1. Portray Blanche Dubois in a stage version of A Streetcar Named Desire.
2. Affix postage to a live duck and try to mail it to Walla Walla, Washington. It only counts if the stamps are canceled.
3. Shave a swear word into your pubic hair with a straight razor and a stencil.
4. Dance the Flamenco with Bruce Villanche.
5. Share a firm handshake with the sideshow’s glass eater.
6. Deliver a ten minute speech about radishes.
7. Put an eight dollar trifecta on “Lucky,” “Chance,” and “Fortune.”
8. Write several letters to a Colombian pen-pal.
9. Make a toast in honor of the Prime Minister of Canada.
10. Lose a backgammon tournament, but remain a good sport about it.
11. Dial a number at random and ask for Steven.
12. Chase an escaped canary across a frozen lake.
13. Play Trivial Pursuit with members of your local VFW.
14. Sneak seven kilos of heroin through customs.
15. Have sexual intercourse with Sarah Polley.
16. Eat an entire Virginia ham in a single sitting.
17. Swindle a vegan.
18. Attend a rodeo while dressed as Thomas Jefferson.
19. Smile at an albatross.
20. Break a glass and then blame it on your sister.
21. Pretend to date a cute blonde girl named Samantha.
22. Get winked at by a fat guy using a gas station slot machine.
23. Feign interest when Isobel talks about her back ache.
24. Discover a new atomic element.
25. See Rock City.
26. Face down an angry moose while bearing only a can of Pepsi.
27. Receive your ordination by mail and bless water fountains in your town.
28. Put on your aviator sunglasses, grab your corn cob pipe, and show that Chester Nimitz your MacArthur impression.
29. Ridicule an old lady’s knick knacks.
30. Lay underwater cable across a local pond.
31. Dress up like a samurai to impress girls.
32. Dress up like a gun moll to impress boys.
33. Fax a crossword puzzle to a dairy farmer.
34. Perch on a tree limb and pretend to be a songbird.
35. Make nuclear reactor construction plans out of origami.
36. Put chain link fence around a cubic foot of space.
37. Eat spaghetti (with or without meatballs).
38. Deride the works of that tart Chopin, but get him confused with Franz Liszt.
39. Cross the streams.
40. Buy something, anything, that says “manufactured in Micronesia” on it.
41. Play your wax paper and plastic comb harmonica for a bus full of graveyard shift factory employees on their way home in the morning.
42. Argue with a German about how Cologne is really part of France.
43. See Daniel Bester, Inc.’s Humongotronic, the audio-visual telescreen borne aloft by four zeppelins, as it makes its stately procession over Katharinetowne.
44. Play drums in a band which achieves minor celebrity amongst the nation’s so-called tastemaking class.
45. Engage in sexual activity with someone who isn’t that into it.
46. Attempt to organize the defense of a bee colony. Exhort them to go down fighting if the operation wavers.
47. Sell charcoal-filtered air on a street corner in brightly-coloured plastic bottles.
48. Remind five people a day for an entire week that Mark Twain’s real name was Samuel Clemens and it rhymes with lemons.
49. Construct a ramshackle Greek trireme on wheels, plug your ears with wax, give it a good push down the road and strap yourself to the mast. Include some friends who are easily distracted by singing if you want verisimilitude.
50. Experience the groaning agony of pancreatic cancer.

1. The mummified remains of Allen Ginsburg in aisle 3.
2. Bread and/or pastry shaped like genitalia.
3. An assortment of Mexican cheeses with labels written in Ukrainian.
4. Pickled seal flippers.
5. Hearty Cream of Giant Clam Gazpcho
6. Cabbages engineered to display advertising for themselves.
7. Generic packaging created after 1976.
8. Unsalted saltines labelled simply as “crackers.”
9. A third option between baskets and carts.
10. People who understand how to use debit, credit, and subsidised food cards in the convenient machines located at the checkout counter.
