Category Archives: Lifestyle

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Interactive Entertainments for the Bored Masses

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Bursting the Bubble of Complacency in Your Own Home-Town

Vulture

Despite your own mental acumen, there will be times throughout your life when you lie prone under the icy, paralyzing grip of that creature we call Boredom. Therefore, as a public service we offer the following alleviations for your condition. Use them well and wisely and remember that Axes & Alleys, it’s creators, its parent and affiliate companies are not responsible for the consequences.

Escaped Mental Patient

Requirements:Two or more people, pajamas, pair of broken handcuffs, one or more lab coats, one or more butterfly type nets.

ActivityGot to a public place with one person dressed in the pajamas and handcuffs. This player is the mental patient. Others, dressed in lab coats will be the doctors. The mental patient runs around while the others try to catch him or her with the butterfly nets. Feel free to taunt each other loudly.

Pirate Attack

Requirements: Wheeled vehicle (car, shopping cart, red wagon), Jolly Rodger flag, pirate costumes and paraphernalia, two or more people.

ActivityPretty simple really, find a good spot, the Mall or Wal-Mart parking lot on a busy Saturday for instance, and ride around pretending to be 17th Century pirates. Say “Argh!” a lot. You can even have two ore more groups of pirates, all fighting over a “treasure” such as a gumball machine. Also, feel free to try and sell bootleg CDs and DVDs.

Visitors from Another World

Requirements: Grayish face paint, sunglasses or goggles, wigs and/or fake mustaches and beards, odd bulky or out of date clothing, and some suitably strange “alien” artifacts.

ActivityGet dressed up as aliens who have very poor human disguises. Choose one person to be the leader, who will speak, perhaps using an alien-earthspeak dictionary, while the rest of you stand in the back and exchange slight whispers of a strange alien language. Ask random people for directions, but don’t just ask about libraries or train stations…try and come up with unearthly things the aliens might want to find. “Where in this area would I find large quantities of hydrogen,” “Who the current human potentate and where might a fellow human locate them,” or “What do you know about frogs?”

Spies

Requirements:Two or more people, spy-like costumes (the more suspicious the better; trench-coats, dark glasses, a fez, an eye patch, you get the idea), spy paraphernalia; brief cases, newspapers with obvious eye-holes cut out, perhaps some microfilm.

ActivityPick a good public place, I personally think that the Main Concourse at Grand Central Terminal is the best. Come up with a couple teams of one or two people each. Perhaps the first team is trying to pass a briefcase around while the other team is trying to steal it away from them. There are many possibilities for double crosses. Make sure you reveal them as loudly and dramatically as possible. Remember, even toy guns could get you arrested, but spies can cleverly conceal a gun in a lipstick case, an umbrella or even their shoe. Outlandish accents can also add an international flair.

Defeat Mars

Earthling Liberation Front

Requirements: One or more people, some cardboard or poster board, clipboard, paper, pen, pamphlets or palm cards, paper cone or megaphone, and any strange military uniforms you can throw together.

ActivityPick a busy street corner. Set up your recruitment station; put up posters bearing slogans railing against Mars (Stop the Red Menace: Destroy Mars, The Only Good Martian is a Dead Martian, Earth First!). Get as creative as you can with your posters and tracts but remember you HATE the Martians. Give angry and hate filled speeches on the evil Martian Empire, the dangerous Flying Saucer Fleet, Martian plans for conquest. Whatever comes to you. Attempt to get passersby to join your Pro-Earth Militia. If people laugh at you, get indignant and respond with “You won’t be laughing when the flying saucers destroy this city!”

Museum Fun

Requirements: Bed sheets, sticks, primitive masks.

ActivityHead down to the local natural history museum and find any sort of large, old statue or idol. Set up in front of it and begin performing an elaborate dance or religious ceremony. Worship the statue, prostrate yourselves before it and be prepared to cite the First Amendment if museum personnel try to kick you out.

Bored Games

Requirements: Board game, two or more people.

ActivitySimply go to a public place, set up a board game, the more complicated the better, on the floor. Have fun playing untill the cops come to throw you out. Enjoy.

Ask Montezuma: December 2004

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Advice from Beyond the Grave

Montezuma II

Montezuma II is back from his won-derful vacation last month and if greatly refreshed and ready to take on the day, so to speak. Montezuma II and Axes & Alleys regretfully inform our readership that a continued column by guest advice-giver Montezuma I is not possible at this time.

