Our Guide to Novenclature: Part I

Illuminated Novenclature

radgerbadger, alt. radgerbadgery: (N): a continuous and boisterous bustle.

novenclature: (N) a collection of new or novel words.

centraenious: (adj.) of or about, pertaining to the meaning of life.

infaction: (N) the act or state of being the first to accomplish an insignificant task or deed.

infact: (V) to accomplish a task of a minor nature in the primal fashion within a particularly defined set.

Conjugation: I did infaect. I am infacta. I will infact. He infaect. He is infacto. He will infact. They infaect. They are infaecti. The will infact.

deulapainry: (N) of, about, or pertaining to sandwiches.

Xenosprimt: (N) An unknowable and uninvolved, mathematically minded creator of a cosmos, who takes no personal interest in the lives or feelings of the sentient beings or other entities which inhabit said cosmos. The “God” spoken of by a person who upholds the Deist philosophy.

parapheme: (V; reg.) the act of uttering a blasphemous expletive, the antecedent of which is rooted in a religion which the utterer does not follow.

bellamure: (V; reg.) the act of punching a hole through a wall.

bellamurequence: (N) a hole which has been punched through a wall.

crattera: (N) the sound of hot water running through radiator pipes in the early hours of the morning in an otherwise still abode.

enimachic: (adj.) having a speech pattern which resembles the sound of a locomotive engine.

chronocator: (N) one who must, by compulsatory motivation, continually check the time.

sonuate: (N) the sound resulting from the opening of a carbonated beverage.

palloralate: (V; reg.) to purse one’s lips whilst reading.

glutambulate: (V; reg.) to arrange one’s gluttal area so as to emit flatulence inconspicuously.

elapquipitory: (adj.) in the manner of baseless choosiness between two or more similar beverages.

flumpor: (N) the sound of smoking a cigarette.

flumpar: (V) to make obvious sounds while smoking a cigarette.
Conjugation: I flumparr. I am flump. I will flumpar. He flumparr. He is flump. He will flumpar. They flumparri. They are flumper. They will flumpar.

orninathix: (N) a specious or inane debate.

labeola: (V; reg.) the licking of a nipple in a sexual fashion.

aureolate: (V; reg.) the licking of a nipple in a non-sexual fashion.

macrofactor: (N) a person working in a menial capacity who attributes undue importance to themselves.

exoburban: (adj.) the portion of a territory on the periphery between urban and suburban, or between suburban and rural areas.

prophemism: (N) an expletive meaning exactly what it says. The antonym of euphemism.

aroundtothrough: (prep.) indicating a going around, to, and through something in a linear fashion.

capracious: (adj.) in a goatlike manner.

shoe: (V; reg.) to stick a finger in one’s own eye and scream.

sonambumate: (V; reg.) to fornicate while sleepwalking.

vestitry: (N) that which is related to the manufacture of vests or vest related material.

morpheavoiture: (N) a car which appears in a dream.

cannisaleatorornamentum: (N) a picture of dogs playing poker.

Entertainments for Learned Gentlemen

A Philosophical Discourse
By Ludwig “Red” Sampers

Red Sampers

Position: Third Base
Career Average: .248
RBI: 125
HR: 27
YKFFPL: 0.
1901-1903 Poughkeepsie Pirates
1903-1908 Norfolk Mariners
1909-1919 Staten Island Jackhawks
1920-1922 Salt Lake City Plaid Stockings

Now, a funny thing about the Universe, is that within it there are many separate entities which in themselves function as entities, and that when extrapolated become no more a part of themselves than a part of the whole. Well now, that didn’t make any sense. Okay, you see, the Universe, is composed of five elements, or entities, not to be confused with the dimensions, of which there are twenty six , or possible ten, or maybe five, something along those lines, I’m not entirely sure. Wait, I’m diverging a bit. Okay, five elements, and these are matter, energy, time, space and entropy. Now, I know you’re saying that time doesn’t exist. Well, it doesn’t, except below the fourth dimension, but anyway, time of course is a figment of the imagination and exists only in the minds of the lower creatures as a means of perceiving the flow of entropy. So, nix on time then, so there are really four elements, matter, energy, space and entropy.

Now, space is also a bit of a problem, because as we all know that the Universe can be condensed into a singularity, at which point space would be compacted into a non-spatial dimension, the zero dimension, or a singularity, you know, a point with no dimensions. Now, if you expand the Universe from a non dimension point it grows to fill said area, however the very essence of space was compacted within the singularity, so what then does the Universe expand into? Nothing. Therefore, space is nothing, and cannot exist.

