News of the World: Caliguly 2006, Part II

Posted on October 9, 2006 by Delores Grunion

dommen

Tokyo, Japan– It seems somehow fitting that a war involving millions of soldiers battling across five continents should end with a simple gunfight outside a Tokyo nightclub and noodle house. With less than hundred shots fired between thirty police and eight of F’a Dommen’s elite Vermillion Guard, the Bad Guy supreme commander was captured, finally ending the war.

F’a Dommen had been on the run for nine days after fleeing in the aftermath of the Battle of Rangoon. The devious Bad Guy Commander was able to hijack a BL-104 “Floating Mushroom” Tactical Hot Air balloon, which he rode to safety. Landing in Taipei with eight of his Vermillion Guards, F’a Dommen snuck into Japan via a submersible watercraft and holed up in the Happy Garden Hotel and Noodle House. There, he set about planning his next move, but little did he realize that his time was nearly up.

Last Saturday night, F’a Dommen was betrayed when one of his elite body guards attempted to purchase a pair of Japanese school girl’s used underpants. Apparently he offered the clerk fifty crime cash, unaware that the underpants vendor only accepted crime yen (the official illegal Sinonipponesian currency). Official police reports state that there was a confrontation and the Vermillion Guard officer killed the underpants salesman and escaped with 60,000 crime yen and several soiled pairs of white cotton, size “S,” string bikini styled underpants.

Police gave chase immediately and eventually cornered the soldier as he attempted to meet up with his compatriots in the Mighty Glowing Robot Disco and Noodle House night club. The ensuing gun battle left three police and six Bad Guys dead and at 1:34 AM local time, Honorable Police Force Captain Ozawa Ichi announced that F’a Dommen had been captured, ending a world-wide manhunt.

Currently, the Bad Guys are being held in the Tokyo Prefecture Maximum Security Prison and Noodle House, awaiting extradition to The Hague for trial. F’a Dommen did issue a statement, written with green crayon as he is not allowed anything sharp. In it he vowed to escape and promised:

“You have not seen the last of the Bad Guys. You think you won the war, but you have not and we will never be defeated. There’s still our secret under-ground base in Antartica and you’ll never find, much less capture, the Bad Guy Drome and you don’t even know the location of the hidden Bad Guy Island. Know that I am Bad Guy Commander Arja F’a Dommen and I will have my revenge.”

Using satellite recon, the Good Guy Army was able to locate the Antartic base and neutralize it. Only hours later the “Bad Guy Island,” otherwise known as Manhattan, was found and the Bad Guy Drome in Tribeca was located and captured. The death ray that F’a Dommen had threatened to destroy Singapore with turned out to be a simple flashlight hooked up to a car battery. Fire department sources indicated that, even with the extra power, the flashlight posed no danger.

News of the World: Caliguly 2006

Posted on October 6, 2006 by Delores Grunion

victoire

TOTAL VICTORY!!!*

*Some Mopping Up Required

Trieste, Italy – The Bad Guys have been utterly and completely crushed, except for a platoon of holdout marines in this fine city. Also a naval grouping off the coast of Iceland. And of course the Bad Guy counterstroke in Sao Paolo, Brazil. Not to mention the Third Hue of Victory Fighter Wing located in a secret base high in the Andes. There’s also the small matter of the Trans-Kazakh Armoured Division.

Nevertheless, the Good Guys have grasped a stellar victory to go down in the annals of record keeping. With F’a Dommen neutralized (opposite page), there’s no question of our global domination. President Armstrong and the other leaders of the Good Guys have dispatched emissaries to what is left of the Bad Guy High Command and government.

Armstrong sent the French-Canadian Cirque du Soleil on a mission to meet with the Bad Guys in Trieste. It has been three days since the various acrobats, mimes, and other carnival folk made their way through the winding streets. While they have not been heard from since then, no one is particularly worried. Members of the Ringling Brothers & Barnum and Bailey Circus are on hand to pick up where they left off.
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The March of Progress: Clauduary 2006

Posted on September 10, 2006 by Jeremy Rosen

Low Mineral Diet

Glamorous Celebrities, Not Emaciated POWs: Actress Miranda Chase and her Best Friend Forever (BFF) Lucy Borden look horrid, disgusting, skeletal and fabulous thanks to the newest fad, the low-mineral Trap Diet.