Dear Montezuma,

I was really good at musical theater, but then I gave it up. I had performed all the great parts; John’s butler in “A Tuna Passes to the North,” Abigail in “Disco Temblor” and even Deric Ventress in the great 1930s smash-hit “Destiny Pilots a Metaphor.”

For the last several years I’ve been working as a Wall Street analyst for a company I shall not name. I make a lot of money, live comfortably, but am unhappy because this is the life my parents wanted for me. Recently I was offered the part of Robert Drejer’s understudy in a high-school friend’s production of “Cleave to Me Oh Petty Officer.”

The pay scale is somewhat less than my current occupation and the job is full-time. In taking the positions, I’d have to find a smaller home and scrimp on luxuries. My parents will be unhappy and my car model girlfriend will probably leave me for my team-partner Gary. Should I rewrite the classic blocking for the scene where Robert tries on sun dresses at the Alsacien Boutique?

So Proud Here In North Charleston Township Emergency Room

Dearest SPHINCTER,

The character of Robert Drejer launched the careers of so many fine actors and distinguished pedestrians. The scene where Robert passes out from the excruciating pain of his hangnail when Marian spills lemonade on his sandals was a paramount performance coup for Bollywood it-boy Chandershekreman Rikutaporti.

The metaphysical implications of Robert’s choice of bow-tie over the bolo tie when he marries Andrea though he is still in love with Henry required the most subtle approbation of the choice of tie that the successful performance of such by Mike Zemin led to his lauded career as a Palmolive spokesmodel.

M. Smethurst, whom you may recall to memory as the founder of the Obnoxious school of acting, so astounded Queen Elizabeth II when he portrayed the aching loss of Robert’s pet salamander in the S-Mart shopping aisle that she stood up at the curtain and declared a 10 day national period of thanksgiving in Smethurst’s honour.

Alas, the poorly articulated performance of Robert Drejer by several actors has resulted in their loss of career and virtual non-existence in the theatrical and greater world. The actor formerly known only as Dan, you shant remember him because of his poor performance, is now relegated to taming pygmy hippopotami at a Venezuelan sweat-zoo.

Aaron Warner, last seen completely fumbling Robert’s elegant monolog on trusses, currently resides in a size 40 refrigerator box on the Nova Scotia coast. Once quite popular in Africa as a character actor, Jimmy Birdseed is now blessed with three mortgages and teaches high school remedial physical education in South Carolina. Again, as you likely don’t remember, his great beard and bald pate completely ruined the scene where Robert is assaulted and robbed by countless be-leathered homosexuals in a Baltimore strip mall and mini-amusement park.

These are a few of the thespiatric road kill left in the wake of a poor Robert Drejer performance. Remember that the sun dress scene is the pivotal portion of the second act and serves to illu-minate and enlighten, as well as elucidate and expound, Robert’s utilitarian ennui and post-pointillist angst. Keep this and the occurrences mentioned above in mind as you make your decision.

mars

Dear Montezuma,

My friend Frank and me was talking and we gots ter this thing. See, he says ya can’t run off on no tangent wit no bullwhip tryin ter find a dead horse. I says ya can. He says ya can’t. Then he takes my juice. Now, I gots ter thinking maybe he were jus tryin to distrect me from that there juice wit his horse-talkin. Whaddya think?

Ernie Anastos

Mr. Anastos,

I am a bit curious as to what kind of juice you were drinking. Was it orange? Another kind of citrus drink? Perhaps an ade of some sort? Or maybe you were consuming an apple beverage, perhaps a cider or an apple-cranberry admixture. This columnist is truly baffled. Could it have been one of the exotics, such as guava or mango? Or was it a mixture of exotics, like Caribbean Punch surprise? I really would like to know more about the juice because it is most certain that such knowledge would help me gain a better understanding of your situation. Perhaps Frank was trying to point you in the right direction, a direction whence you may come to comprehend the inscrutable. Certainly his classic example signifies such a stance. However, the juice thievery places an odour of chicanery about the whole exchange. Write me with this information when it is to your convenience and I will answer further in a future column.

Dear Montezuma,

I have 3 and a half feet of rope, a litre of petrol, 12 stone of dried barley, an air conditioner of 4500 British Thermal Units, a 3 cubit restaurant-style aluminum roasting pan, 7 2-count packages of wooden dowels, a 14,000 lumen camping light, 6 molar Hcl, a baker’s dozen of ornamental iron column capitals, 1703 lingen berries, an angstrom of electromagnetic radiation, 3 wallet chains, a murder of Lithuanian crows, a pair of catheters, 2 pints of caulk, 2 drams of synthetic oil, 1 penny-weight of palladium, a perch of schist, 1 scruple of cupric carbonate and a large plastic container of unspecified odds and ends. How many more pounds of sand do I need?

