Written Correspondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof
To Whom It May Concern,
I would like a job in either your production department or your chemical reclamation department. I am strong, smart, handsome, and virile. You may think these last two traits don’t really help all that much when it comes to reclaiming spent chemicals or producing a magazine, but I’ll let you in on a little secret: you’re probably not as handsome or virile as I am, so how would you know?
Ralph Fiennes
Franklin, TN
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Could you please print my letter asking my girlfriend to marry me? It was the most romantic thing I could think of. I hope she says yes.
Freddie McSwirley
Boston, MA
Dear Editors,
I loved your article on the number seventeen (Seventeen: A Brief History, Volume 456-BR8, Issue 02)! The best part was the bit with all the flags at the bottom, including that of my own homeland of Esperia. I’ve missed it so much since I moved to the United States, and it’s so rare that you see Esperian things in this country. Longa vivi Axes & Alleys.
Shovelilo Teni
Detroit, MI
Axes & Alleys,
The recent influx of Esperian terrorists to this nation is incredibly disturbing. It is my understanding that your publication is quite popular amongst them. Please be a true patriot and tell these readers of yours to go home.
Allison “The Admiral” Pfeffer
Bremen, Germany
Hey Editors,
What’s with Illinois, porn and astrology?
Eliza Rohr
Chicago, IL
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Did you know a really good way to use your magazine is as kindling for the fire used in the final step of making buckskin leather? It may seem highly unbelievable, but it’s true. I usually buy two copies, one for reading and one for putting in the bottom of the fire pit before I start the smoking process. It makes a nice, amber or yellowbrown patina on the skin, makes it incredibly pliable, and best of all is that perfuming agent you use in your dyes. No one knows my secret ingredient, so I’m selling an awful lot of moccasins, coats, and chaps. Thanks you guys!
Mark Frauenfelder
Los Angeles, CA
Dear Axes & Alleys,
We deeply regret the incident of last summer. Our inaction caused you and your neighbors outrageous inconvenience and serious discomfort during some of the hottest months of the year. The tepid response we first gave to the issue, as well as our disinformation campaign, did nothing to relieve you of the darkness, heat, and odoriferous conditions you experienced in your apartment for nine days. We are terribly sorry, and if there’s anything we can do to make it up to you, please let us know.
Kevin Burke
Chairman, President, and Chief Executive Officer,
Consolidated Edison
New York, NY
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Why have there been at most two references to Showtime Networks’ The L Word in your magazine? That’s hardly enough. You’ve mentioned Leisha Halley, of course, and I can’t but think that your article devoted to fire safety (Fire Safety Tips for the Home, Volume 456-BR7, Issue 18) was an allegory for the death of Dana in the third season. That’s it, though. No references to important main characters like Shane or Bette, no mention of backgrounders like Lara (she’s a hottie), or that transgender Max. I expect more The L Word references and fewer references to things like Blake’s 7 or the 12th season of The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson. I’ve certainly had enough of your theological diatribes.
Ilene Chaiken
West Hollywood, CA
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Why is it that the serious, professional architects always make fun on my designs for my the skyscraper I want to build. It’s call “The Chicago” and is a million miles high and bright orange in color. They always tell me that there’s no material with the tensile strength to enable the construction of a million mile tall skyscraper. That’s so unfair.
Michael Forks
Thaddigan, PA
Dear Sirs,
In your article “Alamo or Bust” your historians say that David “Davey” Crocket died at the Alamo, killed in battle by Mexican solidiers. What a crock. Everyone who has studied geometry knows that such a death would be impossible. No, it seems much more likely that he was killed by two alligators named Clem and Morris. Morris ate the top half, but didn’t eat the hat. Alligators don’t eat hats.
Laura Burbank,
Talisman, GA
