Historigon: Vespril 2007

The Historigon

2005 AD- Punxsutawney Phil rolls out the omni-directional lighting system he has been working on in his off-months for the last decade.

1997 AD- Sondra Macgillicuddy thinks it would be an original idea to include an Emily Dickens quote at the beginning of her 12th Grade English essay. Poor Sondra.

1932 AD- Herbert Hoover officially becomes the most sore loser of Presidential elections in U.S. history when he sends FDR a card reading “Congratulations on Your Polio.”

1918 AD- Molly Pryer feels a sniffle coming on and wonders if it might be the flu.

1823 AD- Jefferson Davis also splits a rail, but the action fails to be noted by posterity.

1788 AD- At the insistence of Jacob Broom, the Constitutional convention votes down the idea of amending the historic document with the inclusion of over one hundred woodcuts of interesting song birds.

1745 AD- Carl “Greenbeard” Jones decides to be different and so marks his treasure map with a Y.

1639 AD- Swedish King Gustavus Adolphus revolutionizes warfare when he conceives of the brilliant idea of actually issuing ammunition to his troops. Catholic princes dismiss the idea as foolhardy, wasteful and expensive.

1605 AD- Traveling gunpowder salesman Guido Fawkes, tired of pushing his heavy goods-laden cart through the cold, decides to rest for a while in a nice, warm cellar.

1224 AD- Ghengis Khan, assured that he will love hot peppers, discovers the next day that he does not, in fact, love hot peppers nor the camp cook who suggested he would.

1100 AD- The reverse cowgirl sexual position is invented in southern China.

917 AD- Klingtan of a band of Indians on the Mississippi River invents the coupon by offering a two corn discount for anyone who brings a red leaf with them to market.

233 AD- Yu Fan of the Kingdom of Wu dies in an unfortunate reading incident.

2 AD- Yet another year goes by without the use of cellular telephones.

183 BC- Penguins reach South Africa on a dare.

204 BC- Using an elaborate system of pulleys and counter-weights, Sosibius allows the late Ptolemy IV to attend an official state dinner and orgy.

453 BC- In Athens Pericles institutes the world’s first speed limit.

664 BC- Jimmu decides to invent popcorn before founding Japan 4 years later.

888 BC- Weighted down by his lack of stock, Barundo the Clothier uses the one hat he has left to devise “one size fits all.”

986 BC- Uriah the Hittite wonders why he’s being ordered to the front of the column, but hopes that Bathsheba will like the cloth he looted for her.

1194 BC- Captain Axandos decides that Helen isn’t really that pretty, so he takes the armada’s 1001st ship in search of purple dye instead.

1232 BC- Luktep the Egyptian makes the observation that female genitalia resemble house cats. While all of his friends think he’s obviously wrong, the comparison endures for another 3300 years.

3301 BC- Rap group Leaders of the New School spit out rhymes at such a furious rate that they propel themselves into the distant past for a brief interval. Member Busta Rhymes accidentally shoots Otzi the Iceman with an arrow, mistaking him for a buck.

7000 BC- Fluntiglartiponactitune the Wanderer discovers apples on the far Eastern frontier of modern Kazakhstan. He remains unimpressed until his wife invents apple pie.

9096 BC- Threatened by a cosmic energy overload, Grand Master Soron attempts to reverse the polarity of the psychic crystal matrix. He fails and Atlantis sinks beneath the waves.

407,223 BC- Nunto creates the world’s first calendrical system when he begins making marks on a bone for each day his neighbor Gurt fails to clean up the rotten mammoth carcass near the hill.

407,224 BC- Gurt, neighbor of Nunto, dies in an obsidian flaking accident.

The March of Progress: Vespril 2007

aa prize

Bestoria, Montsylvania – Axes & Alleys today announced the Axes & Alleys Science & Technology $50 Prize. Winners of the A&A S&P in each of four categories will receive a $50 prize, while runners-up will get an Axes & Alleys t-styled shirt. The prize was created by managing editors Scott Birdseye and Jeremy Rosen in an effort to solve the important issues facing them in their daily lives.

