Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

Dear A&A,
Your advertisement for the Mohorovicic Discontinuity (Caliguly 2006) would also be great for a t-shirt. Unfortunately the molten rock contained within the Earth is called magma, not lava. This really bugs me.
Sabine
Corpus Christi, TX

Dear Editors,
I take issue with Sticker Page in your Clauduary issue (Sticker Page, Clauduary 2006). At the very top of the page you feature a sticker which says “I Dig Dugout Dug.” Dugout Dug is a thoroughly despicable human being. He is unable to wash or clothe himself and his only claim to fame before your infamous lionizing of him on Sticker Page was being kicked out of the Rocklynde, Montsylvania Lentil Soakers AAA baseball team dugout before every game.
Melvin Merkson
Rocklynde, MV

To the Axes & Alleys editors, in regards to Not Even
Wrong review, Springtober 2006:
Thanks for sending this, although I think you guys should lighten up…You have been smart enough to notice what lots of reviewers didn’t, that the book wasn’t especially written for a popular audience, but that significant parts of it were really written mainly for other physicists and mathematicians, although this is cleverly hidden through the avoidance of equations. My publishers also didn’t much notice this, although they perhaps just have unshakeable faith in the public’s willingness to buy something they won’t be able to understand. Anyway, so far I’ve been extremely pleased and surprised at how much attention the book has gotten and how well it has been selling. It really was intended originally for a university press and much more limited distribution. String theorists put a stop to that, now they’re not very happy with the fact that the book’s point of view is reaching a rather wide audience.
Anyway, best wishes!
Dr. Peter Woit
New York, NY

Dear Axes & Alleys,
I am incensed by the latest rash of bestiality reports in the media. Persons engaging in interspecies rape with pit bulls, pomeranians, schnauzers, basset hounds, doberman pinschers, chihuahuas, bluetick coonhounds, corgis, pekingese, otterhounds, and spitzes is just disgusting. Humans should only rape size-appropriate canines such as Irish wolfhounds, borzois, St. Bernards, Rhodesian ridgebacks, and mongrels more than two feet tall. I am constantly amazed at the true depths of depravity to which society plummets; more so the incomprehension of size differences.
Mike Gamble
Sordid Rakehook, WD

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Your classified ads are not actually classified at all. They are randomly arranged. Please fix this or I will cancel my subscription. Also, when are you gonna publish some more Rango and Lem comics? It’s not like they’re that hard or produce, so c’mon lets see the boy and the alien and lets see some actual classifieds some time.
Jennifer Martasko
Seaford, NY

To the Editors,
How come all the ladies on your covers are famous celebrities like actors, singers or models? Why not put an ordinary girl on your cover? Maybe someone who’s just a college student or check out girl at the supermarket? Ordinary, normal girls are hot. It’d be cool to see one on your cover.
Paul David Hewson
Dublin, Ireland

Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Mimas keeps looking at me. This weird little moon has this giant eye on it and every time I see Mimas I swear the darned thing is looking right at me. It even follows me if I move around. My friend Joey said that I shouldn’t worry. He says that Mimas is not a big eye at all, but rather the universe’s largest breast. To him, it’s not an eye, but rather a well-formed areola and perkily raised nipple. That doesn’t help too much though, because I’m also afraid of women.
Travis Smiley,
Roosevelt Island, NY

To the Editors,
Recently, I was locked in a library over a holiday weekday and forced to eat the complete works of Anais Nin in order to survive. As unfortunate as this was, it did give me plenty of time to catch up on my reading. Back in the bound periodical section I was able to find the complete Axes & Alleys issues dating back to your first issue in 1903. In the second issue, I found a slightly problematic mistake; your model of the Solar System from the article “Guide to Gentlemen Who Wish to Construct an Orrery in the Times of Leisure Available to Them” features the erroneous planets Vulcan, Planet X and Earth’s once-hypothesized second moon Lilith. Detailed though the instructions may be, they completely ignore the important Martio-Jovian Asteroid Belt, the Unanio-Neptian Asteroid Buckle, the Oort Cloud, the Kuiper Belt, the dwarf planets of Pluto, Sedna, Quaoar and Xena, and the various comets. Also, throughout the article, the name of the inner most planet Mercury was consistently misspelled as “Mercurie.” Also, the storm system known as the Great Red Spot on Jupiter was named several times as “The Evil Eye of the Devil Planet.” If Axes & Alleys is to maintain its quality, you should immediately fire the author of the piece, one Mr. Percival Lowell.
Thank you.
Michelle Trappenburgh
Roosevelt Island, NY

