September 20, 2003 @ 10:16 pm
OUR CONTINUING EXPLORATION OF THE PROGRESS OF ANGLO-AMERICAN MANUFACTURING AND PRODUCTION: PART VII: HOW BOWLING BALLS ARE CONSTRUCTED.
by Lydia Ratwelder
Staff Writer and Duocycle Enthusiast, Winner of the 1986 Yitchy Prize for Floral Arrangement Destruction
Bowling Balls are an amazing new industrial product, first discovered in 1887 by Swedish scientist Yaltosa Ban Botta. Today the Russian province of Kamchatka remains one of the world’s foremost bowling ball producing areas.
Within the carbonicthixotropic core lie many small elementules, which are small, complex chains of proteins wrapped in polymer sheathes.
These elementules migrate to the holocore. At the holocore they are picked up by bowler�’s fingers and scattered. Those elementules which are able to land near large sources of carbon (dead animals, coal mines, pencil cases) are able to reproduce. After exchanging protein segments, the elementules grow, absorbing carbon and other trace elements from their environment, which they metabolize.
Eventually, the polymer sheathe is shed and the bowling balls enter their haploid state. The haploid mesomorphs are known as Endotrophins.
Endotrophins move freely, using their extropherous probes to absorb carbon and plastic from the subterranean tunnels and warrens. The carbon is metabolized and stored in the gastroceleph. When the gastroceleph is full, it drops off and becomes a new bowling ball.
The balls are gathered by local herdsmen and sold at market to traveling mongers who export them for use in Milwaukee and other bowling-heavy areas of North America.
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@ 11:12 pm
The Astounding and Contrafibulating Advances of Science and Learning to be Witnessed by Gentle-Men of the God Fearing Nations in Years Which Shall Follow This One.
Doctor Ulf Goltschleer (age 12) is an inventor, scientist and tinker. He was also the winner of the 1932 Nobel Prize for Applied Radio-Zoology.
His inventions include the Electric Pram, the Carbuncle Inductor, the Silent Gropple Choke, the Wireless Hammer, the Four-Way Radio, the Alternating Sigmoido-Scope and Asia.
He is also notable for the fact that he once murdered Thomas Alva Edison.
* Buildings one hundred feet high!
* Specialized contraptions which are able to navigate through the atmospheres!
* Devices which shall enable men to determine the direction of the wind’s blowing!
* Specialized plates formed from translucent materials which shall be constructed into structures so as to allow men to see though walls.
* Contraptions which will allow for the motorization of all manner of farming implements!
* Carriages which may perambulate without the aid of a pack animal!
* Ocean-going vessels capable of traversing the Atlantic Ocean in only one month!
* Electrical China-Men for construction and labor needs, which work without the need for extravagantly costing food stuffs and liquid nourishment!
* Specialized devices which aid in the removal of solid excrement from the anal region!
* Electrical machines which shall be able to create luminescence without the aid of solid or gaseous fuel stuffs.
* Mechanical devices to aid or even replace semaphore as the chief means of communicating over vast distances.
* Scientifical helmets which shall act as shields against the sun’s powerful light, protecting the eyes and face from unneeded exposure.
* And zeppelins, let me tell you, the skies will be full of zeppelins. A zeppelin in every driveway and monkeys in diving helmets roving through the canyons of Jupiter, deathrays in hand, caught in a life-or-death struggle with an army of silver, shining automatons, and flying cars, and monkeys.
A Glorious Future Awaits!
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October 25, 2003 @ 12:49 am
Our Guide to Aquatic Biology
Part XCVII
How Anemones Work
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June 20, 2004 @ 10:51 pm
An In-Depth Exploration of That Which Provides Sustenance and Balance for the Savage Realm
The Food Chain
The MAN kills the ELEPHANT for his IVORY, which the MAN sells for MONEY.
With the MONEY, the MAN can by BANANAS to feed MONKEYS.
MONKEYS plow fields and grow WHEAT.
Other MONKEYS bake BREAD from the WHEAT.
That BREAD ends up on your table thanks to the food chain and cheap MONKEY labor.
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July 20, 2004 @ 10:05 pm
Scienticians Create Cybernetic Tractor
The Agr0Farm TRACTORG® and the
unwillingly abducted person who now
acts as the tractor’s control system.
The countless unexplained disappearances throughout the State of Montsylvania have finally been explained. It seems that AgroFarm, a subsidiary of Daniel Bester Inc., has been abducting countless people and using these unwilling souls as components in their new class of cyborg-controlled tractors.
TRACTORG®, the new line of tractors, freatures human brains which act as control units for the state-of-the-art tilling equipment. In the construction of TRACTORG® models, innocent people are kidnapped off the street or from their homes, then taken to the AgroFarm production facility where they are assimilated.
The painful and horrific process of assimilation involves the amputation of unnecessary limbs, the implantation of interface nodes inot the cictim’s brain, and the eradication of all personality. While the subjects remain aware of the their surroundings, and while they are no doubt capable of feeling great pain and suffereing at their loss of individuality, the people are no longer capable of expressing such things, and thus these emotions are of no consequence to the farmers and agriculturalists who utilize the TRACTORG® technology.
An AgroFarm spokesman reported that while thousands upon thousands of innocent people are suffering horrors beyond comprehension, it is well worth it, because the TRACTORG® models are nearly six percent more efficient than non-cyborg controlled farming equipment.
While the victims’ families have attempted to file a civil suit against AgroFarm’s parent company Daniel Bester Inc., the suit has been dismissed by Circuit Court Judge James Thorax, who by a mere coincidence is also Honorary Vice-President of AgroFarm.
Be sure to check out the whole line of TRACTORG® models when they officially premier at the World Tractor Fair, being held next July at the Actria Falls, Elizabethia Civics Center.
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