Ask Montezuma: October 2003

In this month’s Ask Montezuma, I will generously take the time to answer some correspondence I have received over the past weeks regarding various answers which have been given by this columnist to sundry readers of the article who have chosen to write in. And so, on to the letters. -Monty Z

Montezuma: Lost his empire to men
with belts, blunderbusses and beards.

Dear Montezuma,
I protest vehemently your response to Pepin in Issue 17’s Ask Montezuma column. Clearly the vicissitudes of post-modern sibilant exhalation have cast their pall upon your cultured brow. Heartily I suggest that your cephalic area be removed from your duodenal region henceforth.

Sal, Ontario, Canadia

Dear Sal, Ontario, Canadia,
The peripheral failings of your ideology occur once the philosophical failures of your reasoning begin to take shape. A secondary characteristic of such processes renders your genetic contribution to others null and void. Copulatory wonders must, inherently, escape your purview and logically remain outside your bailiwick. I refer you to my column in Issue 4 on the secondary nature of deity in the post-reformation Church.

Dear Montezuma,
I write to you in consternation at your response to FAG DAD (Issue 18, Ask Montezuma). Your description of the proper time at which to plant butter beans was wholly inadequate and, quite possibly the worst part, incorrect. Butter beans should be planted at the same time as chick peas (more commonly known as garbanzo beans) and preferably near them as well.

Abraham Q. Wellingsworth, Adm.

Dear Abe,
I’m afraid I must disagree with your presumption of agricultural expertise. Apparently you are ignorant of the many latitudes the flat plane of the Earth encompasses. FAG DAD was a reader from Bedmont Fieldston, clearly in a latitude more amenable to the planting of butternut squash than garbanzo beans (more commonly known as chick peas). I suggest you pick up a copy of Montezuma on Gardening ($19.98) at your earliest convenience.

A Guide to Animals

H.G. Peterson Explores Everyone’s Favorite Taxonomic Kingdom.

H.G. Peterson is a renowned big-game hunter, explorer and arm-chair strategist. He is currently serving in the position of Arch-Bishop of Budapest.

“A Guide to Animals”

Animals are heterotrophic and composed of many cells
That are Eukaryotic with membranes and organelles

If you wish to describe animals, I offer one more suggestion
One must of course mention, they nourish by ingestion

Symmetry of body in all animals can be found
Bilateria has mirrored halves, while Radiata is just round

But Bilateral animals each have a head
A thing called cephalization, or so I have read

Phylum Cnideria, of which jelly fish form a part
Live much time as Medusas but are Polyps at the start

Phylum Ctenophora use cilia to move about
To gather up food on their sub-aquatic route

Phylum Platyhelminthes are worms which are flat
Like tapeworms that live in the gut of a rat

Phylum Rotifera provide many benefits
And reproduce by a thing called parthenogenesis

Phylum Nematoda are a rounded worm bunch
They’ll cause trichinosis and make you lose your lunch

Phylum Mollusca includes snails, oysters and squid
And other such things that a Kosher diet will forbid

Phylum Annelida are worms of the segmented type
And each of their segments resembles a stripe

Phylum Arthropoda’s a big group of armored things
Like lobsters, mites, ants and bees which have wings

Phylum Chordata’s animals all have a nerve cord
They are the most well known of all the animal hoard

Reptiles and Amphibians are two of this category
As are Mammals, Fish and Birds, and so ends our little story

If you need to know more, ask a scientist and he’ll mail ya’
Lots more information on Kingdom Animalia

How to Do It: October 2003

With Regular Commentator Lemuel LeBratt

This week’s Slow Torture Tutorial with LeMuel LeBratt has been indefinitely postponed. This week we offer you a replacement column instead, authored by Mrs. Marcia Mountbatten, Esq. Mrs. Esq. is a famous expert and knower of all things mechanical.

In this column, Mrs. Esq. will instruct you on how to construct a mechanical automaton and perhaps also how to make it function. This automaton will be able, with little effort, to maintain the appearance of the home, yard and vestibule.

It will perform laundering tasks, of both clothing and money. Our mechanical automaton will function as your own personal in-home certified public accountant and banker. Feel free to leave your money with him.

Also explored in this week’s column, how a mechanical automaton can service you, including: oral sexual relations, anal sexual relations and other forms of physical pleasure.