So, we have three elements left, matter, energy, and entropy. Now, without a space to exist within, matter and energy cannot exist, which means we are left with only one part, which is entropy. And, since entropy is the change and motion of matter and energy, it cannot exist, since neither matter nor energy exist, since they don’t have anywhere to be. Where does that leave us then? The Universe has no elements, since time, space, matter, energy, and entropy cannot exist logically. Hence, since the Universe has no elements, then it has no existence. Therefore, young students, if you wish to know the nature of the Universe, then here is your answer: nothing. The Universe doesn’t exist, can’t exist, and has never existed.

vests

A Specialized Editorial by an Automatonal Conquistador

BY CENTURION; A CYLON

a cylon
This particular Centurion Cylon is very interested in 20th Century American politics.

I thought that I would make this about congress. old people always yell about how congress is bad, we have elections every year, so you can see how this affects our daily lives. I decided not to even mention that congress is not real because everone already knows that. Congressmen are fake just like elves, vumpires, and dinosaurs. But if you could be in Congress here are some of the perks.

First of all you get to PHILIBUSTER. For those who are stupid philibustering is when a senator will get up and talk for hours to keep a bill from getting voted on. The record is held by Strom Thurman for 24 hours. Now I do give this guy credit simce he is 645 years old, but all you could do was 24 hours?!

Let me in the senate. With coffee I could stay up forever. I could think of at least a year’s worth of stuff to talk about. And if you get stumped or out of ideas just say one word for a few days. Think about it, “No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No” for 72 hours. Bring on the No-Doze.

Second you get bribes. Lobyists pay you to vote a certain way. Money. Just get the maximum five thousand for the Row vs Wade bill and every other bill that’s voted on. Think about it you get five grand for voting yes on the dog leash laws in Hicktown, Idaho. If congress votes on a thousand laws a term thats 5,000,000 in your pocket. Totaly free. congress is cool!

Save 'n' Such

Greedo

Serious Putty

Our Guide to Accomplishment

How to Accomplish Noteworthy Things

Cancer
HOW TO CURE CANCER

  1. research
  2. confirm findings
  3. administer treatment to patients

Conquest
HOW TO CONQUER THE WORLD

  1. build up a massive military force
  2. properly supply said force
  3. Attack!
  4. accept terms of surrender

Galaxy
HOW TO COLONIZE THE GALAXY

  1. research various fields involved
  2. apply research to mission sent out
  3. accomplish mission
  4. repeat as necessary

Happy Life
HOW TO LEAD A FULL, HAPPY LIFE

  1. discover meaning of life
  2. abide thereby

The Life of Maimonides, Historical Hebrew

Scott Birdseye
Doctor of Theosophy Scott G. Birdseye is Director of the Department of Antiquities and Anachronisms at the Montsylvanian Institute of Science and Agriculture

The twelfth century saw Jewish people divided geographically, spiritually, and culturally, spread throughout the Middle East and Europe and caught in the midst of cultural clashes between the Christian and Muslim worlds.

Born into this strife, Moses Maimonides sought unification, both of the Jewish people and of the varying ideas which dominated philosophy and theology in his time. A renowned philosopher, doctor and theologian, Maimonides began his career with writings which sought to do away with the divisions within the Jewish theology and ideas about interpretations of the Mosaic Law, and later in life sought to reconcile the Biblical and Aristotelian constructs of the world.

In a time which saw the Jewish people surrounded by a myriad of hostile peoples and philosophies, Maimonides saw unification as the only way to ensure survival of the Jewish culture and religion. However, in a world dominated by Islam, the ideas, teachings, practices and culture of the Muslims played an important role in influencing the unique writings of Maimonides, the eminent Jewish scholar of the Middle Ages.

Moses Maimonides, although the most prominent, was only one in his family’s long line of scholars1. His father, Rabbi Maimon, studied and commented on The Law in Cordova, Spain, which was a center for both Jewish and Islamic learning. Moses Maimonides was born in Cordova in 1135, and at a young age, through his father, was exposed to the eminent philosophies of the day, as well as to many Jewish writings.

The invasion of the Almohades, a group of fanatical Muslims, into Spain in 1148 disrupted the early life of Maimonides, as they sought to tyrannically force all Jews under their control to accept the teachings of Muhammad or face death. Although many Jews publicly converted to Islam while privately continuing their Jewish faith, most chose to flee, and among them were Rabbi Maimon and his family, who, unwilling to accept either alternative offered by the Almohades, fled to Morocco, and later to Palestine. In Palestine, the Latin Kingdom of Jerusalem, which held a tenuous control over the region, was no more friendly to the Jews than were the Almohades, forcing Maimon to settle in Egypt.

