Katie Stalin in Kansas



Lawrence, Kansas – I am a huge basketball fan. Okay, it’s more that I’m a fan of huge basketball players, but I’ll sit through a game for them anyway. That’s why I came to Lawrence after all. James Naismith, the old fogey who invented basketball is buried here. He had this totally awesome brain hemorrhage and then died. Apparently the University of Kansas police don’t like it when you sneak into the Pioneer Cemetery and hold a candle-lit picnic with Naismith’s ghost at three in the morning. They also don’t seem to like being doused with Everclear and set on fire, if the screaming I heard while running away is to be believed.

I got lost in the Bowersock Dam a couple of hours later. I’d stopped off for some nachos at Lawrence’s own El Mezcal, but they were closed because it was 4:30. I broke the lock and made my own though. Anyway, I headed over to the dam, and let me tell you: not impressive. Did you know it takes only 53 bags of trash to gum up the whole spill system?

I mean, they make a big deal about having had the first corrugated paper plant west of the Mississippi, but who really gives a crap about corrugated paper and who had a plant for it first? That’s the kind of stuff that bores you to tears on first grade field trips. Sometimes I think those field trips to the county museum and the river walk influenced the way I behave on trips, but most of the time it’s just how stupid people are. They’re also real happy they had the first “sanitary sewer” in Lawrence. Yeah dudes, pipes for poop!

Later that weekend I did get to help the Lawrence Police Department. Well, sort of. See, I was sunbathing topless in the part near my motel and this hunky dude came over to talk to me. I sort of got him to unzip his pants to show me the tattoo of Shoki the Demon Slayer he said he had, but then all these cops showed up and I had to get out of there.

On my way out of town today I stole a few Naismith Street signs, but otherwise Lawrence just wasn’t much fun. Next up: NEW YORK!!!

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