How to Do It

with regular commentator Lemuel lebratt

By Permanent Guest-Commentator Marcia Spatzelberg

Marcia Spatzelberg

With the current situation in America these days, you can’t help but feel more secure with a tiny, miniature version of your house underground in the subterranean section of your background. So, grab a spade and let’s get working.

Step 01
Dig a big hole. Line the sides of the hole with corrugated tin (easily obtained from the roofs of the hovels in your city’s shanty town district). Then, put a lid on it and cover the whole thing back over with dirt. Make sure to leave a door. New sod will restore your lawn to its pre-survivalist bunker glory.

Bomb Shelter

Step 02
You’ll need some basic survival items. A generator is a good thing to have on hand. That way you can have electric powered light instead of having to relying on your candle-making skills, which probably aren’t that good unless you happen to be employed as the candle-making lady at Colonial Williamsburg. You’re also going to need a lot of water, and if you’re like me, you’re gonna want tequila as well. Limes go well with tequila. Canned foods are good, but you’ll need a can opening tool, which can often be obtained as part of a set. If you join the Swiss Army they will issue you a multi-purpose tool called a Swiss Army Knife, which has a can-opener included. Any supermarket, check your local phonebook for supermarkets in your area, sells canned food. Canned food comes in many varieties, although the most popular are olives, pineapple chunks in syrup, collard greens, French cut green beans, herring, sardines, beets, chickpeas, sliced peaches, apricots, string-beans, mustard greens, red beans, Spam, corned beef hash, pink salmon, tuna, clam juice, chicken broth, tomato sauce, lobster pieces, mushrooms, pineapple juice, orange juice concentrate, baby corn, jalapeno peppers, refried beans, artichoke hearts, white potatoes, and Beef-a-Roni, which is a macaroni and beef dish native to Italy. Cigarettes and porn will also help you through the lonely nights, or if you’re afraid of committing Onan’s sin, you might pick up a Russian lady or gentleman from one of those internet sites or catalogues. Twine is also good, because, you never know.

Canned Goods

Step 03
Survive and live on to build a new society on the ruins of the old.

Remains Spatula

4 Comments

  • Mary Michael
    February 8, 2007 - 11:13 pm | Permalink

    Alright, so I stumbled on this site looking for a picture of a bombshelter for ideas of a play I’m currently writing. This is fantastic. I absolutely love it.
    I don’t know what Axes and Alleys is, but I’m going to find out and hopefully I’ll keep subscribing.

    Keep in touch!
    Much love,
    Mary

  • February 8, 2007 - 11:24 pm | Permalink

    Dearest mary,

    We’re a magazine, pure an simple. We aim to provide the best in tractor repair and maintenance information, though often we pass beyond that purview. Hopefully, you’ll enjoy what Axes & Alleys has to offer. If you don’t, you may send complaint letters to your local councilman.

  • November 27, 2009 - 2:00 am | Permalink

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  • November 29, 2009 - 2:07 pm | Permalink

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