Monthly Archives: January 2008

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Ask Montezuma Scott Birdseye

Ask Montezuma: Maine 2008

It’s the Anwer Man from Tenochtitlan

Montezuma

Montezuma II is a taurus and enjoys the companionship of scorpios. His bowling team came in third in the league last year and he hopes to make it to the intramural city championship this year. He currently works part-time for Milton Bradley’s customer service department.

Dear Montezuma,
My friend Howard tells me that through adversity there is redemption. I’m not so sure, see, because once I missed the bus and all I got was being late to work. What do you think?
Adam Dutkiewicz
Boston, MA

Your friend Howard is incorrect. If you take Route 15 through Adversity, AL, you’ll only get to Pandaemonium, KY. Since Route 15 is the only thoroughfare in Adversity, it’s quite clear to any observer that Redemption cannot be reached through Adversity. You can, however, find Redemption by taking the Cardinal Sin Roundabout to the Deathbed Conversion Throughway.

Montezuma,
You know how it rains sometimes? Well, I always get wet when that happens. It’s really frustrating because I have to put everything under the radiator to dry off in the winter or hang it in front of the fan in the summer. Got any tips for me?
Lionel Luthor
Smallville, KS

Mr. Luthor, I have a great tip. What you need to do is keep the rain off of your body. To do this, I suggest mounting a car battery to a harness which itself is attached to two large fans mounted on your shoulders. When it starts raining, flip the switch on the battery and the large fans will spin quickly, blowing the rain out of your way. Simple and cost-effective. Just make sure you water proof the battery. A friend of mine didn’t do that and now we keep him in a tin on the mantle.

Dear Mr. Zuma,
My girlfriend and I recently went to Molokai, part of the Hawaiian Islands. It’s beautiful there, with very few inhabitants, only some small hotels, and some wonderful fish ponds. One day, while out on a hike through those same ponds, we decided to engage in the physical act of love. While I was performing oral sex on her as foreplay to coitus, I noticed that the fish kept looking at us. More specifically, me. I felt as if they were watching my every move. How can I keep fish from looking at me while I’m giving the gift of oral?
Dinesh D’souza
Stanford, CA

I don’t know how many times I have to repeat myself, but this is not an advice column for icthyo-opthamologists. We are neither concerned with the ability of fish to see, nor what they might be looking at. You may wish to contact any of the multitude of advice columns written by fish on fishy subjects.

Dear Montezuma,
I don’t understand the user interface choices that software designers make sometimes. For instance, in both Mac OS and Windows, newly-opened programs or windows will automatically try to come to the front. What if I’m doing that “multi-tasking” I’m always encouraged to do? Then that window is getting in the way when I don’t need it. Or, what about the other way, when in Mac OS the icon for my browser will bounce after I’ve downloaded something to open in another program. Why? It never requires me to do anything other than click the bouncing icon to make it stop bouncing. It’s nerve wracking, to say the least.
X. Alexander Roustabout
Blemish, WY

I would rather enjoy an interface which required the use of three dimensional spectacles. To have a new window look like the inside of a box would be interesting, especially if I could reach right in and grab things with a virtual hand. Also, it would be quite nifty if the inside of my computer looked as if it were constructed of towers of light and lattices of shadow. Oh! And if information was going along, it looked like a little laser blast. This would be enjoyable. I might even place a picture of a jolly clown as my desk top wall paper (or desktop wallpaper as some call it).

Dear Montezuma,
What’s a fog hat?
Jeremy Rosen
Astoria, NY

A fog hat, dear Jeremy, has a three-foot bill, ear flaps, and a large torch mounted on the back. The bill is wide and shunts the obnoxious condensate out of the way while the torch lights the way forward. The flaps are usually for decoration, though some companies do manufacture them to act as secondary scoops similar to the bill. They’re traditionally only available in blue with white paisleys, but some companies will soon offer them in teal.

Montezuma,
I like Jazz, but without all the swinging, interesting moods, and enjoyability. What should I do?
Louis Secunda
New York, New South Wales, Australia

Dr. Secunda, you should probably listen to jazz music as played by an entirely French or Norwegian ensemble. It tends to be shoe-gazingly introspective and without most or all of the emotive qualities an American ensemble can produce. Many have described jazz as played by Europeans as “bland.”

Dear Monty,
Why is Battleship such a stupid game? I mean, all you have to do is look over the edge of your opponent’s case and you can see exactly where all the ships are. It’s called a satellite. Join the modern era Milton Bradley.
Gustav Klimt
Roanoke, VA

Dear Mr. Klimt, MILTON BRADLEY produces, sells and markets a broad line of popular games, puzzles, and activities. Some of the classics include: THE GAME OF LIFE (1960), CHUTES AND LADDERS (1943), CANDY LAND (1949), TWISTER (1966), YAHTZEE (1956), BIG BEN Puzzles (1941), and SCRABBLE Brand Crossword Game (1938). As a wholly-owned subsidiary of Hasbro, Inc., we thank you for your kind interest.

montys hints

Now that winter is in full swing and the short, cold days are here, you might discover a problem with mold. Yes, with radiators pumping out so much humidity and so little ventilation in homes, quite often a mold problem erupts during the winter months. The first thing you should try to do is reason with the mold. Turn on an overhead light, sit a chair next to the mold and have a frank discussion with it. Let it know how you feel about it invading your space, disfiguring your walls, closet, or other area, and tell it that you’re worried about contracting a fungal infection in your lungs should it not move out soon. Most of the time mold will respond to reason. If it does not, your next option is to try fire.

