu’mo’ JoH’a’, wa’ puqloDDaj nobpu’ ghaH ‘ej ghaHbaq Harchugh vay’, vaj not Hegh ghaH, ‘ach yIn jub ghajbeH ghaH.” John 3:16, from the Klingon Language Institute’s translation of The Bible.
Now, we’ve all come to accept that the Holy Scripture is the Word of God, that is to say that the authors of The Bible were divinely inspired by God and given the power of the Holy Spirit which enabled them to transcend human fallibility in order to create a Good Book that was, and remains today, the perfect, infallible, testament of God to humanity.
It’s reasonable to assume that God didn’t only intend his Holy Word to be infallible and correct in the ancient Hebrew, Greek and Aramaic. In order to protect the one true Gospel, God would have worked to inspire the translators; those people like Wycliffe and Tyndale who worked to create the vernacular translations that would bring God’s power to people that backwards Alcuin’s Vulgate could never get within a mile of.
So then a question arises; when does God reach out and divinely inspire translators and when does God not really give a good gosh-darn? The translation of the Holy Scripture into the fictional Star Trek Klingon language poses an interesting question; would God divinely inspire the translators of a non-spoken language so that their version of The Bible could be infallible?
Is it worth God’s time to worry about Klingon Bibles when everyone who speaks Klingon already has an available Bible printed in their native language? Surely God has better things to do; saving children from drowning, curing cancer, helping winning Super Bowl teams, stopping war for starters. But, I suppose the question could be phrased as; if it brings one Trekkie to Salvation is the Klingon Bible worth it?
I would have to answer yes. Star Trek presents a future devoid of religion and God. Unlike Babylon 5, with its many Christian, Jewish and Foundationist characters, all the characters in Star Trek are atheists. We never see Data go to Church, nor do we see Kirk or Spock partake of the Sacraments. Perhaps Trekkies think this atheism is normal. Maybe the Klingon Bible will help them come to Christ. For their sake, I hope it saves them from eternal hellfire.
To them I would quote Mark 2:17:
“QoyDI’ yeSuS, chaHvaD jatlh: pIvwI’vaD ‘utbe’ Qel. ‘ach ropwI’vaD ‘ut. mutlha’meH quvwI’pu’ vIra’meH jIghoSta’be’. ‘ach yemwI’pu’ vIra’meH jIghoSta’.”
A lot of people want a pet that is fun, cute and playful, but doesn’t come with a lot of hassle. If you’re looking for a pet like that you might consider the australopithecine, (Australopithecus afarensis) which is a four foot tall, upright walking, ape-style animal.
I have two Aussies at home: one’s a short-haired male named “Icecream,” and the other is a common brown-haired female named “Mittens.” Both are rambunctious and love to explore. With care, both have become important parts of my family and my menagerie.
Like cats, these Aussies tend to keep to themselves and are very low maintenance, but will show affection and sometimes play with your children. Instances of child consumption are rare, but make sure your children are supervised.
They do eat a lot, so keep plenty of fresh fruits, vegetables and grains available for them and be sure to supplement their diet with special Australopithepellets™, available at most pet shops. Aussies live about thirty years, so make sure they’re the right pet for you.
Below are some tips on keeping your Aussie healthy and happy:
1. Aussies like to wander around, so it’s best not to keep them locked up all day. You should take your Aussie for a walk at least once a day, but it’s okay to keep them in an enclosure during the night.
2. Televisions are a big no-no with Aussies. They usually react violently to the moving images and sounds, so it’s best to not own a television if you plan on owning an Aussie.
3. Being herbivorous animals, Aussies tend to produce voluminous amounts of excrement. You should designate an area in your home for them to defecate in. The bathroom is a poor location, however, because Aussies fear tile.
4. If you have children going through puberty or recently post-pubescent, it’s a good idea to keep them separate from your australopithecine. While the resultant offspring are very cute, they are probably not the grandchildren you imagined.
5. Aussies are both afraid of and attracted to tomatoes. A game they particularly enjoy is to hide the tomato. When they find them, pelt them with a second tomato and watch them scurry away screaming. They are screams of fun.
6. Aussie’s will happily eat human food, especially for some reason deviled ham. When training your Aussies you might used deviled ham, Vienna sausages, SPAM or eggplant as a treat. Aussies also enjoy deviled eggs, devil’s food cake and other foods named after the fallen angel Satan.
7. Aussies do enjoy being petted, especially, for some reason, in the pelvic area. Avoid petting your Aussie.
8. If you’re away most of the day, it might be good to leave some stones around to entertain your Aussies during the day. They’ll busy themselves flecking the stones into crude tools and will be happy and content while you’re not around.
9. Unlike dogs, Aussies are not big on chewing, so don’t bother offering them gum.
10. Most important of all, never look an Aussie in the eye.
Taking care of an Aussie is easy and fun for the whole family (except children). Follow these steps (and remember not to touch or show any affection) and your Aussie experience will be decades of fun and enjoyment for you and your family.
Some people like to say they’re pretty good at things. Well, I’m not. Pretty good basically says you’re almost good. I’m not almost good at grave digging. I am a good gravedigger. Yes, I am a really good grave digger.
One of the most important parts of digging a grave is to get the depth right. A lot of novice grave technicians are blinded by that old wive’s tale about the grave being six feet deep. A proper grave hole is six feet, five inches deep. Even experienced gravers get the depth wrong. But not me. Always six feet, five inches on the dot. I use a tape measure.
There are guys who skimp on the corners. You would think this wasn’t a big deal because the coffin’s going to go in and they’re going to fill in the dirt, so who cares about corners. You would be wrong in every way. A proper, cheerful-looking grave needs some sharp corners. That’s why I use a drafting T. It’s only a couple of extra minutes and the widows do so appreciate the effort.
Tarps are probably the most important maintenance precaution needed in the task of grave digging. Without a good tarp, all the work you put into good corners and just the right depth gets ruined by passing rain or even dew in the morning. Professionals prefer blue tarps, but some amateurs have been making advances in patterned tarps. I still prefer the blue, though. You can’t go wrong with a blue tarp. Make sure to weigh down the corners with some old bricks or chipped grave stones.
Now sometimes if you’re working a double shift, the Cemetery Captain might ask you to help fill in a hole here and there. Sometimes it’s busy, sometimes there’s just no one else around to help out. A lot of grave diggers turn up their noses at this kind of work because we’re grave diggers, not grave fillers. They’re a whole other union. But, I think you have to do what needs to get done, and if there’s filling needed and I’m around, I’ll be a grave filler for a couple of minutes.
Something special I like to do when no one is looking is spruce up the flowers on the graves. I don’t do this because I’m embarrassed, but because the Florists Local gets pretty darned upset if they catch you doing their job. I always think, though, that a nice cheerful grave needs some cheerful foliage, so I try to do my part.
And there you have it. I’ve met all three points for being a good grave digger, plus two points of things grave diggers don’t normally do.
I am a good grave digger.
