October 25, 2003 @ 12:24 am
With Regular Commentator Lemuel LeBratt
This week’s Slow Torture Tutorial with LeMuel LeBratt has been indefinitely postponed. This week we offer you a replacement column instead, authored by Mrs. Marcia Mountbatten, Esq. Mrs. Esq. is a famous expert and knower of all things mechanical.
In this column, Mrs. Esq. will instruct you on how to construct a mechanical automaton and perhaps also how to make it function. This automaton will be able, with little effort, to maintain the appearance of the home, yard and vestibule.
It will perform laundering tasks, of both clothing and money. Our mechanical automaton will function as your own personal in-home certified public accountant and banker. Feel free to leave your money with him.
Also explored in this week’s column, how a mechanical automaton can service you, including: oral sexual relations, anal sexual relations and other forms of physical pleasure.
STEP ONE
Conversely, we will also explore how your new mechanistical man will be able to slowly torture your political enemies, personal enemies and neighbours. Pesky problems will vanish instantaneously with torture!
Never before seen images of the nefarious, home constructed being will be shown to you, along with easy to follow instructional panels relating to construction and maintenance.
Well, we hope you enjoyed this month’s “How To Column,” be sure to check back next month when regular commentator LeMuel LeBratt returns from his vacation in the beautiful land of Esperon.
STEP TWO: PROJECT COMPLETE
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June 20, 2004 @ 10:13 pm
With Regular Commentator Lemuel LeBratt
By Permanent Guest-Commentator Marcia Spatzelberg
Greetings, Good Readers. This month’s How-To Section is going to help you improve your home greatly, while simultaneously cutting down on your energy bill.
That’s right, I’m going to show you how to turn an ordinary toaster in a Class VIII Nuclear Fission Reactor.
It’s easy, but to make it simpler I’ve put together a list of a handy items you’ll need on hand before you start building. Ready? All right, let’s do this.
WHAT YOU NEED
- Toaster
- Pair of pliers
- Newspaper
- Flat head screwdriver
- 6 miles of copper wire
- 5 million gallons water
- 6 km of 3’’ PVC pipe
- 1 kpg-4 valve (level 6)
- 6000 bags of concrete
- 4 tons enriched uranium 235.
- 12 tons of Cobalt or Iridium.
- 6 Bossard-Neils Direct Current Transformers.
- 608 km of triple insulated electrical wire.
- 82,006 2m sections of steel rebar.
- 10 million and three 1’’ steel rivets.
- Old coffee can (make sure you wash it out)
- scissors
- riveting gun
- lead lined gloves (6 pair)
- 4 High compression CO2 tanks with V3 valves
- EPA certification for Nuclear Reactor Construction (you will be required to fill out form #GH-706-B12 and submit a proper state-issued diver’s license)
- 4 eight million gallon per hour capacity high pressure water pumps.
- 1 twnety ton loading crane on trolley rigging.
- red construction paper.
- glitter
- 16 million watt capacity magnetic containment system.
The list will be continued in the next issue.
Thanks for reading and bye for now, my loves.
xxx ooo
Marcia.
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July 20, 2004 @ 9:48 pm
With Regular Commentator LeMuel LeBratt
LeMuel LeBratt is an autodidact who began teaching himself how to do it at the age of thirty-five. LeMuel continues his unparalleled excellence in all fields of learning.
Special permanent guest columnist Marcia Spatzelberg invented the autogiro and bathyscaphe in her early teens and has gone on to great work at the AgroFarm R&D centre in Oaksville, EL.
This issue we shall teach you how to construct and run your very own self-storing tractor. Self-storing tractors are not in popular use yet, but they have a growing future on the horizon.
With a self-storing tractor you can maintain your tractor’s exterior, making environmental wear and tear almost negligible. With steady cleaning and maintenance of the parts and attachments, you can augment your tractor in a fashion that will enable it to last a life-time. You’ll also be able to store tools, gardening supplies and small barnyard animals in your self-storing tractor.
