While it is often easy for anthropomorphic mice to find a dwelling within the walls of a human house, there can be difficulty for these creatures in obtaining furnishings for their new home. Surprisingly, human artifacts of appropriate size make the best furnishings.

Need somewhere to rest after a long day of cheese-gathering activities? A lovely and comfortable bed can be easily made from a sardine or anchovy tin. Make sure the key and lid are still attached though, so you can simply roll the cover back over yourself when you retire. This should basically approximate a bed with covers. You may also wish to have a dresser or chest of draws in the bedroom area. Empty match boxes, when stacked, make an excellent dresser for all your storage needs.

The living room area can also be easily decorated in this fashion. Spools of thread make absolutely wonderful chairs. Postage stamps are a great substitute for hung pictures on the wall. They’re just the right size for mice.

As for the kitchen, don’t worry as you shan’t need a kitchen. The human kitchen will provide you with all the cheese you need. Although beware that there is probably also an anthropomorphic cat guarding the humans’ abode. Don’t worry though, such cats are easily outsmarted in many comical ways, assuring you a plentiful supply of cheese.

Good luck with your new home, little mice.

K. Rodney Tripps is one of the world’s foremost songwriters and musicians,
having appeared with the John Cullen Band, Dendrite, John Kuiper and the Objects
and recording artist Drip, among others. Roddy, as he’s known to friends, is based
in Odenkirk, EL and wrote many of the last decade’s pop sensations, including
Kronos Lives, Automobile, The Sock Song, and Pylons.

The key to any well-crafted music hit is a title derived from the lyrics in the chorus, so we’ll start there. Your title should be ambiguous and should be no longer than two words. It’s best to use one noun. So, you’ve thought of one noun? Good. I’m working with “shellfish.”

Song Title: Shellfish

Okay, we’re on the right track! Now, the verses need have no relation to the chorus, so we can forget our song title and create them. The first verse should express disdain, be ironic and somewhat sexual. Try something like this.

Leave me, I’m your chain
But you love me, I’m your stain
Betting, on a frog
But you can’t win, you have bad luck

Now, for fun, you can make up a second verse to follow the first chorus that bears no relation to the first verse, even its style. Make sure you keep talking to “someone,” though, as this is very important to the genre. Something like this:

I tried to mow the long grass
But you work hard at a mega-Mall-Mart
But you work at a mega-Mall-Mart
Passing flyers at a door automatic
Welcome here
Welcome here
Welcome here

Great, we’ve got the second verse all worked out. See how cleverly we denigrated that someone in the third line? Superb. Now we can make another verse like the first. Remember, ironic and sexual.

Forward, in reverse
Tacit, turn loudly
Clean lymph, open sores
But I love you, putrid bitch

Continue reading →

Once upon a time:

Much like Cuba, Russia once had a Communist government. It wasn’t called Russia then, or even the Empire of All the Russias. It was called the Union of Soviet Socialist Republics or The Evil Empire.

New Zealand had a First Past the Post electoral system.

Pan-American was an airline.

The IRA were terrorists.

The Czech Republic and Slovakia were united into one nation. It was called Czechoslovakia.

Coffee shops didn’t have a menu, they had coffee, espresso, cappuccino and that “au lait” stuff.

Computer data, movies and musical recordings were stored on magnetized tapes.

Punk music apparently didn’t sound polished.

There were once only three television stations. In order to change between the stations a person had to actually get up and turn a knob, yes a knob, on the television set.

UFO sightings were much more common.

Eritrea was once forced to exist under the tyranny of Ethiopia.

There were only 26 amendments to the U.S. Constitution.

The internet as we know it was not around, although there were such things as Usenet and games involving M.U.D. Back then all electronic communications were voice or text-only.

“Paper or plastic” was a much bigger deal.

There was no Democratic Republic of the Congo. It was called Zaire.

Bombs only relied on gravity and planes looked like planes on radar, not sparrows.

When people wanted to listen to a piece of music they would go to a store and purchase a recording of the album.

There was the idea for a space shuttle regularly visiting a vibrant and active space station.

Back in the day there was a well-known Edvard Munch painting called “The Scream.”

Letters were written on paper, placed in an envelope upon which was affixed postage and then mailed.

The tallest buildings in New York were the 110 storey tall World Trade Center Towers, often called The Twin Towers.

AIDS was known as GRID.

Movies were once available on a format called Laser Disc. Even stranger, music was available on things called “minidiscs.”

It was called Burma.

People enjoyed films which utilized special optical effects and camera tricks to create fantastic illusions.

When you wanted to go from New York to Paris in only a couple of hours you would hop on the super-sonic transport plane called The Concorde.

Telephones were actually attached to the wall using a primitive cord and there were no buttons, just a dial.

Students could bring butter knives to school without getting expelled or arrested.

Cartoons used to involve two dimensional figures painted onto sheets of celluloid. Some were even animated in the United States.

There once was a body of water in Asia known as the Aral Sea.

David Bowie often wore more interesting things than a hoodie under a blazer.