Dear Axes & Alleys,
While I normally applaud Montezuma’s thoroughly researched and highly informative answers, last month’s issue was way off target. While it is true that Roxie Epoxy is not a robot, it should be noted that her stage body is animatronic and controlled remotely by offstage puppeteers. Half a truth is not the truth. Please keep a closer eye on Monty from now on.
Sincerely,
Dr. Fig Lugnut
California College of Imagineering
Department of Ecomagination
San Bernardino, CA
Dear Sirs and Madames,
Huzzah to Axes & Alleys and its editors for their continual refusal to run ads sponsored by the barrow industry. For far too long, too many magazines have knuckled under pressure from the AWBA; running adds for wheelbarrows and articles that prominently feature barrows of all sorts. Even children can see wheelbarrows. What about the children? I’m glad Axes & Alleys told the AWBA to take a hike.
Dr. Allison Cameron
Jeparsia, NJ
To the Editors,
Why did you have to run that article about ghosts? Thanks to you, now no one believes in ghosts anymore and no one is willing to buy my ghost protection pills. Can’t I earn a living? Please recant your statements.
James Randy
Fort Lauderdale, FL
To Editor Delores Grunion,
Saltwater is an excellent solution.
Tim Fitztorrent
Bishop’s Landing, NY
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Each month I eagerly await the release of the new issue so that I can pore over the classifieds and yet each month I am continually disappointed. Where are the ads by those making available cute Indian punk girls? Real Indians, from India, not American Indians, mind you. I hear that in Orange County you can’t throw a peach without hitting an Indian punk girl. So what’s up with that, huh?
Carl Leonard
Gator Rapids, Utah
To the Editors,
Why can’t there be more suffering in this world? If each person gave just a little each day, we could make this rotten world really unbearable.
Erin Smedly
Slug on the Bun, Chetfordshire, UK
Dear Sirs,
After sending numerous letters, I am appalled that your garden hose is still draped over my fence, its leaking no doubt caused by a loose nozzle on your side. This continual leaking may lead to rot on the lee side of my property. This is utterly unacceptable. So again I ask you to remove the garden hose before I am forced to write a letter to the Council.
Arthur Retrograde
Katharinetowne, WD
Dear Axes & Alleys,
I have attempted to send letters to my friend Kevin for the past three months. After hearing nothing in reply, I double-checked the address I was sending the letters to and discovered that it was actually your publication’s main office mailbox. Please change your address so that Kevin will receive my letters.
Courtney Cabletoes
Dutkiewicz, Humbria, Slovakiland
Dear Editors,
In your article on foods with angry-sounding names, you left out the perfect example: Toaster Tots. Toaster Tots are a wonderful and handy food with a bloodcurdling nom de guerre. Easily portable, all they require is that you set your toaster to a standard #6 setting, pop them in, and depress the slide on the toaster. They’re Toaster Tots!
Tom Shapney Gafter, Vice President
The Toaster Tots Corporation
Bensonhurst, NY
Axes & Alleys,
I lost my copy of Volume 456-BR6, Issue 18. Could you please send me page nine?
Bondy Brumpster
Branch, KL
Dear Axes & Alleys,
I am upset that you don’t do more to protect the planet. For instance, you exist, so of course resources are taken up putting out the magazine. Couldn’t you help the planet more by shutting down?
Alissa White-Gluz
Montreal, Quebec
Hey Editors,
My friend was making a joke the other day and crawled in an oven. He told me to do it, too, but I thought that as a Gypsy homosexual this was a bad idea. Anyways, I thought you’d probably applaud my decision.
Emyil Prskin
Contrary, AL