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Category Archives: Scott Birdseye
The March of Progress: Maine 2006
With the introduction of Filaxal®, pharmaceutical giant NuLife hopes to cure boredom once and for all. Studies have shown that an estimated 98% of Americans suffer from Intermittent Deficient Excitement Syndrome (IDES). It is estimated that IDES greatly lowers quality of life and can be induced by such activities as work, school or Sunday afternoons. During IDES attacks people simply lose interest in life and their surroundings. Traditional, old-fashioned homeopathic treatments like board or video games, puzzles, television, eating, reading, sodomy or television can have little to no positive effect on IDES patients’ overall wellness outcomes. Filaxal® is able to utilize the unique chemical molecule tetrahydrocannabinol (C21H30O2 ) to “trick” the brain’s chemical receptors, allowing a sense of therapeutic entertainment to be experineced during even the most horridly mundane of activities. Cleaning out the garage or even visiting the grandparents can be made enjoyable with a single dose of Filaxal®. The NuLife Company spokesperson Albert stated in a faxed communiqué that “…Filaxal® is entertainment, Filaxal® is fun, Filaxal® will cure boredom forever.” Hopefully that will be the case. With the drug trials completed, Filaxal® is due to hit the U.S. consumer market just in time for summer break.
Pluto
News of the World: Maine 2006
Aboard the research vessel Prettyboy no one seems particularly worried. There are abundant sandwiches and coffee, several decks of cards and a Chinese knock-off video game console. There are also abundant hypotheses; many hypotheses have been tossed about since last Tuesday and there will certainly be many more to come. There were already twelve at breakfast and two while the crew was busy playing bocce ball.
“We’re not ruling out a vortex of some sort,” stated perky, young graduate student Lucy Wormwood, “or even a Tectonic Incident.” Ham and cheese wielding Associate Professor of Geography Daniel Gearbox was quick to add “Those hypotheses are only about physical phenomena. It’s possible that the Red Chinese, or even the Japanese or Mexicans have some sort of super-weapon at their disposal. Someone…”
“Or some thing” interrupted Lucy, who then defiantly added two packets of artificial sweetener to her coffee. “Some thing” she repeated, carefully putting extra emphasis on the ‘thing’ element. Then she made a sort of spooky expression before sipping her java.
Letters: Maine 2006
Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.
Dear A&A,
Bicycle Monkey is amazing, thanks again. My life hasn’t been this efficient and productive since Vietnam. Way to go and keep on tractoring!
Stephanie McKeon
Brooklyn, NY
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Your magazine sure publishes a lot of material, but would you say that you publish everything? Would you really believe that a single magazine could publish everything there is? Everything from the number of hairs on a yak to pharaoh’s phone number? No, that would be an insult to your intelligence. Of course this magazine has never published everything there is. So you must admit that somewhere in that information that you haven’t published there must be, somewhere, proof that God exists. So if you don’t publish this that means you’ve omitted something. What does that make you? Yes, an omitter.
Ray Comfort
Farnsworth, Australia
To the Editors of Axes & Alleys,
Why is it that you never write about thixotropes? These fluids, which move into a solid state when agitated are really exciting. Why not write a series of articles about various interesting things about thixotropes, like how ketchup is tasty. Ketchup is a thixotrope.
Please Johnson
Birmingham, AL
Dear Axes and Alleys,
I really liked your article about sea bass in last month’s issue. Though it may not have been your magazine, it may have been the specialty magazine Sea Bass Magazine. Either way, good work.
Lucy Primate
Halitosis, NH
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