In response to the forced conversions of Jews in the Maghreb, Maimonides composed the “Essay on the Sanctification of the Name of God,” in which he sought to reconcile Biblical condemnations of idolatry with the pragmatic need to publicly convert for survival.

This work, which provided a stark contrast from the traditional view of accepting martyrdom as the only solution, was extremely popular with Jews throughout the Maghreb and established Maimonides as an important new voice within Jewish thought.

Tampix

As his prominence grew within the Jewish community, so did his popularity with the Muslim rulers of Egypt. Maimonides became a court physician for one of the viziers of Saladin, and, as a leader of the Jewish community in Egypt, was well respected by both Jews and Muslims. Writing in Arabic, he began work perfecting the Jewish calendar system, and also contributed to the Talmud.

The most important of his early works were his defenses of the rabbinical view of The Law, which supported the Talmud as necessary to human understanding of Moses’ writings, and sought to doctrinally unify Judaism. With his background in medicine, Maimonides spoke of the rabbis as spiritual doctors, seeking to save the Jews from the disease of division and internal conflict.

By 1175, Maimonides was recognized as the sole secular ruler of the Jews in Egypt and as the greatest rabbinical authority in the world, as his ideas on the importance of the Talmud became accepted doctrine. His ultimate goal, however, was the unification of the Jewish people, and the strengthening of Jewish religion which would enable this to happen.

In his later writings Maimonides began his attempt to bridge reason and religion and to unify the Jewish philosophy with the Aristotelian sciences1. This desire is expressed fully in what is the most important of his later works, Guide for the Perplexed. The Guide, which is in the form of a letter to Maimonides’ student Joseph ben Judah, was written for the purpose of helping those who were devout Jewish followers of The Law, but also held Aristotle’s views, many of which contradict Biblical ideas.

Birds Hat WarehouseBork

Throughout the Guide, Maimonides discussed many different philosophical themes, including proofs of theism, the Problem of Evil, practical virtue, the authority of prophesy and of Mosaic Law, divine attributes and the relationship between morals and ethics. Written in Arabic, the lingua-franca of the region, the Guide was seen by Maimonides as the solution to every question of faith, thought and life which could be relevant to the Jewish people.

Maimonides however, was not the first to attempt reconciliation of Aristotelian philosophy with later theistic religious belief. He was aware of the earlier works involved in bringing together Aristotle and the Kalem (a grouping of early Christian proofs for theism which had been co-opted by later Muslim scholars as proofs of Islamic principles).

The influence of Muslim philosophers such as Ibn Bajjah, a commentator of Aristotle, and al-Farabi Ibn Sina, who spoke of philosophy and science as ways to use rational thought to show the truth of religious belief, can also be seen in the writings of Maimonides.

However, it was not the philosophy and religious ideas of the Muslims which had the most profound influence upon Maimonides, but rather, their political and cultural dominance of his world. In the Guide, Maimonides illustrated a correlation between earlier Egyptian slaver and the twelfth century oppression at the hands of the Muslims and Christians, and described how lessons learned in Egypt continued to provide insight, just as lessons learned under the Muslim yoke would provide insight for future generations.

While influenced by some Muslim philosophers, Maimonides refused to give up his Jewish beliefs, which formed the basis of his philosophy. He denied Muhammad and the Koran, and declared that the Jews were God’s sole representatives on earth when he wrote “After the act on Mt. Sinai, all Israel became his witnesses and no other proof was needed.” Thus Maimonides described the unnecessary nature of both Christianity and Islam, and renewed the idea of the Jews as God’s chosen people, thereby certifying in the Jewish people the need to unite not only for the practical purposes of survival, but also as a sacred duty to God.

While Muslim thought and philosophy inspired Maimonides’ greatest work, Guide for the Perplexed, only in a casual manner, Islam defined the world in which Maimonides lived. This world brought external pressure onto the Jewish people, leading them into a choice of two possible futures; unification and survival or division and extinction. Maimonides took it upon himself to do what he could to ensure that the Jewish people took the first choice. His writing, which sought to provide a union of several differing religious ideas within Judaism and also to provide for a strengthening of the Jewish doctrine by reconciling it with the world’s dominant scientific view of the natural universe, enabled the Jewish people to come together in order to secure the survival of their unique philosophy and way of life.

For more information on Mainmonides and other notable Hebrews please consult your local library’s Non-Fiction Section, visit your local neighborhood Rabbinical scholar, or just type “Maimonides” into an internet search engine. These and other methods of information gathering should yeild you a lifetime’s worth of study materials on Mainmonides and other amazing scholars of the Jewish faith. Enjoy.