News of the World: The Ants’ Spaceship

ant spaceship

If ants built space ships most people assume they wouldn’t be very big because ants are quite small. Formic spaceships wouldn’t be as tiny as many assume, though, because ant colonies can get to be pretty large, covering acres of land to depths of several feet. Still, a spaceship built by a colony of ants wouldn’t be terribly huge.

The traditional image of ants created through science media is usually one of strife involving raids, slavery, and death. What if the space race brought the colonies together? I like to imagine that a space program would bring the entire race of ants together in a type of social insect utopia. In that case they would need a bigger ship.

A natural design for such a ship would be the shape of an ant itself, stylized of course to avoid infringing on the sensibilities of any species. From antennae to the end of the abdomen it would measure perhaps 12.7 kilometers long. The widest diameter of the ship would be across the abdomen, at around 6.1 kilometers.

The internal superstructure of the abdomen, legs, thorax, and head are to consist of enclosures which can be adjusted to the direction of thrust, providing a simulation of gravity. When the ship is in free-fall, the carpeted hallways will provide gripping points for the ants.

Propulsion comes through a hydrogen-fueled Bussard ramjet. The long, protruding antennae of the ship and the mandibles located at the front of the head are to produce the field for the craft’s ramjet. Interstellar hydrogen is to be guided through the mandibles and into the mouth, through the central fusion mass conduit modeled on an ant’s gut, and finally into the six fusion propulsion systems located at the tip of each of the leg structures. The fusion system will then provide thrust and power for the ship.

Biomass for the ants’ consumption would be located throughout the abdomen. Special fungus and aphid farms will be installed towards the front of this section for those species who require them. Otherwise the storage facilities will contain vegetable matter.

The thorax of the ship would contain gigantic environmental systems to handle the air and water needs of the ant colonies. The air processors will use oxygen and nitrogen generated by the biomass in the abdomen to supply the vast majority of atmosphere for the rest of the ship, while secondary storage and generation equipment remains on permanent stand-by in case of emergency. Since ants get most of their water from food, the water reclamation system required is much simpler as it is mostly there for the benefit of the biomass.

The filtration and recycling system is to be connected to the biomass storage facility through an open circulation system, constantly cycling water from the abdomen to the processing equipment and back. Connected to the fusion power plant at the rear of the abdomen through a set of tracheae, electrical distribution can be efficiently routed throughout the ship without sacrificing living or storage space. It can then be used as a secondary source for heating due to its proximity to the heating system.

The heating system will rely both on electricity coming from the fusion plant and the warmth from the moist, hot air created by the decomposition of vegetable matter in the fungus farms. After reaching the distribution junction, this air is then passed through the environmental system to extract its moisture, whence it passes to all points beyond.

Living space for the individual colonies will be located in the remaining areas of the abdomen. The fore section of the abdomen will feature environments dedicated mainly to those species residing in tropical and desert biomes, as these decks are closest to the heat distribution system. The top-most section will contain species from dry temperate locations, while the aft decks will contain species from wet temperate locations and those from cold or sub-arctic regions. Colonies residing near the engineering centers of the thorax will be those from environmental regions representing an extreme mix of temperatures and moistures.

The ship’s head is, naturally, to be the command and control centre. The lower portion will ensconce the main computer and auxiliary control systems (such as the Bussard field adjustment computer and environmental control). The upper portion, complete with multi-faceted view screens and other sensors built into the eyes, is the Bridge, which will be staffed by specially grown controller and navigator drones.

Astrogation and propulsion would be controlled directly from the Bridge. At the same time, command officer drones can issue orders to their various colonies through pheromone disseminating pneumatic tubes specific to each species. The pneumatic system carries a control pheromone to the appropriate colony located in the abdomen. From there a pheromone disbursement officer carries the message throughout the colony.

Colony Queens would spend the majority of their time at the Queen’s Deck, located in the bottom aft section of the abdomen, directly above the main docking bay. Most eggs will be kept in the temperature controlled storage decks, while some will be carried directly to the docking bay for placement on the landing pods used for colonizing suitable planets. The single airlock located in the extreme aft section allows for launching colonization pods, as well as for the jettisoning of trash and waste.

As you can see, a multi-species advanced interstellar craft for ants is a feasible idea for the most part. There are some problems surrounding ant cognition, manufacturing methods, and economic systems, but these can be overcome in time. Remember that Mankind took only six decades to advance from flight to space travel, and that ants have already been flying for millions of years.

After coming along with me on this beautiful journey into the possible, don’t you also think it would be wonderful for ants to reach for the stars, come together in filial admiration, and build a fancy, ant-shaped spaceship? I thought you would.

Volume 456-BR8: Issue 04: Mapril 2007

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Axes & Alleys:
Winners of the Waukeegan Clambake!

As you’ve no doubt been aware since grade school, February is National Grapefruit Month. What you may not know is that every day in the Axes & Alleys offices begins with a grapefruit and prayer breakfast. DJ Trickyfingers from the Creative Department is in charge of procuring and preparing the grapefruit, and he does such a good job.