To begin, you’ll need these parts: 1 tractor (we use the Zebit DRZ-277 series tractor carriage. With a little work, you can use any tractor), 3 one gallon drums of AgroFarm Timberlac Wood Varnish, 9 wooden poles (6’’ wide and 12’ tall), 52 wooden planks (6’’ wide and 12’ long), 36 wooden planks (6’’ wide and 8’ long), 30 wooden dowels (2’’ wide and 2’ long), 30 metal clamps to fit with dowels, 36’’ of plastic strip (2’’ wide), assorted nails, 1 drill, 1 acetylene torch, 2 acetylene tanks (full), welding mask, small crane or pulley system.
First, you must build the shed. This should take no more than a day for one person to build, with the occasional help from a good friend or toadie. Once the shed is built, make sure to use the dowels and metal clamps to attach the shed to the tractor with welding joints. Attach plastic stripping to either side of the shed. Make sure to leave space in the shed walls so that you can see where you’re going. There you have it, your very own self-storing tractor!
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August 20, 2004 @ 10:26 pm
With Regular Commentator LeMuel LeBratt
By Permanent Guest-Commentator Marcia Spatzelberg
Greetings, boys and girls. This month’s fun project is going to be totally fun. I’m going to teach you how to make a bird feeder out of an important French Enlightenment figure.
Materials
- One Rene Descartes’ skull
- Two feet of aluminum wire
- Two 3⁄4 inch washers
- Two 3⁄4 inch wood screws
- Two 3⁄4 inch wing nuts
- One remains spatula
Step the First:
Use the handy remains spatula to clear away any three-hundred-year-old bits of rotted, decrepit flesh. Although it isn’t necessary, you may want to snazz up Mr. Descartes’ with some water-proof varnish or skull wax.
Step the Second:
Turn the skull upside down and use a handsaw (sorry, the handsaw should have been mentioned in the Materials section above) to remove the skull cap; the first two centimeters of the domed top of Mr. Descartes’ earthly remains.
Step the Third:
Use the other items to make a handle.
Step the Fourth:
Fill with birdseed and hang from a tree.
Step the Fifth:
Enjoy watching birds eat from one of the world’s greatest philosopher’s heads.
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December 26, 2004 @ 11:01 pm
with regular commentator Lemuel lebratt
By Permanent Guest-Commentator Marcia Spatzelberg
With the current situation in America these days, you can’t help but feel more secure with a tiny, miniature version of your house underground in the subterranean section of your background. So, grab a spade and let’s get working.
Step 01
Dig a big hole. Line the sides of the hole with corrugated tin (easily obtained from the roofs of the hovels in your city’s shanty town district). Then, put a lid on it and cover the whole thing back over with dirt. Make sure to leave a door. New sod will restore your lawn to its pre-survivalist bunker glory.
Step 02
You’ll need some basic survival items. A generator is a good thing to have on hand. That way you can have electric powered light instead of having to relying on your candle-making skills, which probably aren’t that good unless you happen to be employed as the candle-making lady at Colonial Williamsburg. You’re also going to need a lot of water, and if you’re like me, you’re gonna want tequila as well. Limes go well with tequila. Canned foods are good, but you’ll need a can opening tool, which can often be obtained as part of a set. If you join the Swiss Army they will issue you a multi-purpose tool called a Swiss Army Knife, which has a can-opener included. Any supermarket, check your local phonebook for supermarkets in your area, sells canned food. Canned food comes in many varieties, although the most popular are olives, pineapple chunks in syrup, collard greens, French cut green beans, herring, sardines, beets, chickpeas, sliced peaches, apricots, string-beans, mustard greens, red beans, Spam, corned beef hash, pink salmon, tuna, clam juice, chicken broth, tomato sauce, lobster pieces, mushrooms, pineapple juice, orange juice concentrate, baby corn, jalapeno peppers, refried beans, artichoke hearts, white potatoes, and Beef-a-Roni, which is a macaroni and beef dish native to Italy. Cigarettes and porn will also help you through the lonely nights, or if you’re afraid of committing Onan’s sin, you might pick up a Russian lady or gentleman from one of those internet sites or catalogues. Twine is also good, because, you never know.
Step 03
Survive and live on to build a new society on the ruins of the old.
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