Rodney Iles

Sir RILE,

A wise man (there are many of these, but this one was particularly wise) once said that 5 drams of synthetic oil could get you to the Faroe Islands and back, no problem. I am inclined to be agreeable with this man. Clearly, one should also be searching for a 12 molar concentration of acid. Avogadro was also a wise man, but he was notoriously miserly. The sage creator originated our species, if you are in fact human, with two representatives. You should consider the same for your marooned penny-weight of palladium. As you can see, with these changes no sand is necessary.

How to Do It

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with regular commentator Lemuel lebratt

By Permanent Guest-Commentator Marcia Spatzelberg

Marcia Spatzelberg

With the current situation in America these days, you can’t help but feel more secure with a tiny, miniature version of your house underground in the subterranean section of your background. So, grab a spade and let’s get working.

Step 01
Dig a big hole. Line the sides of the hole with corrugated tin (easily obtained from the roofs of the hovels in your city’s shanty town district). Then, put a lid on it and cover the whole thing back over with dirt. Make sure to leave a door. New sod will restore your lawn to its pre-survivalist bunker glory.

Bomb Shelter

Step 02
You’ll need some basic survival items. A generator is a good thing to have on hand. That way you can have electric powered light instead of having to relying on your candle-making skills, which probably aren’t that good unless you happen to be employed as the candle-making lady at Colonial Williamsburg. You’re also going to need a lot of water, and if you’re like me, you’re gonna want tequila as well. Limes go well with tequila. Canned foods are good, but you’ll need a can opening tool, which can often be obtained as part of a set. If you join the Swiss Army they will issue you a multi-purpose tool called a Swiss Army Knife, which has a can-opener included. Any supermarket, check your local phonebook for supermarkets in your area, sells canned food. Canned food comes in many varieties, although the most popular are olives, pineapple chunks in syrup, collard greens, French cut green beans, herring, sardines, beets, chickpeas, sliced peaches, apricots, string-beans, mustard greens, red beans, Spam, corned beef hash, pink salmon, tuna, clam juice, chicken broth, tomato sauce, lobster pieces, mushrooms, pineapple juice, orange juice concentrate, baby corn, jalapeno peppers, refried beans, artichoke hearts, white potatoes, and Beef-a-Roni, which is a macaroni and beef dish native to Italy. Cigarettes and porn will also help you through the lonely nights, or if you’re afraid of committing Onan’s sin, you might pick up a Russian lady or gentleman from one of those internet sites or catalogues. Twine is also good, because, you never know.

Canned Goods

Step 03
Survive and live on to build a new society on the ruins of the old.

Remains Spatula

A Message From Dave

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How to be America’s First Evil Dictator
by Dave Shmerson

Davaganda
Dave Shmerson is the writer of several informative pamphlets on the subject of knot tying for seamen as well as a mid-level party func-tionary in the People’s Republic of Mongolia and ambassador plenipo-tentiary to the Unified Nations, an alternative to the United Nations.

America is clearly in need of its first evil dictator. While Aaron Burr’s attempt was essentially stillborn and Calvin Coolidge failed completely in showing any sign of antagonistic tyranny, it is still possible for one of you to be at the forefront of fascist autocracy in America.

Here’s how: Found your political party. Complicated? Not at all. Merely register with your state elections board, then grab a bunch of friends or like-minded folks you meet at the bar, Sunday school or singles picnics sponsored by on-line dating sites. Build on this through compulsion. Nothing makes someone want to join your party more than the capture and threatened ruthless murder of close relatives. You may also wish to try poison.

With your base firmly established, you can now go on to forcefully spread the word. Ideally The Party of Evil will have catchy branding and forced ballot access in all 50 states. Target that all-important 18-24 demographic with ads touting The POE. Avoid Edgar Allen references and play on people’s fears. They won’t know what a fright they’re in for after they vote you in.

Say anything to get a vote. It may seem like politicians already do this, but they really don’t. The POE will say absolutely anything to get a vote. When cornered by journalists, threaten the lives of themselves and their families. As you can see, using the relations of those placing themselves as obstacles in your way is an important tactic in furthering your career as an evil dictator. Make sure to keep in practice with unruly grocery store clerks and perfume sprayers at department stores. You will also be spending a lot of time in grocery and department stores, but we’ll get to that later.

