An Interview with Rivers Cuomo

with Substitute Interviewer Tim Wright,
Sitting in for Regular Interviewer Timothy Wright (No Relation)

Rivers Cuomo

Weezer front-man Rivers Cuomo bears an eerily uncanny resemblance to Peter Parker, who is also known as Catwoman.

Just recently, I purchased the latest Assortment of Lackluster But Ubiquitous Music (ALBUM) by prominent rock & roll quartet Weezer, entitled Make Believe. I was highly disappointed by this CD’s general lack of musical quality, and it got me to thinking…what happened to the Weezer of yesteryear? The Weezer that delighted us with quirky acoustic ballads and whimsical rock concoctions? The Weezer that lit up the stage with soaring harmonies and awkward, geeky soliloquies? The Weezer that made us smile by taking home the gold for the US in the 2006 Winter Olympics Four-Man Bobsleigh and Short Track Speed Skating relay competitions? I missed the kind of music that I was used to hearing from Weezer’s first two albums, so I decided to track down lead singer and principal songwriter Rivers Cuomo and have a nice fireside chat with him to find out his perspective on the band’s musical development over the years.

I invited Rivers to what he thought was an interview for popular regional teen magazine Montsylvania Rox U!, a normally peppy and upbeat periodical that had just been the subject of severe government criticism due to the questionable employment practices of its X-treme Financial Services and Retirement! subdivision. Despite its recent troubles, however, I knew that Rivers still respected the magazine for its in-depth coverage of the Chef Boyardee spaghetti rebellion (and the ensuing processed noodle famine of 1998, which claimed over 170,000 lives in New Jersey alone), so I was sure that he would accept the invitation to sit down with me for a while.

However, when he arrived at our studio it became clear to him that he was going to be dealing with the uncompromising and nononsense reporting of this fine publication instead (one of the top three tractor repair and maintenance digests in the upper-Midwest tricounty area). He became slightly nervous, so I pulled up a chair for the both of us and offered him something to drink. Thus our interview began.

Me: Hi Rivers, would you like some coffee?

Rivers: Um, sure. Who are you?

Me: My name is Tim, but it’s only important that you know me as a somewhat disenchanted Weezer fan.

Rivers: Why do you say that?

Me: Well, I really liked Weezer’s early music, but these last few albums have just been…how can I say it…lamentable. What’s the deal, Rivers?

Rivers: I know, I know. Look, everybody loved our first two albums so much, and we were so busy touring, and…okay. This isn’t easy for me to say, but…

Me: You can feel safe here, Rivers. Have some more coffee!

Rivers: Okay. I haven’t told anyone this before, but something’s been happening to me these past few years when I try to write songs. I sit down, I pick up my pencil… and then Carlo starts screaming.

Me: Who?

Rivers: Carlo… My Sherpa manservant. He…he’s writing all of our songs now.

Me: What!? Your manservant? What are you talking about?

Rivers: I met him on the Pinkerton tour. We’re soul mates, you know. We do everything together. I can’t imagine my life without him.

Me: Let me get this straight. Your Sherpa manservant Carlo…is writing Weezer songs?

Rivers: Yeah, since The Green Album. He won’t let me write what I want to anymore. Every time I’m in the middle of coming up with an idea, he just starts yelling until I let him do everything his way. I still love him, though.

Me: You’ve gotta be kidding me.

Rivers: No, it’s true. Hey…this coffee tastes a little weir…

Me: …alright, now I really don’t regret what I just did to you.

Rivers: …what…what do you mean?

Me: That’s it? That’s your excuse for Weezer’s fall from grace? I can’t believe it. I don’t know what to say. I just don’t know what to say, Rivers. Other than this…

Rivers: …okay man, I wanna get out of he…

Me: I put three sugar in your coffee, you son of a bitch!

Rivers: … …

Thus our interview ended. I never found if Rivers was really telling the truth about Weezer’s musical decline or not, but he did drop his glasses as he ran out and I’m keeping them.

Interview with a Lemming

by Dave McNally


Mr. McNally orders books three at a time from the local book store in order to get the special discount. He enjoys a steady blend of British trip hop music and bluegrass. Once he enjoyed a peanut.

For years the lemming has been an underappreciated creature. Unfairly maligned as suicidal, small and furry, the lemming’s reputation has suffered through the years. These animals are actually some of the sturdiest in nature, able to survive throughout the arctic winter unscathed and to outwit foxes and predatory birds quite easily. Axes & Alleys took the opportunity to speak with a lemming this month to find out exactly what it is that makes them tick.

Axes & Alleys: So, lemming, tell me a little bit about yourself.

Lemming: Well, it’s a full life. Foraging, running, smelling, nesting. I especially like the tunneling.

A&A: Do people ever confuse you, a lemming, with a lemur?

Lemming: A what?

A&A: A lemur. You know, furry little critters similar to yourselves?

Lemming: Critter? Similar? To us? Lemmings are a quite singular animal, sir!

A&A: Okay, then, what other kinds of animals do lemmings talk to?

Lemming: It’s actually impossible for us to communicate with most other animals. Very few animals speak English. Donkeys speak Flemish and armadillos know Urdu fluently. Lemmings speak English and the only other animal that I know of beside humans that speaks English is the katydid.

A&A: I must admit I’ve never heard a katydid speaking English.

Lemming: Well, of course not. Not with that imperfect hearing you people have. You just hear some clicking and buzzing. Katydids do speak English. It’s just too high-pitched for you to hear. They’ve got some very interesting things to say about physics.

A&A: They have a concept of physics?
Continue reading

An Exclusive Interview with TV and Film Star Mary-Kate or Ashley Olsen (We’re not exactly sure which one)

Recently, I took the opportunity to have a discussion with actress Mary Kate, or perhaps actress Ashley, Olsen. Stars of Full House, New York Minute and The Olsen Twins Ride Again, the twins have become major celebrities; stalked by the paparazzi, seen on countless shows and interviewed by countless publications. Hence, I decided that my interview was going to be different. Here we are going to strip away the layers of media creation and look into the soul of a real person struggling with real problems. Of course, I’m still not exactly sure which Olsen twin it was, but I think we all gained some valuable insight into this woman’s soul. Continue reading

A Special Interview with the King of Norway!

by Air Marshall Sir William Douglas Hayes’…

…neighbor Tim.

Air Marshall Sir William Douglas Hayes

His Royal Majesty, King Hladir VI of the House of Uum

King Hladir of Norway ascended to the throne of Norway in 1978 and has since been a very fair and popular monarch; not the sort of mad, drunken, obese partying, fornicating monarch you expect to rule in, say, England. The other day I sat down with Hladir at the local Starbucks for a couple of delicious Superchococinoes and had a pretty good talk with him. He’s a really cool guy and I like him a lot.

TIM: So, how’s it going?

HLADIR: Hvorfor?

TIM: I said, how’s it going?

HLADIR: Angre på, ne prate English.

TIM: What?

HLADIR: Just kidding, I speak perfect English. After all, I am Head of State of a major Scandinavian nation.

TIM: Oh, that’s pretty good there, Hladir.

HLADIR: Please refer to me as Your Royal Norwegian Majesty.

TIM: Sorry, Y. R. N. M., so what’s-

HLADIR: Don’t abbreviate it, say the whole thing: Your Royal Norwegian Majesty.

TIM: No.

HLADIR: Masovnarbeider!

After that Hladir stormed out, but I think the experience was good and I had fun. Norway is cool!

Tim is currently a sophomore at East Falls Community College, where he hopes to earn his Associates Degree in Travel Agent Technologies.