TOTAL VICTORY!!!*
*Some Mopping Up Required
Trieste, Italy – The Bad Guys have been utterly and completely crushed, except for a platoon of holdout marines in this fine city. Also a naval grouping off the coast of Iceland. And of course the Bad Guy counterstroke in Sao Paolo, Brazil. Not to mention the Third Hue of Victory Fighter Wing located in a secret base high in the Andes. There’s also the small matter of the Trans-Kazakh Armoured Division.
Nevertheless, the Good Guys have grasped a stellar victory to go down in the annals of record keeping. With F’a Dommen neutralized (opposite page), there’s no question of our global domination. President Armstrong and the other leaders of the Good Guys have dispatched emissaries to what is left of the Bad Guy High Command and government.
Armstrong sent the French-Canadian Cirque du Soleil on a mission to meet with the Bad Guys in Trieste. It has been three days since the various acrobats, mimes, and other carnival folk made their way through the winding streets. While they have not been heard from since then, no one is particularly worried. Members of the Ringling Brothers & Barnum and Bailey Circus are on hand to pick up where they left off.
Iceland, meanwhile, has taken its greatened status amongst the Good Guys to heart and sent many citizens to the coast to laugh at the Bad Guy remnants cutting through its national waters. Some nonsensical stories have been told through loudspeakers and the BG commanders there look ready to give in.
A similar tactic is being used against the forces arrayed in South America, where the infamous sexual allure of the local women has already resulted in desertion rates well above replacement levels. One squadron of fighters landed along the beach in Rio de Janeiro and is assumed to be alive and satiated with their new girlfriends. Word is the secret base will be located within a day.
Finally we come to the matter of the tanks in Central Asia. An ingenious system was developed by Lieutenant R.R. Cunningham whereby cardboard cutouts of tanks and infantry on rollers were attached to saiga antelope on the Kazakh steppes. As the antelope lead them further towards Russia, the Bad Guys are running out of ammunition, gasoline and food. Cunningham predicts the armored columns will run themselves down within a week with only the loss of two or three antelope in the process.
All this reporter can say is that with our men and women coming home with the emanations of victory emanating victoriousness from their beings, my fair readers would be well advised to invest in ticker tape stocks. We beat those bloody bastards and our troops are coming home!*