Spend most of your campaign money on issue ads directed at destroying the Moon. This is not only classic evil, but will draw attention to The POE and away from the two major parties. Make sure to spend Sunday mornings listing reasons why the Moon will be destroyed. Do not threaten Sunday morning commentators. They are an already prepared arm of evil and should be coddled. Whenever the “opposition” is given an opportunity to speak, interrupt, lambast and bring the conversation back to the topic of the Moon. You’ll win handily every time.

You may be asked about our interactions with international powers. Be aggressive with foreign relations. When asked policy questions, respond that our enemies will be destroyed by our grand, victorious armies. Shake your fist and vow to finish what James K. Polk started.

Criticize historic dictators whenever asked about the policies of the incumbent. Say how soft Stalin was on political opponents. Carry around a pyramid of grapefruit which demonstrates the proper way to stack skulls. Make sure to deride Pol Pot’s method. Compare yourself favourably. Threaten critical opinion writers. Send your “men” around to their houses early in the morning and late at night. They don’t have to do anything they just have to be there, though an occasional menacing glare helps. Send strange packages and have your lackeys call in bomb threats on their homes. It’s not high political manoeuvring, but it sure is fun.

Unified Nations

Falsely identify generals and admirals as military allies. Hint at the words “junta” and “coup.” Force them to defend the ridiculous allegations, bringing you publicity. If you see any sign that their defences are being taken seriously, comment on their fair-weather attitude and lacklustre military prowess. Ask about the last time they fought a successful war.

In the week before the election, state that you’re not sure what party members will do at the polls. Tell reporters that you really have no control over what your partisans will do (you can joke about this back at the POE lounge later). Make voters feel unsafe. Post uniformed party members one foot past the legal bounds for campaign workers near polling places.

On election day, ride through a major city in the tank you bought earlier in the year. Have your face painted on the side of the war machine. Cackle a lot. Once you’ve won, immediately storm the White House and remove the current occupant. You don’t want any lame duck officer creating policy before your ascendance. Force the Chief Justice to swear you in, then have him shot. What you do with the office of President is really up to you, but remember the three keys to being a dictator.

1. Always kill the overconfident underling.
2. Make sure to eat one strange combination of foods.
3. Great uniforms.

Ask Montezuma: August 2004

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Advice from Beyond the Grave!

This month’s “Ask Montezuma” will be written by guest-columnist Montezuma I, as Montezuma II, wife Trudy and their children are taking a much-deserved vacation in Asia.

Montezuma dispenses advice every week
on his National Public Radio program Mentor-
Montey, which can also be heard on Radio
Free Bulgaria.

Dear Montezuma,
My Mom and Dad have been planning on buying me a pony for the last three years. I’m only six years old and I don’t want a pony, I want a Steven Wolfram cellular automata set with the French Riviera play set. I even wrote to Dr. Wolfram, but he never answered my email or my letter. Once I saw him on TV and he picked his nose. It’s funny to think of this famous brain guy sitting in the bathroom, thinking up a new kind of science. I do that sometimes. Am I going to have a little brother or a little sister?
Mondays Are Really Yesterday

Mary,
What in the blazes are you going on about? First it’s the stupid pony, then you go on selfishly about some washed up MacArthur genius. Since when did “Dr.” Wolfram get involved with Mattel anyway? So you wrote the guy? Big deal. I write people all the time. Look at me now, I’m writing to you. You’re pretty stupid for a six year old. You’re probably not done picking your own nose yet. I can’t even make sense of your letter.

Oh Montezuma,
Please don’t shoot the messenger here but I have a dumb question about Legionnaire’s Disease. I currently work for a company I shall not specify and we have recently issued a corporate policy on Legionella, the bacterium which causes Legionnaire’s Disease. My question regards tropical fish tanks. The water temperature 22C – 45C. Some rather gross sediment has built up on the bottom of the tank. That tank is an optimal place for nutrients feeding bacterial growth. As you know, probably, water condenses and evaporates, but the tank recirculates the water. I don’t know the volume of water in the tanks because they’re all different, so if you need to know that, just let me know. A lot of these tanks are at nursing homes, so a lot of old people are put at risk. Obviously this tank is the perfect place for Legionella to thrive! Give me some peace of mind here.
Robert U. Belknapp, New York

Rube,
I’ll give you some piece of mind and a bullet, to boot. Why the hell are you asking me? You’re the expert, apparently. I don’t even know what a legionella is. You build up all this talk of some awful disease and then throw the fish tank thing at me. Now I’ve got a wonderful description of some god-awful fish tank in the middle of wrinkly old farts who can’t wipe themselves. And if I were going to answer your mongoloid question, it would be nice if you took the time to find out the volume of water in the tanks. You’ve read the magazine, you know the format for the column and you leave out what might be a critical piece of information. I ought to slap you.

