Fifty Ways to Have Fun with Tongs

1. See how many turtles you can pick up at once.
2. Play “Wipeout” on your pots and pans.
3. Use them to sling hot coals at bears.
4. Taunt people whose thumbs are amputated.
5. Use them as a handy hat remover.
6. Cut the tongs in half. Glue one half to your stomach and the other to your back. Splatter some fake blood about your torso and pretend someone stabbed you.
7. Use tongs to do work on Sabbath. Ask forgiveness.
8. Sell tongs on an infomercial as “Super Grip 9000.”
9. Bend paper.
10. Press tongs onto skin for a minute. Be fascinated by red tong impressions.
11. Invent new party game called “Capture the balloon.”
12. Use tongs to gently stroke cat’s back. The cat will enjoy it.
13. Remove corn from boiling water. Place on plate for eating. Salt to taste.
14. Manipulate marionette.
15. Use tongs to pick up biohazardous needle on beach.
16. Mock talkative person by pretending tongs are their mouth. Open and close tong prongs rapidly.
17. Use as ineffective catapult.
18. Join mariachi band. Use tongs as castanet’s.
19. Lightly tap congresspersons on the head with tongs. Giggle.
20. Use to pick only the good bits out of the chicken soup.
21. Provide your wife with home gynecological exams.
22. Secretly replace cavalry officer’s sword with tongs. Laugh as he attempts to lead charge.
23. After much training, use tongs to grasp flies out of the air.
24. Use to teach children about biangles.
25. Attempt to dial a number on a rotary telephone.
26. Hold a cigarette while smoking.
27. Put one in each hand and live among the crabs for a week.
28. Use them on the job when coworkers complain about you doing work too fast.
29. Conduct a symphony.
30. Paint them in rainbows to celebrate Gay Pride.
31. Make a game for kids using tongs and toothpicks, and the picking up thereof.
32. Juggle glasses.
33. Cane prisoners of war for infractions.
34. Cover with a condom and attempt to open.
35. Move your collectible action figures without getting human oils on the packaging.
36. Encourage rebellion and civil unrest in areas lacking tong technology by giving tongs to an ethnic, political or racial minority.
37. Waggle tongs over your head when your sports team or military is victorious.
38. Spend the day counting from one to two by opening and closing the tongs.
39. Stick them on the end of a broom and spin them around to create the illusion of a cone.
40. Purchase various spherical foodstuffs, then pretend to pluck the eye out of different-sized animals with them.
41. Use them like a dowsing rod to find water.
42. Insert into gravy. Open tongs to stir twice as effectively.
43. Turn book pages without annoying licking.
44. Throw into cave. Should anyone ask about tongs, lie and say you lost them.
45. Prove effectiveness of wrench by attempting to remove bolts with tongs.
46. Offer Rivers Cuomo tongs in exchange for private Weezer concert at your birth day party.
47. Measure height of Chrysler Building in tong units.
48. Get a bunch of fish and stick them in a barrel. Use tongs to alternately stir them, poke them and grab them.
49. Dip tongs in fruit punch. Stick in freezer to create tongcicle.
50. Pretend to be an ancient Greek warrior with tongs.

One comment

  • March 12, 2010 - 12:32 pm | Permalink

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