Miranda Chase, A-list star of the new film Any Thursday, stated in her latest press junket thats she’s an adherent to Dr. Michael Trap’s new low-mineral diet. She’s not alone in this new diet fad. The Trap Diet allows people to eat whatever they want, as long as they maintain low mineral content in their diets.

“The aircraft carrier Nimitiz, displaces one hundred thousand tons, and what do you think that’s made of? It’s made of minerals,” stated Dr. Trap. “Would you eat a hammer? Hammers are heavy and every time you eat minerals you’re essentially eating a hammer.”

Always lovely and roughly skeletal in shape, Ms. Chase defended the Trap Diet which has come under fire from those who practice common sense. “Mountains are big and fat and heavy. I don’t ever want to eat a mountain, or a train or anything else made of minerals; like a geode or a tongs.”

While scientists, doctors, nutritionists and those with common sense are still skeptical, the low-mineral Trap Diet remains popular with those who have already tried and failed on such previous fads as the low carb, low fat, low protein and low vitamin diets.

News of The World: The Final Lunge for Victory!

Posted on September 7, 2006 by Jeremy Rosen

Final Lunge for Victory

Ban Ban, Laos– In the early morning hours, with the flashes from distant artillery still lighting up the darkened sky, my guide Chau took a sip from his canteen and offered it to me, saying “Yes, have some.” That was just what I needed, the ever popular Hmong confection of gin and powdered pumpkin mix. On a night like this, it tasted sweeter than any drink I’ve ever imbibed. Chau smiled and took another swig before strapping the canteen back to his worn combat webbing. Looking into the hills, his eyes narrowed into slits. “Listen” he implored me “Do you smell something.” His laughter was infectious and for a moment I forgot about the death all around us.

In covering this hellish war, I’ve been all over; from the frigid wastes of Antarctica, to the nightmare jungles of Madagascar, the endless plains of Siberia, the humid brothels of Sao Paolo and the molten swamps of Palauan. Now, here I was in the hills of Laos, overlooking an expanse of rice paddies, on what everyone hoped would be the last day of the war. During the difficult travels and the cacophonous battles, I met people of every nation and station, people whose bravery, intelligence, audacity and courage never ceased to amaze me.

The Laotian guerrillas here in Ban Ban reminded me of Tennyson’s old Light Brigade; for here they were, calm and serene and ready once again to charge into the jaws of death, into the mouth of hell. My companions this night weren’t professional soldiers. They were ordinary brick layers and taxidermists, fighting the Bad Guy invaders. The Bad Guys who had decided that their final stand would be made here in the hills outside Ban Ban, in their multihued Kevlar skirts and camouflaged, impact resistant polo shirts.

During the last eight weeks, the Laotian guerrillas kept up to date on the events bringing the war closer, and closer, and closer; inching, creeping, sometimes spurting towards their homeland: a communist Chinese satellite state in the stagnant and hilly jungles of South East Asia. On their blogs and web boards they posted their feelings, their hopes and fears and belief that victory would come soon. But also, surprisingly, were well-aware of the latest Hollywood gossip, and were attempting to find companionship and love. All the while they prepared and planned, went on patrols and passed vital intelligence information on to the Good Guys, via email and also via updates to their guerrilla homepage.

Laotian guerrillas

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News of the World: Maine 2006

Posted on August 6, 2006 by Delores Grunion

korea1

Aboard the research vessel Prettyboy no one seems particularly worried. There are abundant sandwiches and coffee, several decks of cards and a Chinese knock-off video game console. There are also abundant hypotheses; many hypotheses have been tossed about since last Tuesday and there will certainly be many more to come. There were already twelve at breakfast and two while the crew was busy playing bocce ball.

“We’re not ruling out a vortex of some sort,” stated perky, young graduate student Lucy Wormwood, “or even a Tectonic Incident.” Ham and cheese wielding Associate Professor of Geography Daniel Gearbox was quick to add “Those hypotheses are only about physical phenomena. It’s possible that the Red Chinese, or even the Japanese or Mexicans have some sort of super-weapon at their disposal. Someone…”

“Or some thing” interrupted Lucy, who then defiantly added two packets of artificial sweetener to her coffee. “Some thing” she repeated, carefully putting extra emphasis on the ‘thing’ element. Then she made a sort of spooky expression before sipping her java.