Author Archives: Jeremy Rosen

A Quizzation of Historical Factuals

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How knowledgeable are you on the nature of events which have preceded the current state of world affairs? Attempt to answer the following queries and remember that it is not honorable to read the answers before first taking the test.

Napoleon Bonaparte

  1. Where did the Defenestration of Prague take place?
  2. When was the War of 1812 fought?
  3. How long did the Thirty Years War last?
  4. Where were the Nuremberg Trials held?
  5. For whom is the city of Stalingrad named?
  6. Between which two nations was the Russo-Japanese War fought?
  7. Where was the Treaty of Versailles (1919) signed?
  8. What was the capital of the Empire of Rome?
  9. Who declared the Papal Bull of Innocent III?
  10. Where was the Battle of Waterloo?

Click more for the answer key. NO CHEATING! Continue reading →

The Life of U.S. President Horace B. Borden (1811 – 1903)

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President Horace B. Borden

Not many Americans are familiar with President Horace B. Borden. You will find no monuments to him nestled upon the Potomac, nor does his face grace a postage stamp or piece of currency, but his wise policy and incorruptible tenacity of personal conviction led the Union through the troubling times of the Crisis of 1883 and through the harrowing times of the Turko-Bolivian War, a time when Ottoman excursions into Latin America threatened to undermine the Monroe Doctrine and spell peril for American economic interests in the region. Born in a rustic cabin on the shores of the Chapaqueedahadic River, which wound its way through the rich forests of the Appalachian foothills of the North West Territory, Horace Benjamin Borden was raised outside of what would eventually become the city of Peregrine, Montsylvania. Continue reading →

Lungfish by H.G. Peterson

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H.G. Peterson

H.G. Peterson is a lovely person endowed with many talents, among them the ability to use three swords simultaneously whilst dueling with noted German princes.

Sometimes on streets the rain collects into dark patches of mud and corrosive filth fit only for the consumption of a few lesser-known spirochetes, all of whom are a bit low down on the pecking order, for spirochetes that is. Now, in these little splotches trod thousands of feet daily, and only about seventy or so of those are attached to brains that think at all about how the feet they are attached to disrupt the lives of spirochetes. Two of these feet belonged to Thalmudge.

As a small child he had thought often about the ants and microbes who feared his feet as the harbingers of destruction. These creatures lost everything to a foot or to a sneeze and had entire worlds devastated in the common game of kickball. Thalmudge never felt exactly sorry for the ants, he simply noticed their destruction. Sometimes a pile of dead ants slightly amused him. Throughout his childhood, and even into college, he had spent many a summer’s afternoon playing vengeful god to a pile of fire ants. When he was young he used water, sticks and shoes, and as he grew older he began using more advanced implements of destruction such as fireworks, shotguns and high powered rifles fired at close range. Continue reading →

Written Correspondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof

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Dear Sirs, Madam and other Sirs,
I am writing to you in order to secure more photographic pictorializations of Dave.
On page 18 of “Axes and Alleys” issue 17, you feature a collectible visual reference square of Dave. We in our family have grown quite accustomed to our photograph of Mr. Davey (as we call him). We bring him with us to the talking pictures, have him around at supper time and leave him to his private time in the mornings. We believe he performs relaxing meditations based upon Oriental philosophical concepts, but are unsure. Continue reading →

INVASION REVEALED AS HOAX!

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Reports of Outbreak of War Between Worlds of Earth and Mars Just An Elaborate Radio Show Claim Mercury Theater Producers
Orson WellesOmar BradleyAlvin the Martian
Above (from left): Orson Welles, instigator of the hoax; General Bradley, did not invade Mars; Alvin the Martian, Ambassador to the Earth

California– Representatives of the Mercury Theatre Company, including producer Orson Welles, met with the Los Angeles District Attorney this morning, to reveal to the world, once and for all, that their reports of actual battle between between Earthlings and Martians were nothing more than an elaborately conceived hoax, designed to create chaos and disorder in order to allow for a Communist overthrow of the Roosevelt Administration and the creation of a Union of American Socialist Republics (UASR). Aired last night between the hours of 9 pm and 1 am, the illicit broadcast feigned an interruption of normal radio shows for the announcement of the outbreak of interplanetary war.

rioters
Rioters, confused by the Hoax, destroy Cleveland.
Ill-Educated Public
Members of the Ill-Educated Public are easily duped.

At 9:53, Eastern Standard Time, Orson Welles, masquerading as a radio announcer, reported that advanced units of the United States Army, including the 101st Airborne Division and the 4th Cavalry Division had landed near Tharsis and established a beachhead after preliminary bombing of the entire Olympus Mons region. Welles insisted that the invasion army, under the command of General Omar Bradley, had experienced little resistance and was beginning to move in toward the Martian Capital City.

When reached for comment, General Bradley insisted that neither he nor any soldiers under his command had traveled to Mars, nor were they involved in any invasion. Alvin, the Martian ambassador to Earth, was quoted earlier by reporters. “Oooh,” he stated, “this broadcast makes me unhappy. I hope that this anti-Martian action will not affect relations between our normally friendly worlds. The Mars-Earth relationship is very important to my people, especially with regard to our joint projects concerning the development of Uranium Pew-36 Explosive Space Modulator technologies.”

The broadcasts caused great clamor on both Earth and Mars, resulting in riots and disturbances as many citizens took the news of war at face value and panicked. The resulting riots and chaos completely destroyed the city of Cleveland, which is now a smoldering ruin. While Welles and his colleagues claimed the report was merely an Halloween entertainment, and that rumors of its use as a Communist Revolutionary weapon are unfounded, authorities were quick to arrest the operators of the Mercury Theatre Troop, all of whom have been transported to FBI headquarters for interrogation.

Meanwhile, all civilian broadcasting has been indefinitely suspended and the authorities ask that citizens remain behind locked doors, hoarding supplies until the Communist agitators can be located and exterminated.