Dear Axes & Alleys,
In your last issue (Volume 456-BR7, No. 20), you featured an adhesive sticker which stated that babies are stupid. This is preposterous. Recently, my lab has done a great deal of research comparing the intelligence quotients of octopi, average house cats and babies. In the first test, the underwater maze, the octopus won hands down, while in the rat catching the cat was the clear victor. In the third test, the drooling and babbling portion, the baby excelled and put the octopus and the cat to shame. How can you say babies are stupid? In our test, we determined that octopi, average housecats and babies have the same intelligence level (3.33 out of a possible ten). Please stop putting erroneous information on stickers.
Cornelius Abernathy IV
Roosevelt Island, NY

To Axes & Alleys Magazine,
My name is Erin Sneed and I work for the International Cuisine Institute here in Langley, Virginia. We have recently conducted magnesium-germanium dating tests which have proven that sauces were first created in 748 B.C. (+/- 8 years). We thought this information would be valuable for your records.
Jonathan Voldargo
Roosevelt Island, NY

Dear Sirs,
While The Start is a perfectly good musical combo, their song “One Thousand Years” off their album Initiation, contains the lyric “…you’re retrograde like planets slipping backwards.” It should be noted that the planets in question are not actually slipping backwards. This is merely an apparent motion caused by the intricate dance of the planets as they make their way around the Sun (a star).
Lucy Martinmas
Roosevelt Island, NY

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Why don’t you ever put birds like swans on your cover? It’s a shame, if you ask me.
Mitchell T. Borax
Roosevelt Island, NY

Dear Poker Pete,

Look, mate, I’ve been trying to reach you for three weeks ever since the last game. You owe me your watch, hiking boots and all of your house except for the garage and deck. It’s time for you to pay up. I’ve telephoned, come by your place, been down to the race track and even sent a courier to your office with a notarized letter asking that you pay up. Seriously, mate, I’m bloody well looking forward to hanging ‘round my new den.

Miser Bob
Leftwich, UK

Dear Axes & Alleys,

I know you’ve received a ton of mail about this, but I just wanted to drop you a line about your discussion of breasts a couple of months back (Volume 456-BR7, Issue 17). My girlfriend had always complained to me about how I felt about her breasts. She was under the impression that I didn’t like them, even though I’ve paid them a lot of attention. I’m not sure what her hang up was, but I showed her that article just to prove that I loved them. She also enjoyed the pecs at the end of the article. Thank you for saving my relationship. Thank you for saving my life!

Elmer Holmes Bobst
New York, NY

Yo A&A,

That Katie Stalin is really amazingly hot. I wanna roll around in some nacho sauce with her, if you catch my meaning. If you don’t, what I mean is that she has amazing analytical skills when it comes to sociology.

Peace out,
Trent McNally
Chicago, IL

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Written correspondences from good natured gentlemen who have read our previous installments and wish to comment on some aspects thereof.

Dear A&A,
Bicycle Monkey is amazing, thanks again. My life hasn’t been this efficient and productive since Vietnam. Way to go and keep on tractoring!
Stephanie McKeon
Brooklyn, NY

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Your magazine sure publishes a lot of material, but would you say that you publish everything? Would you really believe that a single magazine could publish everything there is? Everything from the number of hairs on a yak to pharaoh’s phone number? No, that would be an insult to your intelligence. Of course this magazine has never published everything there is. So you must admit that somewhere in that information that you haven’t published there must be, somewhere, proof that God exists. So if you don’t publish this that means you’ve omitted something. What does that make you? Yes, an omitter.
Ray Comfort
Farnsworth, Australia

To the Editors of Axes & Alleys,
Why is it that you never write about thixotropes? These fluids, which move into a solid state when agitated are really exciting. Why not write a series of articles about various interesting things about thixotropes, like how ketchup is tasty. Ketchup is a thixotrope.
Please Johnson
Birmingham, AL

Dear Axes and Alleys,
I really liked your article about sea bass in last month’s issue. Though it may not have been your magazine, it may have been the specialty magazine Sea Bass Magazine. Either way, good work.
Lucy Primate
Halitosis, NH
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