STEP ONE

Conversely, we will also explore how your new mechanistical man will be able to slowly torture your political enemies, personal enemies and neighbours. Pesky problems will vanish instantaneously with torture!

Never before seen images of the nefarious, home constructed being will be shown to you, along with easy to follow instructional panels relating to construction and maintenance.

Well, we hope you enjoyed this month’s “How To Column,” be sure to check back next month when regular commentator LeMuel LeBratt returns from his vacation in the beautiful land of Esperon.


STEP TWO: PROJECT COMPLETE

Documentus Illuminati Part IV

An In-Depth Exploration of the History of our World (the Earth).

Dollar

The Current Masters of the Illuminati

Biscotti
Lucianno Biscotti

Dave
Dave Aroumond

Midge
Sir Camdon Midge

Clatterhorn
Brezny Van Clatterhorn

Across the galaxy there is a massive political, military and religious order known only as The Arcane. On Earth, little is known of The Arcane except that they are descendants of the beings who originally built the Universe. They value a power source known as Gnossis; an energy which holds together all matter and is generated by certain rare species, among them Human Beings.

Many thousands of years ago Humans were very powerful, due to the fact that we could generate our own Biognossis. The people of that time had the power to violate socalled “laws of physics,” an ability intrinsic to those beings who can harness the power of Gnossis. The Humans were giants, 10 feet tall. They could fly, move about between different areas simultaneously, turn invisible and manifest all manner of psychic abilities. They were ruled by a theocratic sect called the High Priests of Nephellium.

In roughly 20,000 B.C. The Arcane came to Earth and forged a corrupt pact with the High Priests of Nephellium. The Arcane would be allowed to construct a Machine in the core of the Earth which would drain the naturally produced Gnossis from the Humans. In exchange, the Priests of Nephellium would be given residence on Mars, free from the Machine, where they could live forever while retaining their natural powers. On the plains of Mars, The Arcane constructed a vast beautiful city full of wealth and riches and surrounded it by an atmospheric dome. The city was christened Cydonia.

Cydonia
Cydonia: Ancient Wonder.

The Arcane brought in the Gribbish, a diminutive, dwarf-like, slave race from a distant world. The Gribbish were forced to dwell in the core of the Earth as troglodytes, maintaining the Machine for generation after generation. To oversee the entire operation, The Arcane built themselves an administrative base on Molad (the planet between Mars and Jupiter) where The Arcane Governors would dwell.

The Humans still on Earth, unbeknownst to them, were sapped of their powers as the Machine drained their lifepower from them over the years. The Machine absorbed their Gnossis, leaving them to provide star-crushing power to the War Machines of The Arcane. On Cydonia, the High Priests of Nephellium remained unaffected in their role as underlords of the new Earth system.

Cydonia
Cydonia: Modern Ruins.

This system functioned flawlessly for thousands upon thousands of years until around the year 4000 B.C. when Jemus, an Arcane Overlord from the far side of the Universe, rebelled in an attempt to take control of The Arcane and their system of Gnossis-Gathering Machines spread across the Cosmos. In the year 4004 B.C. a Jeman army landed on Earth and gathered together a select group of the enslaved Humans. These individuals were told about The Arcane and their corrupt pact with the Priests of Nephellium. The Jemans taught the Human leaders mathematics, science, writing and other forms of learning. The Jemans also gave unto the Humans an incredibly powerful weapon called The Key; a device which will, when the time is at hand, enable the Humans to destroy the Machine and free Humanity forever. Fearing that The Arcane would find The Key, the Humans disassembled it and hid the three pieces in the remote corners of the world, awaiting the time when Jemus would come to Earth to save Humanity.

After imparting knowledge and giving The Key, the Jemans departed to continue their war against The Arcane. Unfortunately, within a few years the Jemans were defeated in the war and cast out of The Arcane Construct forever. After the war Jemus himself went into hiding, vowing to return again and defeat The Arcane once and for all.

Jemus
Arcane Overlord Jemus (artist’s concept).

On Earth the Human leaders, full of new knowledge, formed a sacred group, The Masters of the Illuminati, and created a singular world government centered in the mighty city of Atlantis. There they began using Jeman technology to build a fleet of airships which served as flying battle platforms. They also began to construct a gigantic laser ray of massive power.