11. Quality building materials at low, low prices.
12. A complete scientific lecture hall with audio-visual equipment.
13. Katie Stalin
14. Magazines such as National Geographic, Scientific American, or Discovery.
15. Self-checkout lines without someone to help you check out.
16. Burlap or linen as additional alternatives to paper and plastic.
17. Grapefruit with a tag explaining exactly why they’re called grapefruit.
18. Toothpicks made out of tropical wood.
19. Harvested-the-same-day snails.
20. Varmint frankfurters.
21. Heart-of-Palm flavoured grits.
22. Abundant transistors, capacitors, and other electronic parts.
23. Assorted spare buttons.
24. Live piglets for purchase and slaughter.
25. Proper end-cap merchandising.
26. Hormel sausage-flavoured toothpaste.
27. Parrot cutlets.
28. Shopping carts with tracks instead of wheels, for aisles with difficult terrain.
29. 14th Century siege weaponry.
30. Mars’s lesser-known cousin, the Uranus Bar.
31. Costumed characters licking the floors clean.
32. HO Scale model trains.
33. Longview, the Greenday tribute band.
34. Attractively displayed casts of the dead people from Pompeii.
35. Animatronics cartoon characters leading a poorly arranged sing-along.
36. A series of dioramas showing life in Albany, NY (c. 1948).
37. Prosciutto vending machines that will take crumpled dollar bills.
38. Shrimp-stuffed garden hoses.
39. Film critic Roger Ebert standing at the door, smiling warmly as he hands each customer a crisp, fresh radish.
40. Cream o’ Sorghum hot cereal.
41. An aisle where the skulls of all fifty-six signers of the Declaration of Independence are nicely displayed and clearly labelled.
42. An elephant steak slicer that customers can use for free.
43. The highly unpopular Flemish game hen.
44. Bags of Gummi Adlai Stevensons.
45. A monkey cage next to the lobster tank.
46. A properly functioning tilt-a-whirl.
47. Comfy grass instead of that damn linoleum.
48. Good quality, discount chum.
49. Canned fire.
50. Shopping carts that are big enough to comfortably seat a full sized adult.

1. A heartfelt letter from Richard M. Nixon congratulating him on faking the moon landing.
2. His script for the puppet show. You know, the ones where the puppets have sex. Yeah, that one.
3. Candid photos of yourself in the shower.
4. An autographed copy of Mein Kampf.
5. The original, un-altered cut of the Zapruder film.
6. The world’s third largest collection of butt plugs.
7. Costumes for the Renaissance Fair.
8. Costumes for the Furry Convention.
9. A handwritten letter from the Shah of Iran, declaring a Fatwa against your family.
10. S&M porn.
11. S&M porn featuring farm animals and amputees.
12. Marijuana.
13. Heroin.
14. Seventy pounds of nitrogen based fertilizer.
15. A tactical nuclear weapon.
16. A bottle of estrogen and a copy of “Transexualism for Dummies.”
17. Walt Disney’s frozen corpse.
18. A fifty gallon drum full of human body parts.
19. A fifty gallon drum full of the president’s body parts.
20. Life-sized cardboard cutouts of the Golden Girls.
21. A den of rabid raccoons.
22. Saddam Hussein’s death rope.
23. The Home Stomach-Stapling kit.
24. A copy of the director’s cut of It’s a Wonderful Life, where, in the end, George Bailey decides to go ahead and
kill himself.
25. A hive of killer bees.
26. The collection of his Little Mermaid fan fiction.
27. President Armstrong underoos in their factory-sealed condition.
28. The Horticulturalist’s Guide to Scoring Women with Carnivorous Plants
29. Lemon-flavoured genital crabs powder.
30. A chimpanzee named Bubbles.
31. The Congolese fetish magazine Starved, HIV+ and Armed.
32. His proof about how we really do live in The Matrix and so can pretty much kill whomever we wish.
33. His altar to Jerry Lewis, but only as the Nutty Professor.
34. Voodoo dolls for fictional characters.
35. The Toxic Algal Bloom Beach Infection Kit (Extra Strength).
36. Mom’s desiccated remains.
37. An Abercrombie & Fitch catalogue.
38. Used tampons arranged in a grid.
39. An authentic, but improperly ventilated Mongolian barbecue.
40. Thousands of broken wishbones.
41. An application for a Claire’s franchise.
42. NAMBLA membership card.
43. Eunuchry Quarterly (a trade publication)
44. His collection of personal bodily fluids in mason jars, wherein the blood and urine are marked with happy
faces, but the semen is marked with sad faces.
