A Simple Guide to Living in a Haunted House


Whether your home was the site of a series of grisly murders by an underrated symphony conductor in the 1940s, or was built on a gallows where an innocent man was hanged, chances are you’ll have to deal with a house chock-full of restless spirits. No one likes waking up to the sounds of woeful moans and footsteps. And spirit writing just wrecks your freshly painted walls. So, here are some hints to living in peace with that ghost or getting them the hell out of your abode.

  • Many spirits are simply confused by the trauma of passing on and do not realize that they are dead. Leave the obits out conspicuously on the coffee table with a few funeral home brochures and headstone catalogues. Chances are they might just get the hint.
  • To encourage a ghost to leave your home and move on, you should remind them that you legally occupy the house and that they are a guest. When writing out your rent check, loudly lament that the rent is so high and that you wish that everyone in the house would pay their fair share.
  • If a poltergeist starts flinging objects around or breaking glasses, an-eye-for-an-eye is a good thing to remember. Go to the person’s grave and smash the headstone with a big hammer. See how they like them apples.
  • Try just ignoring the ghost. If that doesn’t work, annoy them by talking loudly and often about how awesome it is to be alive. Say things like “Gee, sure glad I’m alive and not dead so I can enjoy all of this delicious ice cream.”
  • If you find yourself dealing with a particularly persistent ghost, you may need to call in an expert to help exorcize the house. Or you can just do it yourself, because with a simple prayer you can turn the toilet into a fountain full of holy water.
  • When performing your own exorcism, remember that not all dead people are Christian. Have nearby handy copies of the Talmud, the Koran, the Bahavagita, Dianetics, the Communist Manifesto and the Zoroastrianistrokan.
  • Should you actually see an apparition, offer it a cup of tea. No need to be rude, after all.
  • Spirits often attempt to communicate through spirit writing or through EVP. Just ignore them. They never have anything useful to say.
  • Sometimes a spirit is traumatized by its death and needs closure before moving on. Remind the ghost that you’re not its damn therapist and that you have better things to do than to help it deal with its magazine rack full of issues.
  • If, through research in musty volumes at the library, you discover that your house was built on top of an old Indian burial ground, go down to the basement, dig up the bones and move them somewhere else, because we conquered it, it’s our country now and we don’t need stupid, defeated natives’ spirits bugging us all the time.
  • Turn the tables on the ghost and walk through it repeatedly. Do this especially if the ghost is trying to communicate with you. They find it unbearably annoying.
  • Only rarely do ghosts appear in photographic or video images. Use this to your advantage by turning your home into a discount portrait studio.
  • A little-know fact about visitors from the netherworld is that more than anything they hate artificial watermelon scent. Modern air-freshening technology can help you immeasurably.
  • Knick-knacks while generally an eyesore are also a no-no. Poltergeists can fling such objects all over the place at the least causing a nuisance, at most mild pain and property damage.
  • If the haunted house you’re living in happens to be part of a theme park or annual holiday celebration, this is not the article you’re looking for. Please see our Tiberium 1966 issue.
  • Ghosts can be attached to certain objects. If yours is one such as this, do not dispose of the object in the curbside trash pick up as the disposal of paranormal refuse has been strictly regulated by the EPA since 1984. Use the recycling bin.
  • Sometimes your standard apparitions are semi-permeable. Spraying them with a mister produces lovely visual effects including rainbows and hilarious distortions of the people or objects directly behind the spirit.
  • If it’s a tree on your property which happens to be the source of the haunting, why not employ the use of a chainsaw?
  • If you’re willing to strike up a relationship with the deceased, they can really help when cheating at cards.
  • Ghosts are supposedly kept at bay with iron, but a better repellant is pure disbelief.

5 thoughts on “A Simple Guide to Living in a Haunted House

  1. Someone, a shadow walked around from my side of the bed last night, to the foot and stood besdie my sleeping boyfriend and stared at me. This has made me very uncomfortable. I am slightly afraid to go to bed tonight as I am going alone……any ideas?

  2. Honest points raised here. I am glad to you for that, even so you deserve more thanks than that. I have colour blindness. I principally use Firefox browser and regard a number of web sites are tough to grasp thanks to a incautious range of colors used. Nonetheless, here, as the range of colors is beneficial, the design is super tidy and enjoyable to comprehend. I don’t know whether it was a premeditated and conscious undertaking, or just the ‘luck of the draw’, but I still thank you.

  3. My ghost was annoying me and wouldn’t stop so I complained about the rent and I then heard a loud sigh and moan behind me. LOL

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