In only a short time, the monitoring stations of Cydonia enabled the Priests of Nephellium to discover the advances being made by the Illuminati. The Priests launched an attack on the Illuminati airbase on the Nazca Plain and scored a victory by destroying the shining Human city of Tiahuanaco.

gribbish
Gribbish work deep in the Earth’s core.

In response, the Illuminati massed its forces in the plains of Perse and began to prepare for a counter-attack. They were caught unprepared, however, when the Nephellium descended upon them with fury. In the ensuing battle, the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah were reduced to radioactive ash and the Illuminati?s armies were forced to retreat back into the safety of the stronghold of Atlantis. As the Nephellium moved in to encircle the City of Atlantis, the Illuminati launched a desperate all out counter-attack. Though the attack decimated the city, the Nephellium were repulsed and driven back to Cydonia with the armies of the Illuminati in pursuit. In a cataclysmic event, Cydonia was destroyed utterly and the Illuminati executed many of the Nephellium.

Nephellium
The Sigil of the Order of Nephellium

But, as the Atlantians reveled in victory, The Arcane Governors prepared to launch a bomb towards Atlantis. Jeman sympathizers, however, sabotaged the bomb and it failed to detonate, allowing the Atlantians time to utilize their death ray. The first blast destroyed Molad completely, leaving it only as a scattered asteroid belt between the orbits of Mars and Jupiter. The few survivors of Molad fled back to The Arcane Construct who, for reasons yet unknown, have not yet attempted to take back control of Earth.

Satan
Skull of Lucifer, last of the Nephellium

Most probably this is because their insidious Machine continues to function fully, enslaving Humankind with the manacles of physical laws and providing Gnossis to power the weapons and worlds of The Arcane despite the Illuminati?s attempts to destroy the Machine and free Humanity.

Back on Earth Lucifer, believed to be the last of the Nephellium, used a secret weapon to destroy Atlantis, which sank beneath the waves of the North Atlantic forever. The few Masters of the Illuminati fled to the Secret Island of Reme, where the city of Reme had been founded earlier by Remus, brother of Rome?s founder Romulus. On the Hidden Isle of Reme, the Masters of the Illuminati set up a clandestine government over Humankind, using hidden means to control Earth?s civilization to guide it towards an eventual future when Earth can unite, destroy the Machine and free themselves from The Arcane forever.

Not a Map

Look Forward to Further Installments!

Part VII– An Arcane spaceship crashes in Siberia in 1908 A.D. and allows the Russian Communists access to powerful technology, prompting the USSR to break away from the Illuminati and set up their own Order of Lenin as a prelude to an attempt to take over the World and the Galaxy. Two World Wars ensue.

Part VIII– When a Jeman ship lands at Roswell, New Mexico in 1947, the United States discovers the secrets of Cydonia and begins a program to eventually send troops to Mars to try and discover the lost Nephellium technology.

Von Daniken
Courageous Autodidacts work tirelessly to uncover the truth about the evil Arcane Construct. Pictured here: Himie Von Branigan.

News of the World: October 2003

Norway Invaded!


Flying High: New Norwegian dictator, Lumpy, presides as the Neo-Norwegian flag is hoisted above the capital

OSLO- Continuing a nearly two century trend in momentous governmental change for Norway, marmosets captured the entirety of Norway’s ruling parliament, the Storting, today. Chief Marmoset of Battle, Harold Longteeths, proclaimed “grrrraaaworweeep!”

The decisive move is more than likely the last in the boldest invasion since that of Sweden in the 19th Century. The Royal Family is reportedly on the run in Norway’s northern tundra. A division of marmoset commandos has been trailing King Harald V and the Crown Prince, who fled the palace and their respective wives in a fit of cowardice.

With the marmosets now creating a provisional Neo-Norwegian government, protests from around the globe seem impotent at best. “I understand that Norwegia has been attacked today. I know some white people are very upset at this moment and I would just like to say I feel their pain,” said President Handley of the U.S.

However, other world leaders seem particularly gleeful over the takeover. “I think those damned Norwegians got what they deserved. Maybe now the marmosets will share the women with us,” a jovial Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi of Italy declared.


Fear Rules the Streets: Marmoset attack on Oslo

It is not clear what the marmoset’s next moves in Norway or beyond will be, but the other Scandinavian countries have been girding for war, with backup evacuation plans to Iceland and Greenland in the works, the next year appears to be one of the greatest movements of Scandinavian peoples since the year 994.