45. Erotic gargoyle statuettes.
46. Flyers announcing a free peep show starring you for a $5 cover.
47. The Bible
48. His 50 compact disc collection of Uruguay’s greatest hits.
49. Love letters from the octogenarian across the street.
50. Mad scrawls on the walls written in Sharpie™ declaring that the daisies are coming for him.

1. Pick up a random public phone; answer it and announce “London Calling.”
2. Attempt to impress British girls by explaining that if not for the U.S. they would be speaking German.
3. Attempt to impress British historians by explaining that if not for William I they
would all be speaking a sort of modified Welsh.
4. Purchase tweed.
5. Go to William Bligh’s house and put a Pitcarin Island flag on the door.
6. Point out your fanny pack to the locals.
7. Ask the cab driver to take you to see the Eiffel Tower.
8. Put Christmas decorations on the statue of Cromwell.
9. Collect prostitute calling cards. Trade them with your friends for a complete set.
10. On the road, look over at who’s sitting in the passenger seat of the car. Children
or dogs can be especially disconcerting.
11. Head over to 11 Downing Street and say hello to the Chancellor of the Exchequer.
12. Giggle like a school girl when things cost “pee.”
13. Sneeze on the Magna Carta.
14. Don’t even bother trying to make the Beefeaters laugh.
Just punch them in the nose and run away.
15. Go to Westminster Abbey and dance on Isaac Newton’s grave.
16. Point out that the sculptor of Nelson’s Column forgot about the other arm.
17. Get some of those famous Fish & Chips.
Discard after three bites because British food sucks.
18. Ask random people why “Big Ben” isn’t digital yet.
19. Smoke marijuana while strolling down High Street.
20. Order a pint of bitter. Send it back complaining that it’s too bitter.
21. Sew a picture of yourself into the Bayeux Tapestry.
Make it so that you’re riding Haley’s Comet.
22. Dress up in a sheet and scare people at the Tower.
23. Go to Buckingham Palace and protest the impressments of American sailors.
24. Ask people if they know Danger Mouse.
25. Insist that the proper way to pronounce it is Thaymes, not Tems.
26. Show Britons pictures of your television for which you didn’t have to get a license.
27. Call for a vote of no confidence on your waitress.
28. When you see a Londoner down on his luck, sit down and remind him of
how thoroughly they kicked William Wallace’s ass.
29. Talk about how they just let Americans through customs with their guns.
30. Enjoy some Smarties, but say they’re not as good as M&Ms out of patriotism.
31. Mention how much worse your terrorist attack was than theirs.
32. Wonder aloud if the band Queen was named after Queen Elizabeth II.
33. Ask why they can’t get a decent domain name, like .com or .america.
34. Congratulate Londoners on their performance in the Falkland Islands.
35. Go to Euston Station and sing Catatonia’s “Londinium” loudly and annoyingly.
36. Respond with a Vicky Pollard impression to every query.
37. Complain about the beer being too cold.
38. Taunt them on their performance in the French and Indian War.
39. Declare peace in our time.
40. Organize a protest against the execution of Thomas Moore.
41. Point out how different Kew Gardens, London is from Kew Gardens, Queens.
Then make fun of them for ripping off the names for Chelsea and Soho.
42. Complain about so many nearby highways being named after the
Messier catalog designations of globular clusters and galaxies.
43. Act really impressed when looking at the London Stone.
44. Laugh at barristers and their silly wigs.
45. Sarcasm is absent from British culture. Use this to your advantage.
46. Stock up on Euros so you can enjoy London’s famous gambling dens and
corner craps games.
47. Ask a bobby if he keeps his lunch under his big helmet.
48. Set up your very own official turnpike in London City.
49. Wear a hoodie to obscure your face from London’s plethora of surveillance
cameras. Claim to be a monk when questioned by police.
50. Find an old-fashioned call box. Get in and then tell people your Tardis isn’t working.