In this month’s Ask Montezuma, I will generously take the time to answer some correspondence I have received over the past weeks regarding various answers which have been given by this columnist to sundry readers of the article who have chosen to write in. And so, on to the letters. -Monty Z

Montezuma: Lost his empire to men
with belts, blunderbusses and beards.

Dear Montezuma,
I protest vehemently your response to Pepin in Issue 17’s Ask Montezuma column. Clearly the vicissitudes of post-modern sibilant exhalation have cast their pall upon your cultured brow. Heartily I suggest that your cephalic area be removed from your duodenal region henceforth.

Sal, Ontario, Canadia

Dear Sal, Ontario, Canadia,
The peripheral failings of your ideology occur once the philosophical failures of your reasoning begin to take shape. A secondary characteristic of such processes renders your genetic contribution to others null and void. Copulatory wonders must, inherently, escape your purview and logically remain outside your bailiwick. I refer you to my column in Issue 4 on the secondary nature of deity in the post-reformation Church.

Dear Montezuma,
I write to you in consternation at your response to FAG DAD (Issue 18, Ask Montezuma). Your description of the proper time at which to plant butter beans was wholly inadequate and, quite possibly the worst part, incorrect. Butter beans should be planted at the same time as chick peas (more commonly known as garbanzo beans) and preferably near them as well.

Abraham Q. Wellingsworth, Adm.

Dear Abe,
I’m afraid I must disagree with your presumption of agricultural expertise. Apparently you are ignorant of the many latitudes the flat plane of the Earth encompasses. FAG DAD was a reader from Bedmont Fieldston, clearly in a latitude more amenable to the planting of butternut squash than garbanzo beans (more commonly known as chick peas). I suggest you pick up a copy of Montezuma on Gardening ($19.98) at your earliest convenience.