Written Correspondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof

Hey Mouthbreathers,
Why you gotta make fun of people all the time? You used to be so awesome with all the naked chicks and articles about what the government is hiding from us. You sold out dudes. You just took all that money you got and ran. It’s magazines like you that ruin it for everyone else when you could do great stuff. I hope you all catch on fire and that thing that happens when people catch on fire happens to you.
Simon Enderby
Pylon, PL

Esteemed Editors,
I tried to teach myself long division, but it makes no sense. Okay, first you already have to know how to do division, before you even start. Not only that, but you have to do subtraction at the same time to find out how many units are left over. Then you ignore those units. Next you have to do more subtraction and, mysteriously, move one number down from the number from which you’re trying to divide. This is repeated until one receives an incorrect answer, at which point one scribbles out the math and figures it out in one’s head. Long division is completely stupid.
Henry Wolkowicz
Waterloo, Ontario

Dear Axes & Alleys,
For several years now I have visited many different libraries throughout the world, each of which features books. Some of these books are on the subject of geography while others explain about kites and kite history. When building a kite, it is important to remember about wind currents and strings, in that a kite functions as the opposite of a marionette puppet. One floats on strings and other hangs on string. That reminds me of the delicious snack of string cheese. Since when did cheese become bad for you? It makes me wonder, because all this nonsense about cholesterol makes me shiver on cold nights. Those nights make me wonder about the phrase “why be a human being when you could be a human doing.” And what I intend to do is read a book about string.
William “Billy” Corgan
Chicago, IL

Dear Ms. D.R. Grunion,
It has come to my attention that Charles III was never recognized as a legitimate king of England, which I think is unfortunate, because I have a number of official Charles III collectors’ coins that I got from a pizza restaurant. It seems that now these are worthless. Oh well, I suppose I’ll just put them in the drawer with the rest of my pretender coins.
Michelle Turring
Woodside, NY

To the Editors,
Why does Axes & Alleys, the world’s premier tractor repair and maintenance magazine, not publish an article with accurate information and beautiful pictures of glowfish? Glowfish are an amazing denizen of the aquatic depths. And they glow in the dark! That’s absolutely amazing and I think that a lot of people would be interested in knowing more about glowfish. Why not give the people what they want? The people want to know about glowfish and see glowfish pictures. Sure, glowfish are just something I made up, but still, how is anyone going to learn about my imaginary glowing ichthyoids without you writing about them. Glowfish are cool. They glow and they’re fish! Glowfish.
Euripides Smith, Jr.
Moscow, Russia.

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Your article on history was really offensive. The name of G-d was spelled out several times.
Lister Bertenberg
Tel Aviv, Israel

Dear Axes & Alleys,
It’s so cool. I’m up all high and can even see my house from here. Amazing.
Erin Pigiron
Toronto, Canada

Dear Axes & Alleys,
I recently ordered two double packs of your super-cheesy pinto bean salad concentrate. I am incredibly unhappy with your first foray into the consumer goods sector of the economy.
Betsy Constable
Hanna, PL

To the editors,
I was incredibly upset that I received your Arab-language version in the mails the other day. I am also quite dubious as to your claims to publish a Linear A version of the magazine.
C.R. Floyd
Cambridge, UK

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Could you please tell me who the young woman in your fire escape sticker is (Volume 456-BR8, Issue 07)? I think she’s totally tubular and I also enjoy fire escapes. Unless she’s clip art. In which case it would be really pointless to get her name since it’s probably just some file name like DSC389543.jpg. Unless you use .png, of course. Please tell me you don’t use .gif, though.
Albermarle Johnson
Pembroke, ID

Written Correspondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof

To Whom It May Concern,
I would like a job in either your production department or your chemical reclamation department. I am strong, smart, handsome, and virile. You may think these last two traits don’t really help all that much when it comes to reclaiming spent chemicals or producing a magazine, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: you’re probably not as handsome or virile as I am, so how would you know?
Ralph Fiennes
Franklin, TN

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Could you please print my letter asking my girlfriend to marry me? It was the most romantic thing I could think of. I hope she says yes.
Freddie McSwirley
Boston, MA

Dear Editors,
I loved your article on the number seventeen (Seventeen: A Brief History, Volume 456-BR8, Issue 02)! The best part was the bit with all the flags at the bottom, including that of my own homeland of Esperia. I’ve missed it so much since I moved to the United States, and it’s so rare that you see Esperian things in this country. Longa vivi Axes & Alleys.
Shovelilo Teni
Detroit, MI

Axes & Alleys,
The recent influx of Esperian terrorists to this nation is incredibly disturbing. It is my understanding that your publication is quite popular amongst them. Please be a true patriot and tell these readers of yours to go home.
Allison “The Admiral” Pfeffer
Bremen, Germany

Hey Editors,
What’s with Illinois, porn and astrology?
Eliza Rohr
Chicago, IL

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Did you know a really good way to use your magazine is as kindling for the fire used in the final step of making buckskin leather? It may seem highly unbelievable, but it’s true. I usually buy two copies, one for reading and one for putting in the bottom of the fire pit before I start the smoking process. It makes a nice, amber or yellowbrown patina on the skin, makes it incredibly pliable, and best of all is that perfuming agent you use in your dyes. No one knows my secret ingredient, so I’m selling an awful lot of moccasins, coats, and chaps. Thanks you guys!
Mark Frauenfelder
Los Angeles, CA

