Written Correspondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof
Hey Mouthbreathers,
Why you gotta make fun of people all the time? You used to be so awesome with all the naked chicks and articles about what the government is hiding from us. You sold out dudes. You just took all that money you got and ran. It’s magazines like you that ruin it for everyone else when you could do great stuff. I hope you all catch on fire and that thing that happens when people catch on fire happens to you.
Simon Enderby
Pylon, PL
Esteemed Editors,
I tried to teach myself long division, but it makes no sense. Okay, first you already have to know how to do division, before you even start. Not only that, but you have to do subtraction at the same time to find out how many units are left over. Then you ignore those units. Next you have to do more subtraction and, mysteriously, move one number down from the number from which you’re trying to divide. This is repeated until one receives an incorrect answer, at which point one scribbles out the math and figures it out in one’s head. Long division is completely stupid.
Henry Wolkowicz
Waterloo, Ontario
Dear Axes & Alleys,
For several years now I have visited many different libraries throughout the world, each of which features books. Some of these books are on the subject of geography while others explain about kites and kite history. When building a kite, it is important to remember about wind currents and strings, in that a kite functions as the opposite of a marionette puppet. One floats on strings and other hangs on string. That reminds me of the delicious snack of string cheese. Since when did cheese become bad for you? It makes me wonder, because all this nonsense about cholesterol makes me shiver on cold nights. Those nights make me wonder about the phrase “why be a human being when you could be a human doing.” And what I intend to do is read a book about string.
William “Billy” Corgan
Chicago, IL
Dear Ms. D.R. Grunion,
It has come to my attention that Charles III was never recognized as a legitimate king of England, which I think is unfortunate, because I have a number of official Charles III collectors’ coins that I got from a pizza restaurant. It seems that now these are worthless. Oh well, I suppose I’ll just put them in the drawer with the rest of my pretender coins.
Michelle Turring
Woodside, NY
To the Editors,
Why does Axes & Alleys, the world’s premier tractor repair and maintenance magazine, not publish an article with accurate information and beautiful pictures of glowfish? Glowfish are an amazing denizen of the aquatic depths. And they glow in the dark! That’s absolutely amazing and I think that a lot of people would be interested in knowing more about glowfish. Why not give the people what they want? The people want to know about glowfish and see glowfish pictures. Sure, glowfish are just something I made up, but still, how is anyone going to learn about my imaginary glowing ichthyoids without you writing about them. Glowfish are cool. They glow and they’re fish! Glowfish.
Euripides Smith, Jr.
Moscow, Russia.
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Your article on history was really offensive. The name of G-d was spelled out several times.
Lister Bertenberg
Tel Aviv, Israel
Dear Axes & Alleys,
It’s so cool. I’m up all high and can even see my house from here. Amazing.
Erin Pigiron
Toronto, Canada
Dear Axes & Alleys,
I recently ordered two double packs of your super-cheesy pinto bean salad concentrate. I am incredibly unhappy with your first foray into the consumer goods sector of the economy.
Betsy Constable
Hanna, PL
To the editors,
I was incredibly upset that I received your Arab-language version in the mails the other day. I am also quite dubious as to your claims to publish a Linear A version of the magazine.
C.R. Floyd
Cambridge, UK
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Could you please tell me who the young woman in your fire escape sticker is (Volume 456-BR8, Issue 07)? I think she’s totally tubular and I also enjoy fire escapes. Unless she’s clip art. In which case it would be really pointless to get her name since it’s probably just some file name like DSC389543.jpg. Unless you use .png, of course. Please tell me you don’t use .gif, though.
Albermarle Johnson
Pembroke, ID