Ask Montezuma: December 2004

Advice from Beyond the Grave

Montezuma II

Montezuma II is back from his won-derful vacation last month and if greatly refreshed and ready to take on the day, so to speak. Montezuma II and Axes & Alleys regretfully inform our readership that a continued column by guest advice-giver Montezuma I is not possible at this time.

Dear Montezuma,

I was really good at musical theater, but then I gave it up. I had performed all the great parts; John’s butler in “A Tuna Passes to the North,” Abigail in “Disco Temblor” and even Deric Ventress in the great 1930s smash-hit “Destiny Pilots a Metaphor.”

For the last several years I’ve been working as a Wall Street analyst for a company I shall not name. I make a lot of money, live comfortably, but am unhappy because this is the life my parents wanted for me. Recently I was offered the part of Robert Drejer’s understudy in a high-school friend’s production of “Cleave to Me Oh Petty Officer.”

The pay scale is somewhat less than my current occupation and the job is full-time. In taking the positions, I’d have to find a smaller home and scrimp on luxuries. My parents will be unhappy and my car model girlfriend will probably leave me for my team-partner Gary. Should I rewrite the classic blocking for the scene where Robert tries on sun dresses at the Alsacien Boutique?

So Proud Here In North Charleston Township Emergency Room


The character of Robert Drejer launched the careers of so many fine actors and distinguished pedestrians. The scene where Robert passes out from the excruciating pain of his hangnail when Marian spills lemonade on his sandals was a paramount performance coup for Bollywood it-boy Chandershekreman Rikutaporti.

The metaphysical implications of Robert’s choice of bow-tie over the bolo tie when he marries Andrea though he is still in love with Henry required the most subtle approbation of the choice of tie that the successful performance of such by Mike Zemin led to his lauded career as a Palmolive spokesmodel.

M. Smethurst, whom you may recall to memory as the founder of the Obnoxious school of acting, so astounded Queen Elizabeth II when he portrayed the aching loss of Robert’s pet salamander in the S-Mart shopping aisle that she stood up at the curtain and declared a 10 day national period of thanksgiving in Smethurst’s honour.

Alas, the poorly articulated performance of Robert Drejer by several actors has resulted in their loss of career and virtual non-existence in the theatrical and greater world. The actor formerly known only as Dan, you shant remember him because of his poor performance, is now relegated to taming pygmy hippopotami at a Venezuelan sweat-zoo.

Aaron Warner, last seen completely fumbling Robert’s elegant monolog on trusses, currently resides in a size 40 refrigerator box on the Nova Scotia coast. Once quite popular in Africa as a character actor, Jimmy Birdseed is now blessed with three mortgages and teaches high school remedial physical education in South Carolina. Again, as you likely don’t remember, his great beard and bald pate completely ruined the scene where Robert is assaulted and robbed by countless be-leathered homosexuals in a Baltimore strip mall and mini-amusement park.

These are a few of the thespiatric road kill left in the wake of a poor Robert Drejer performance. Remember that the sun dress scene is the pivotal portion of the second act and serves to illu-minate and enlighten, as well as elucidate and expound, Robert’s utilitarian ennui and post-pointillist angst. Keep this and the occurrences mentioned above in mind as you make your decision.


Dear Montezuma,

My friend Frank and me was talking and we gots ter this thing. See, he says ya can’t run off on no tangent wit no bullwhip tryin ter find a dead horse. I says ya can. He says ya can’t. Then he takes my juice. Now, I gots ter thinking maybe he were jus tryin to distrect me from that there juice wit his horse-talkin. Whaddya think?

Ernie Anastos

Mr. Anastos,

I am a bit curious as to what kind of juice you were drinking. Was it orange? Another kind of citrus drink? Perhaps an ade of some sort? Or maybe you were consuming an apple beverage, perhaps a cider or an apple-cranberry admixture. This columnist is truly baffled. Could it have been one of the exotics, such as guava or mango? Or was it a mixture of exotics, like Caribbean Punch surprise? I really would like to know more about the juice because it is most certain that such knowledge would help me gain a better understanding of your situation. Perhaps Frank was trying to point you in the right direction, a direction whence you may come to comprehend the inscrutable. Certainly his classic example signifies such a stance. However, the juice thievery places an odour of chicanery about the whole exchange. Write me with this information when it is to your convenience and I will answer further in a future column.

Dear Montezuma,

I have 3 and a half feet of rope, a litre of petrol, 12 stone of dried barley, an air conditioner of 4500 British Thermal Units, a 3 cubit restaurant-style aluminum roasting pan, 7 2-count packages of wooden dowels, a 14,000 lumen camping light, 6 molar Hcl, a baker’s dozen of ornamental iron column capitals, 1703 lingen berries, an angstrom of electromagnetic radiation, 3 wallet chains, a murder of Lithuanian crows, a pair of catheters, 2 pints of caulk, 2 drams of synthetic oil, 1 penny-weight of palladium, a perch of schist, 1 scruple of cupric carbonate and a large plastic container of unspecified odds and ends. How many more pounds of sand do I need?

Rodney Iles


A wise man (there are many of these, but this one was particularly wise) once said that 5 drams of synthetic oil could get you to the Faroe Islands and back, no problem. I am inclined to be agreeable with this man. Clearly, one should also be searching for a 12 molar concentration of acid. Avogadro was also a wise man, but he was notoriously miserly. The sage creator originated our species, if you are in fact human, with two representatives. You should consider the same for your marooned penny-weight of palladium. As you can see, with these changes no sand is necessary.

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