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Writing from our regular staff writers.

Volume 456-BR8: Issue 04: Mapril 2007

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Axes & Alleys:
Winners of the Waukeegan Clambake!

As you’ve no doubt been aware since grade school, February is National Grapefruit Month. What you may not know is that every day in the Axes & Alleys offices begins with a grapefruit and prayer breakfast. DJ Trickyfingers from the Creative Department is in charge of procuring and preparing the grapefruit, and he does such a good job.

We then sit around the table, each with a half of grapefruit, and sprinkle Sweet & Low on top. It leaves such a wonderful aftertaste. You wouldn’t believe it unless you tried it. We each have our own way of eating the grapefruit. Angus Lopez, our office manager, takes the simple route by mashing the grapefruit directly into his face. It’s messy, but it gets the job done.

Finally we all stand up and hold hands for our daily prayer, led by photographer Bernard Roosten. He usually keeps it brief, although one time he recited a prayer for over a half hour in which he gave thanks for each pair of shoes he’d ever owned.

So, this issue we offer our thankful prayers for the mild winter so that come summer, there will be plenty of juicy, delicious grapefruit for us to eat.

xxx ooo

Delores R. Grunion
Editor-In-Chief

Pentember Cover-Girl Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore is the first Axes & Alleys
cover-girl to ever give a member of the editorial
staff a high-five. Her name is an anagram of
“warm robe dryer.”

The Mapril Issue Online Premier

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An independent panel of Swedish truck driving instructors has declared that Axes & Alleys’ Mapril issue is the best one ever. They probably said this because it contains such wonderful contents as a Spaceship Built by Ants, a few interesting anecdotes about Jimmy the Leper, Katie Stalin’s trip to the Grand Canyon, Faith DaBrooke’s thoughts on procrastination, plus all your favorites like Montezuma, Classifieds and Stickers, Stickers, Stickers.

Download the best ever issue of Axes & Alleys today and feel free to ogle all of our previous issues in the archive.

Classifieds: Pentember 2007

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FOR SALE
One coupon entitling bearer to a free back rub. £5.00 or best offer. Backrub is from a Ukrainian. Employee Skaggs, Box 201.

FOR SALE
Seven ideas I had relating to Leprechauns and Leprechaun society. I did have a really interesting idea about drill bits used in Leprechaun industry, but that one’s not for sale. $10.00 for each idea. Includes certificate and Leprechaun idea placard. Jasonina, Room 4, Dalton House, Chasdael, SA1- YU4.

WANTED
Giant, solid chocolate animal for use in my exciting plan to depress global chocolate markets. Ernie Steven Bloomfield, Secret Cave #3.

FOR SALE
Three lorry loads of Size 01 standard metric paper clips. Free rabid badger included. £500.00. Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London SW1.

WANTED
Hats of the Tudor monarchs; Henry VII, Henry VIII, Edward IV, Mary the Catholic or Elizabeth I. Will pay top dollar or trade for raspberry flavored lip gloss. Hiem Yeat Gu, Box 8281.

FOR SALE
Pineapple upside down cake. It wasn’t supposed to be upside down and I don’t want it anymore. Kelly MacInnis, box 3482.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Master criminal needed to rob banks in Europe. Must have brown hair, enjoy scuba diving and drive in a car with a red, white and green flag on it. Contact Carmen, currently residing in a country that begins with the letter S.

WANTED
1/24 scale model of B-17 Super-fortress bomber. Must be fully assembled, Revell version from 1987- 1988, fully painted. Will pay up to seven dollars. Range Mitke, Calgary, CC.

FOR SALE
Pie server. Highly used, rusted through in several areas. Handle broken in several places, loosely held together with scotch tape. $73.00 or best offer. Alfonso, #402, Hepspring, MV.

FOR SALE
Diorama on my series of “Caddyshack” fan-fiction short stories. A must for any collector of seriously off-beat dioramas. Debbie R. Placling, 772-282-2821, call before 2 am.

FOR RENT
Glass mason jar. Contents include vinegar, salt, water, peppercorns, garlic and small cucumbers. Comes with label and screw-on top. $16 per week. Morton Feldman, corner of 8th St. and University Pl.

WANTED
Pair of corduroy panties. Corduroy must be on the inside. Mary Margaret, Beautiful Downtown Augusta, Georgia.

FOR SALE
Tired of rainy weather? We’ve got a slightly-used high pressure front waiting for a loving home. Comes with vinyl carrying case. Sam and Linda P. Chase, 771-325- 9696 extension 52.

SEEKING
Sexy brunette with curly hair and great flanks. Preference for tennis balls preferred. Must be Springer Spaniel. No other type of spaniel wanted. Especially not Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. eleanor@yahoo.com

POSITION AVAILABLE
Albanian accountant needed to hit bread with a hammer. Two hammers on Tuesdays. We call it “Two Hammer Tuesdays.” $5.80 an hour, plus access to water fountain. Wally’s Weasel World, Winter, WL.

FOR SALE
Gas-powered carrot peeler for $7.99. Optional aluminum peel bowl available for an additional $53.99. Martina Combine, Left Mule, PL.

WANTED
Friends to whom I can tell humorous anecdotes at my next salon. Also some experiences to tell those friends about. And, also, a home in which to hold my salon. Will pay •235. Please include a definition of a salon. Harvey Mulcahy at The Ranch Bar & Grill, table 15.

FOR SALE
Red velvet pool table. Fifteen 5 balls included. Tony Calabash, box 3