Fifty New Animals that God Should Create

1. Flying crabs.
2. Sheep with non-itchy wool.
3. Talking meercats, since meercats always look like they’re about to say something interesting.
4. Dogs that stay puppies forever.
5. Tigons and Ligers that can actually reproduce.
6. Rubber-toothed sharks for surfer safety.
7. Chihuahuas that don’t shake so damn much.
8. Butterflies with patriotic flag designs on their wings.
9. Moths that can tell the difference between a light bulb and the Moon.
10. Cuddly snakes.
11. Cats that can do like at least one trick or something.
12. Bishop birds, for the cardinals to oversee.
13. A birddog that doesn’t just find dead birds but is actually like a flying dog with a beak.
14. Bioluminescent elephants.
15. Land whales.
16. Turtles with hinges, so you could open up the shell and see how they work.
17. Gigapedes.
18. Abyssal fish that aren’t quite so nightmarish.
19. Dolphins who don’t give a damn about lost mariners.
20. Something that’s full of tasty lobster meat but doesn’t look so much like a giant sci-fi alien bug.
21. Hippos that don’t kill quite so many people.
22. Parrots that can say interesting things rather than just continually demanding crackers.
23. Squirrels that hand out small containers of relish.
24. Something, anything that actually wears underpants.
25. Rabbits than can play Parcheesi well.
26. Spaceborne orangutans with giant foil wings which produce nutritious energy through simian-compatible chlorophyll.
27. A carnivorous chinchilla which is just as cute as a regular chinchilla, but over 700 times as deadly.
28. Small lizards with built-in rocket/jetpacks.
29. Humans with spines fully-adapted to upright walking.
30. Deer whose eyes shine blinding light at over 100,000 lumens.
31. A species of clam which exhibits astounding sexual differences between its 13 different genders.
32. A wolverine shaped like a VHS tape which feeds on human hands.
33. The sinless manatee.
34. Hyperlinked marmosets.
35. Bees that buzz a major third apart.
36. Penguins in primary colours.
37. Bed bugs that form beds.
38. Hook-length worms that don’t produce mucous.
39. Shrimp which eat plastic bags.
40. Moles what build their hills out of bottle caps.
41. Proper human shemales.
42. Scallops exactly one millimeter thick.
43. Manta rays which grow human skin.
44. Lemon-flavoured bison.
45. Stick insects that die and dry out to create brushes.
46. Giraffes divisible by i.
47. Diatoms which die and leave skeletons usable as nuts for bolts.
48. Purple pigs.
49. Multi-cellular amoeba.
50. Pigeons that double as radio transmitters.

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