Glamorous Celebrities, Not Emaciated POWs: Actress Miranda Chase and her Best Friend Forever (BFF) Lucy Borden look horrid, disgusting, skeletal and fabulous thanks to the newest fad, the low-mineral Trap Diet.

Miranda Chase, A-list star of the new film Any Thursday, stated in her latest press junket thats she’s an adherent to Dr. Michael Trap’s new low-mineral diet. She’s not alone in this new diet fad. The Trap Diet allows people to eat whatever they want, as long as they maintain low mineral content in their diets.

“The aircraft carrier Nimitiz, displaces one hundred thousand tons, and what do you think that’s made of? It’s made of minerals,” stated Dr. Trap. “Would you eat a hammer? Hammers are heavy and every time you eat minerals you’re essentially eating a hammer.”

Always lovely and roughly skeletal in shape, Ms. Chase defended the Trap Diet which has come under fire from those who practice common sense. “Mountains are big and fat and heavy. I don’t ever want to eat a mountain, or a train or anything else made of minerals; like a geode or a tongs.”

While scientists, doctors, nutritionists and those with common sense are still skeptical, the low-mineral Trap Diet remains popular with those who have already tried and failed on such previous fads as the low carb, low fat, low protein and low vitamin diets.

Ban Ban, Laos– In the early morning hours, with the flashes from distant artillery still lighting up the darkened sky, my guide Chau took a sip from his canteen and offered it to me, saying “Yes, have some.” That was just what I needed, the ever popular Hmong confection of gin and powdered pumpkin mix. On a night like this, it tasted sweeter than any drink I’ve ever imbibed. Chau smiled and took another swig before strapping the canteen back to his worn combat webbing. Looking into the hills, his eyes narrowed into slits. “Listen” he implored me “Do you smell something.” His laughter was infectious and for a moment I forgot about the death all around us.

In covering this hellish war, I’ve been all over; from the frigid wastes of Antarctica, to the nightmare jungles of Madagascar, the endless plains of Siberia, the humid brothels of Sao Paolo and the molten swamps of Palauan. Now, here I was in the hills of Laos, overlooking an expanse of rice paddies, on what everyone hoped would be the last day of the war. During the difficult travels and the cacophonous battles, I met people of every nation and station, people whose bravery, intelligence, audacity and courage never ceased to amaze me.

The Laotian guerrillas here in Ban Ban reminded me of Tennyson’s old Light Brigade; for here they were, calm and serene and ready once again to charge into the jaws of death, into the mouth of hell. My companions this night weren’t professional soldiers. They were ordinary brick layers and taxidermists, fighting the Bad Guy invaders. The Bad Guys who had decided that their final stand would be made here in the hills outside Ban Ban, in their multihued Kevlar skirts and camouflaged, impact resistant polo shirts.

During the last eight weeks, the Laotian guerrillas kept up to date on the events bringing the war closer, and closer, and closer; inching, creeping, sometimes spurting towards their homeland: a communist Chinese satellite state in the stagnant and hilly jungles of South East Asia. On their blogs and web boards they posted their feelings, their hopes and fears and belief that victory would come soon. But also, surprisingly, were well-aware of the latest Hollywood gossip, and were attempting to find companionship and love. All the while they prepared and planned, went on patrols and passed vital intelligence information on to the Good Guys, via email and also via updates to their guerrilla homepage.

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