Dear Axes & Alleys,
Can you please start including recipes for borscht again, as you did from 1931-1939? Understandably, you had to stop them, because of the war, but it would be nice to have them in again.
Lucy Cartwright
Hammond Cave, MV

Dear Editors,
You never published my poem. I sent it to you over three years ago. Not only did you not publish it, but you never sent me my poems back using the self-addressed, stamped envelope I included. Instead you used that envelope for your own correspondence, as I’m sure you’ve no doubt used the envelopes of others. I know this because you sent a request to David Boreanaz for an autographed photo, but didn’t address it properly, so it got returned to me because the return address was never changed from my own. Publish my poetry or I’ll tell the world about your malicious preying upon unpublished poets!
Justin Cantor
New York, NY

Dear A&A,
I am a big fan of nudity. I enjoy all kinds of nudity, from full-nudity to partial nudity. I also enjoy mostly nude and somewhat nude. I don’t like flesh-colored body stockings, though. Those are just the illusion of nudity and I don’t want to be fooled. There’s no preference for me between female nudity and male nudity. I like all of it.
Hammy Sanborn
Sealand

To The Editors:
Could I have a complimentary copy of the magazine? I am a nice woman of above average height and intelligence. I volunteer my time with the local library and food on scooters program. Also, my charitable giving each year accounts for over twenty percent of my income. Isn’t it time I got something back for myself?
Lucy Swift
Boston, MA

Dear Editors,
I am incredibly upset that you’ve not sent me the stickers I requested. I gave you my address, mother’s maiden name, bank account information, and social security number. While you have deducted several hundred dollars from my bank account, the stickers still aren’t here. Could you please send those along? Thanks.
Simon Fullerene
Rebuke, OK

To Axes & Alleys,
Your last issue was supposed to be really good, so I tried to download it. It didn’t work though. I got the throttle set, wound the crankshaft, and adjusted the levers in the cabin, but still no download. Then I realized I was attempting to start one of my early-model cars. So I tried again, but that didn’t work either. I filled up the gas container, then pulled the starter, but I only got my chainsaw working. I might be getting downloading confused with something else.
Plato Woodward
St. Schott’s, NF

Hey A&A,
I’m totally down with your zine, dudes. Like, the whole idea of unity and togetherness? Totally sets a fire in my soul. Also I’m loving all the info on how people can share public resources, help poor people, and make peace a real thing on this planet. You’re a bunch of humanitarians over there. Seriously.
Dan Chaucer
Bristol, UK

To The Editors:
Your advertisement for Cowbells™ Self-Regenerating Soup® (Volume 456-BR8, Issue 04) is misleading. What you and your advertiser failed to point out is that you have to leave a little bit of the soup in the can for it to regenerate. Interestingly, it doesn’t say this on my can of pomegranate-garlic puree. Now I’ll have to go buy another one. I might try calcium-fortified cream of krill this time.
Britons Webster
Acacia, AC

Dear Axes & Alleys,
I like root beer. Thought you’d like to know.
Barry Gonick, Jr.
Klamato, ID

Dear Professor Ellenbogen,
I am a bit confused about what we were discussing during last week’s class. We went over the process of a bill being sent to the President for signature, and that beforehand it has to go into a conference committee between both houses of Congress. However, you didn’t tell us what happens there and I’d like to know for tomorrow’s exam.
Lizzy Caplan
New York, NY

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Premier Loyalty Program
Colegate, PA