Dearest Montezuma,
Why is the sky blue?
Ornithal Jones,
Aged 44

Orny, Well, looking up at it, I’d say it’s a nice shade of black right now. You’re probably thinking during that day time part of the day. Well, I don’t usually see the bright side of sunrise, so I couldn’t tell you. However, I can take a whack at figuring out why the sky is black. As I see it now, it’s black because it’s got a black color to it. So, I would assume that during the day it’s blue (if it is blue) because the sky is colored blue. Now that I think about it, the colors could just be painted on the back of your eyeball to make the sky look like that. I’m really the wrong person to ask, but hey, you have a good one.

Dear Montezuma,
Why did Kiley never call me and ignore me that one night after she was all flirty two days earlier.
Albert Redmon Nadler Isaac Edmonds

Arnie,
That was so not an anonymous letter. I just told you yesterday I was going to be covering this gig. And that fake name really sucks. I figured it out right away. Anyway, I don’t know why she didn’t call you. Probably because you only really saw her the once when you guys were drunk. There was obvious chemistry before you got drunk, but then you only saw each other the once. Like you said, the second time you saw her she was performing and all and it was a birthday party for her friend. You just met, so she was probably running around taking care of that. And you didn’t make any effort after that. I would’ve. She was hot, guy. Of course, it could’ve been your smelly feet. I think that was the week you lost your pumice.

Dear Montezuma,
Recently I was dining at a well known establishment, when my wife hit me with the difficult news that she wanted to get a divorce. I’m not really sure how this started. Back when we first met at Canasta Camp, we hit it off perfectly, bonding over our love of Dutch Cuisine, Canadian horror movies, the color mauve, and of course canasta. Our early time together was just magical and, dare I say it, perfect. We were wed after dating for a few years, and while we had a couple of fights during these times, they were of short duration and quickly resolved. Barely did we ever have trouble. After marriage, we got along even better, or so it seemed. Sure, there were difficulties; the time she wrecked my car after running a stop sign, it was so clearly her fault and she refused to admit it, even after the police report, the civil suit and all of that. I just wanted an apology for wrecking my car, but she said that I should apologize for not supporting her. I’m all for supporting her, but it was a difficult time for us both. Then, the next month, she accused me of wanting to cheat on her because I checked out this girl at the WalMart. Then, she threw all this stuff at me, claiming that I flirted too much with my co-workers and with the check out girl down at the supermarket. I think she was just trying to justify her own thoughts of cheating, and I told her that and she got really mad and stormed out. Later that night she came back drunk and I told her that it was irresponsible for her to drive drunk, but she claimed that she had only had a couple of drinks and was fine. I claimed that it wasn’t the amount of alcohol that mattered, it was the whole situation. You shouldn’t get behind the wheel if you’ve been drinking, period. Sure, I could have spent more time doing things that she enjoyed, but I do really think that she’s got a crush on this guy at her new work. See, she changed jobs a couple of months ago and keeps telling me stories about this guy Charlie there. She shrugs it off and even jokes about wanting to have sex with him, and that hurt me. So, last week after I dropped by her office to bring her lunch to her, I caught her seriously flirting with the guy. Yeah, I did a rash thing. I yelled at her in front of her co-workers and caused a bit of a scene. That was a little harsh and probably embarrassing for her, but for Christ’s sake, she was sitting in the guy’s lap. At work. They were all up on each other, their faces like four inches apart and they were both giggling. It was too much. And to top it all off, now my damn lawn mower won’t start anymore and my car’s still got a big dent in the right fender. What should I do about this whole mess I’ve made of my life?
Entropy Only Now

Dear Eon,
Hey, man, that’s pretty rough. Especially, you know, the fact you probably had your dinner ruined. I’m kind of curious if she dropped “da bom” after the appetizers. If you dig Dutch cuisine, you know that bad news isn’t cool right before the main course. Look on the bright side, dude. She might have just had a bad seafood mixer plate or something. And don’t forget that Dutch beer. Maybe she hadn’t eaten all day. I’d try dressing real provocative-like and crawling into bed with her. That usually works.

Montezuma II will return next month, with all new advice for the world’s confused masses of rabble.