Dear Axes & Alleys,
We deeply regret the incident of last summer. Our inaction caused you and your neighbors outrageous inconvenience and serious discomfort during some of the hottest months of the year. The tepid response we first gave to the issue, as well as our disinformation campaign, did nothing to relieve you of the darkness, heat, and odoriferous conditions you experienced in your apartment for nine days. We are terribly sorry, and if there’s anything we can do to make it up to you, please let us know.
Kevin Burke
Chairman, President, and Chief Executive Officer,
Consolidated Edison
New York, NY

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Why have there been at most two references to Showtime Networks’ The L Word in your magazine? That’s hardly enough. You’ve mentioned Leisha Halley, of course, and I can’t but think that your article devoted to fire safety (Fire Safety Tips for the Home, Volume 456-BR7, Issue 18) was an allegory for the death of Dana in the third season. That’s it, though. No references to important main characters like Shane or Bette, no mention of backgrounders like Lara (she’s a hottie), or that transgender Max. I expect more The L Word references and fewer references to things like Blake’s 7 or the 12th season of The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. I’ve certainly had enough of your theological diatribes.
Ilene Chaiken
West Hollywood, CA

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Why is it that the serious, professional architects always make fun on my designs for my the skyscraper I want to build. It’s call “The Chicago” and is a million miles high and bright orange in color. They always tell me that there’s no material with the tensile strength to enable the construction of a million mile tall skyscraper. That’s so unfair.
Michael Forks
Thaddigan, PA

Dear Sirs,
In your article “Alamo or Bust” your historians say that David “Davey” Crocket died at the Alamo, killed in battle by Mexican solidiers. What a crock. Everyone who has studied geometry knows that such a death would be impossible. No, it seems much more likely that he was killed by two alligators named Clem and Morris. Morris ate the top half, but didn’t eat the hat. Alligators don’t eat hats.
Laura Burbank,
Talisman, GA

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Can you please start including recipes for borscht again, as you did from 1931-1939? Understandably, you had to stop them, because of the war, but it would be nice to have them in again.
Lucy Cartwright
Hammond Cave, MV

Dear Editors,
You never published my poem. I sent it to you over three years ago. Not only did you not publish it, but you never sent me my poems back using the self-addressed, stamped envelope I included. Instead you used that envelope for your own correspondence, as I’m sure you’ve no doubt used the envelopes of others. I know this because you sent a request to David Boreanaz for an autographed photo, but didn’t address it properly, so it got returned to me because the return address was never changed from my own. Publish my poetry or I’ll tell the world about your malicious preying upon unpublished poets!
Justin Cantor
New York, NY

Dear A&A,
I am a big fan of nudity. I enjoy all kinds of nudity, from full-nudity to partial nudity. I also enjoy mostly nude and somewhat nude. I don’t like flesh-colored body stockings, though. Those are just the illusion of nudity and I don’t want to be fooled. There’s no preference for me between female nudity and male nudity. I like all of it.
Hammy Sanborn
Sealand

To The Editors:
Could I have a complimentary copy of the magazine? I am a nice woman of above average height and intelligence. I volunteer my time with the local library and food on scooters program. Also, my charitable giving each year accounts for over twenty percent of my income. Isn’t it time I got something back for myself?
Lucy Swift
Boston, MA

Dear Editors,
I am incredibly upset that you’ve not sent me the stickers I requested. I gave you my address, mother’s maiden name, bank account information, and social security number. While you have deducted several hundred dollars from my bank account, the stickers still aren’t here. Could you please send those along? Thanks.
Simon Fullerene
Rebuke, OK

To Axes & Alleys,
Your last issue was supposed to be really good, so I tried to download it. It didn’t work though. I got the throttle set, wound the crankshaft, and adjusted the levers in the cabin, but still no download. Then I realized I was attempting to start one of my early-model cars. So I tried again, but that didn’t work either. I filled up the gas container, then pulled the starter, but I only got my chainsaw working. I might be getting downloading confused with something else.
Plato Woodward
St. Schott’s, NF

Hey A&A,
I’m totally down with your zine, dudes. Like, the whole idea of unity and togetherness? Totally sets a fire in my soul. Also I’m loving all the info on how people can share public resources, help poor people, and make peace a real thing on this planet. You’re a bunch of humanitarians over there. Seriously.
Dan Chaucer
Bristol, UK

To The Editors:
Your advertisement for Cowbells™ Self-Regenerating Soup® (Volume 456-BR8, Issue 04) is misleading. What you and your advertiser failed to point out is that you have to leave a little bit of the soup in the can for it to regenerate. Interestingly, it doesn’t say this on my can of pomegranate-garlic puree. Now I’ll have to go buy another one. I might try calcium-fortified cream of krill this time.
Britons Webster
Acacia, AC

Dear Axes & Alleys,
I like root beer. Thought you’d like to know.
Barry Gonick, Jr.
Klamato, ID

Dear Professor Ellenbogen,
I am a bit confused about what we were discussing during last week’s class. We went over the process of a bill being sent to the President for signature, and that beforehand it has to go into a conference committee between both houses of Congress. However, you didn’t tell us what happens there and I’d like to know for tomorrow’s exam.
Lizzy Caplan
New York, NY

Dear Axes & Alleys,
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Christina Applegate,
Business Development Manager,
Premier Loyalty Program
Colegate, PA