We then sit around the table, each with a half of grapefruit, and sprinkle Sweet & Low on top. It leaves such a wonderful aftertaste. You wouldn’t believe it unless you tried it. We each have our own way of eating the grapefruit. Angus Lopez, our office manager, takes the simple route by mashing the grapefruit directly into his face. It’s messy, but it gets the job done.

Finally we all stand up and hold hands for our daily prayer, led by photographer Bernard Roosten. He usually keeps it brief, although one time he recited a prayer for over a half hour in which he gave thanks for each pair of shoes he’d ever owned.

So, this issue we offer our thankful prayers for the mild winter so that come summer, there will be plenty of juicy, delicious grapefruit for us to eat.

xxx ooo

Delores R. Grunion
Editor-In-Chief

Pentember Cover-Girl Drew Barrymore

Drew Barrymore is the first Axes & Alleys
cover-girl to ever give a member of the editorial
staff a high-five. Her name is an anagram of
“warm robe dryer.”

The Mapril Issue Online Premier

An independent panel of Swedish truck driving instructors has declared that Axes & Alleys’ Mapril issue is the best one ever. They probably said this because it contains such wonderful contents as a Spaceship Built by Ants, a few interesting anecdotes about Jimmy the Leper, Katie Stalin’s trip to the Grand Canyon, Faith DaBrooke’s thoughts on procrastination, plus all your favorites like Montezuma, Classifieds and Stickers, Stickers, Stickers.

Download the best ever issue of Axes & Alleys today and feel free to ogle all of our previous issues in the archive.

Classifieds: Pentember 2007

FOR SALE
One coupon entitling bearer to a free back rub. £5.00 or best offer. Backrub is from a Ukrainian. Employee Skaggs, Box 201.

FOR SALE
Seven ideas I had relating to Leprechauns and Leprechaun society. I did have a really interesting idea about drill bits used in Leprechaun industry, but that one’s not for sale. $10.00 for each idea. Includes certificate and Leprechaun idea placard. Jasonina, Room 4, Dalton House, Chasdael, SA1- YU4.

WANTED
Giant, solid chocolate animal for use in my exciting plan to depress global chocolate markets. Ernie Steven Bloomfield, Secret Cave #3.

FOR SALE
Three lorry loads of Size 01 standard metric paper clips. Free rabid badger included. £500.00. Tony Blair, 10 Downing Street, London SW1.

WANTED
Hats of the Tudor monarchs; Henry VII, Henry VIII, Edward IV, Mary the Catholic or Elizabeth I. Will pay top dollar or trade for raspberry flavored lip gloss. Hiem Yeat Gu, Box 8281.

FOR SALE
Pineapple upside down cake. It wasn’t supposed to be upside down and I don’t want it anymore. Kelly MacInnis, box 3482.

POSITION AVAILABLE
Master criminal needed to rob banks in Europe. Must have brown hair, enjoy scuba diving and drive in a car with a red, white and green flag on it. Contact Carmen, currently residing in a country that begins with the letter S.

WANTED
1/24 scale model of B-17 Super-fortress bomber. Must be fully assembled, Revell version from 1987- 1988, fully painted. Will pay up to seven dollars. Range Mitke, Calgary, CC.

FOR SALE
Pie server. Highly used, rusted through in several areas. Handle broken in several places, loosely held together with scotch tape. $73.00 or best offer. Alfonso, #402, Hepspring, MV.

FOR SALE
Diorama on my series of “Caddyshack” fan-fiction short stories. A must for any collector of seriously off-beat dioramas. Debbie R. Placling, 772-282-2821, call before 2 am.

FOR RENT
Glass mason jar. Contents include vinegar, salt, water, peppercorns, garlic and small cucumbers. Comes with label and screw-on top. $16 per week. Morton Feldman, corner of 8th St. and University Pl.

WANTED
Pair of corduroy panties. Corduroy must be on the inside. Mary Margaret, Beautiful Downtown Augusta, Georgia.

FOR SALE
Tired of rainy weather? We’ve got a slightly-used high pressure front waiting for a loving home. Comes with vinyl carrying case. Sam and Linda P. Chase, 771-325- 9696 extension 52.

SEEKING
Sexy brunette with curly hair and great flanks. Preference for tennis balls preferred. Must be Springer Spaniel. No other type of spaniel wanted. Especially not Cavalier King Charles Spaniels. eleanor@yahoo.com

POSITION AVAILABLE
Albanian accountant needed to hit bread with a hammer. Two hammers on Tuesdays. We call it “Two Hammer Tuesdays.” $5.80 an hour, plus access to water fountain. Wally’s Weasel World, Winter, WL.

FOR SALE
Gas-powered carrot peeler for $7.99. Optional aluminum peel bowl available for an additional $53.99. Martina Combine, Left Mule, PL.

WANTED
Friends to whom I can tell humorous anecdotes at my next salon. Also some experiences to tell those friends about. And, also, a home in which to hold my salon. Will pay •235. Please include a definition of a salon. Harvey Mulcahy at The Ranch Bar & Grill, table 15.

FOR SALE
Red velvet pool table. Fifteen 5 balls included. Tony Calabash, box 3