Fifty Things Thomas Edison Never Even Tried to Invent

  1. chickens that lay ready-made Southwest Omelettes
  2. apologetic electric chairs
  3. powdered bridges
  4. the sideways train
  5. hover horses
  6. self-eating reuben sandwiches
  7. steam-powered windmills
  8. a board game based on the American Civil War
  9. the electric alphabet
  10. waterproof milkshakes
  11. double-helmets for epileptic Siamese twins
  12. odometers for hamster wheels
  13. raspberry flavoured dental dams
  14. robot crows
  15. mechanical owls for scaring away the robot crows
  16. pneumatic olive de-pimentoers
  17. Bruce Vilanch detector
  18. A space station for mice. If a cat got on board it’d be just like that movie Alien, but for mice.
  19. sweaters that taste like whatever moths don’t like
  20. a meta-knob that allows you to adjust all knobs at once
  21. realistic, cheese-shaped covers for light bulbs so it looks like your cheese is glowing
  22. wind-resistant chinstraps
  23. The Moron Slapper
  24. 120 proof corn liquor
  25. salmon-flavoured canals
  26. fire
  27. pedal-powered mechanical sacrificers for Voodoo rites
  28. electric orgasm monitors
  29. a 20 million lumen visual defence grid for Romania
  30. the combination lemon juice extractor/jungle machete
  31. bicycle windshields
  32. creature detectors
  33. the testicle-shaving cup
  34. chicken caesar salad lasagne
  35. static electric false moustache
  36. a well-designed light switch with iconography
  37. coati suppressing foam
  38. the mechanical spider buddy
  39. The ACME Handy Dandy Micro Helper
  40. Automatic Rutherford B. Hayes
  41. an ash tray exhaust fan
  42. the low-loam diet for worms
  43. a practical theoretical basis for providing power to homes
  44. the communications satellite
  45. spring-loaded novelty cans of peas
  46. creepily-grinning mechanical statues whose heads follow passers-by
  47. a Chinese finger trap remover
  48. Ecomagination
  49. magnetic teeth implants
  50. the electric mop

3 Comments

  • J M Rosen
    November 26, 2006 - 7:06 pm | Permalink

    #19 & #40 seem to have inventive possibilities; however, #11 is too overloaded syntactically to launch, in my opinion.

  • November 26, 2006 - 7:47 pm | Permalink

    While we had not considered the possibility of conjoined twins as astronauts, we thank you for the suggestion. Perhaps we shall contact Mr. Edison for his opinion on space-suited Siamese twins.

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