Scott Birdseye

The Seven Absolute Non Wonders of the World

7 non wonders

Bob Thompson’s Tool Shed (Tuscaloosa, AL)
Constructed of solid plywood and 2” x 4”s, Bob Thompson’s tool shed is ignored by all those in Blackwarrior County and throughout the state of Alabama. Not only is Bob’s shed poorly constructed, it’s also full of mold, mildew and the occasional raccoon. The back wall is rotting and it smells really bad. Besides, he doesn’t even keep many tools in there anymore. After he threw out his back, he hasn’t done much yard work. Don’t be fooled, the bag of rotting leaves in the corner isn’t a nascent compost pile, he just forgot about it last month.

A Mail Box (The Bronx, NY)

There are many millions of mailboxes across the United States, but on the corner of West Reservoir Oval in the Bronx stands a pinnacle of non-wonder. Covered in graffiti, and often used as a urinal by the homeless and itinerant, this mailbox truly is a blight. Claimed as a tagging area by both “Rasor” and “Ginx,” it’s best to not put your mail in this box.

A Pile of Loose Gravel (Cairo, Egypt)
Over two meters in height and weighing almost a ton, this pile of gravel stands outside a hotel construction site in Cairo. No, it’s not just gravel; it’s also loose dirt, soda cans, cigarette butts, candy wrappers and other trash. It belongs to Mr. Mohammed Saddeg, a day-laborer on the site. If you dig too deep into the pile, you might find a scorpion, so be careful.

Tire Swing (Kent, UK)
Though the British would likely call it a “tyre” swing, people on both sides of the pond can admit that the swing is really not wondrous as at all. For one thing, it’s always full of old, gray rank rain water and secondly, the steel belts stick out due to wear and can poke a child or even rip his or her clothing. Sometimes there are insects.

Empty Lot (Augusta, GA)
It is full of weeds and features not one, but two, old rusty shopping carts. A victim of heavy erosion, the lot mostly just features dirt surrounded by a poorly constructed chain link fence. Actually the fence is kind of pointless as a barrier, since it features a prominent eight foot hole. There are also several 2 x 4s lying next to a mud puddle. One weed has a flower, but it’s a brown, dried out flower.

Rusted Out Chevy Nova (Rome, Italy)
Legend has it that the Chevy Nova once belonged to a Mr. Luciano Travetti, who abandoned it after realizing that the tow-away fee would be equal to 200,000 lire. After he purchased a new car in 1982, Travetti merely left the old car parked on the street where it accumulated not only rust, but also nearly two hundred and thirty different parking citations.

Stack of Wet Cardboard (Shangai, Peoples’ Republic of China)
Behind the factory that manufactures Robotron™ action figures and playsets, stands a pile of cardboard more than twenty three feet high. Soaked my many summer rainstorms, the cardboard has become structurally weakened and has begun to smell. As the local truck from the Peoples’ Refuse Collection Army has yet to come by, the stack continues to grow and a’molder.

How to Do It Scott Birdseye

10 Simple Steps to “Greening-Up” Your Life

green

1. You can reduce your carbon foot print by bicycling to work. Then again, bicycles are made of aluminum that has to be stripmined. Instead construct your own bicycle out of recycled cardboard and old compost.

2. Leaving the water running while shaving or brushing your teeth can waste over 2,800 gallons of water every year. So save water by avoiding grooming like other dirty eco-nut hippies.

3. Produce has to be trucked across country just to get to your local grocery store. Why not cut down on all that fossil fuel pollution by growing your own vegetables? If you don’t have the time, just enslave some migrant workers. Don’t worry, they’re here illegally and are afraid to go to the police. So really you’ll have carte blanche in how treat them.

4. Always make sure you buy recycled products. If you can’t find recycled products, you can make your own just by rereading yesterday’s newspaper or rewiping with previously used toilet paper.

5. Solar panels can reduce your electricity and heating costs by over 83.3%. For the average American household that’s $200.00 extra dollars a month you can spend on cocaine.

6. Speaking of Colombia, you can save some land from agricultural degradation by using dirt instead of coffee grounds to make your coffee. Most Americans make coffee that tastes like dirt anyway, so it cuts out the pretense, saves on transport costs, and you don’t have to worry about that “fair trade” baloney.

7. You know how putting a brick in your toilet tank will help you save water? Give it a shot with your car by putting a brick in your gas tank.

8. You can save electricity by only listening to music recorded prior to 1965. After that producers started making everything really loud, thus not only getting rid of some wonderful dynamic contrast, but also using up more energy when played in a stereo.

9. Install a small turbine generator above your shower’s drain and you could generate enough power through draining water to keep that MP3 player of yours going for minutes.

10. Commit suicide and make sure that your will stipulates that you’d like to be composted. Nothing says love like eating vegetables nourished by someone for whom you cared. Nothing could be greener, either.

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