Said Mr. Birdseye, “Sometimes you wake up and you can’t face the day because so many minor inconveniences exist. Usually I’ll call in depressed to the office.”

“I saw all of these prizes for useless bull hockey: rockets, math problems, vaccines. There’s even the Grainger Challenge to engineer an economical water treatment system,” said Mr. Rosen. “I challenge you to make me something useful, like a non-dribble spoon.”

The Axes & Alleys editors are offering the $50 prize for each of four inventions desperately needed in their daily lives.

Flopless Flip Flops
Mr. Rosen enjoys the comfort and convenience of flip flops, but is often embarrassed by the flopping flatulent sounds the footwear makes as he walks. To win the $50 prize, the design must look like traditional flip flops, but be completely silent. A bonus $20 will be thrown in for designs using some kind of sound-wave generating electrical device to interfere with the flopping sound.

Alarm Clock Employing the Smell of Frying Bacon
Mr. Birdseye on the other hand has difficulty waking up on purpose in the morning, even with multiple loud alarm clocks set for various times. However, he responds quite well to various smells, including chocolate ice cream, perfume, and ammonia. As the latter is a bit too harsh, the winner of this $50 prize must create an alarm clock which wakes Scott within 10 seconds using the smell (not sound!) of frying bacon.

Deodorant Application Flaps for T-Shirts
This should be a simple innovation. In fact, Mr. Rosen can think of a design himself, he’s just too lazy to produce it and would rather pay you a $50 prize. The winning design will allow the easy application of anti-perspirant, deodorant, or some combination of the two through easy-open panels under the sleeves.

Idiot Repellent
Often surrounded by idiots, Mr. Birdseye is in major need of relief from having to tell them to “bugger off.” He’d rather have a non-verbal way to fend off idiotic conversation about horoscopes, the latest environmental scare, and what to do when Billy says he likes you. Winning repellent schemes may employ sonics, odours, or bright lights, but must not interfere with the normal operations of Mr. Birdseye.

Prospective winners must submit a working prototype of their design to Messrs. Birdseye and Rosen, who will be the sole judges of the Axes & Alleys Science & Technology $50 Prize. Prototypes must be submitted before December 31st, 2008 with the prizes to be awarded at a special ceremony in Bermuda* in March, 2009.

For more information, please contact Mr. Birdseye or Mr. Rosen using the contact information at www.axesandalleys.com.

*location and definition of ceremony subject to change

News of the World: Vespril 2007

health scare

Science Flats, Dalmatia– Clinicians, Pseudo-Scientists and Reporters from across the globe have voted to reconvene the International Congress for Panic. After issuing a report warning of the combined dangers of solar flares, nuclear autumn and asteroid bombardment, the delegates gathered in the Besterade Grande Hall here today to release information on the newest Potentially Deadly Health Scare of the Week. In what is perhaps the most prevalent and worrisome threat to the health of humanity this week, ICP Scientician-General Dr. Larry Toynbee predicted that “by week’s end, every man, woman, and child would be more aware of the latest, dangerous and potentially disfiguring development.”

After a 34-9 vote (with two abstaining), delegates decided that this week’s Potentially Deadly Health Scare of the Week would avoid the common tropes of food recalls and poison-laced toys for a more mundane vector for the delivery of an increasingly debilitative disease.

“Look,” Dr. Toynbee says, “a single non-blind study we performed over the last month in three cancer patients shows that consuming food with metal, plastic or wood utensils increases the risk of developing cancer in every organ except the thyroid gland.” Researchers from the ICP now recommend that those at risk (mainly the non-comatose) begin an intensive program of eating only with sterilized ceramic sporks.

Dr. James Billabong, a researcher on the study, said that people should be certain to discard their sterilized ceramic spork after each bite, using only a newly unwrapped sterilized ceramic spork for each subsequent bite, so as to neutralize the potential spread of airborne bacteria. Experts recommend that the public worry incessantly about germs, toxins or chemicals that may be present on their utensils. “This is a serious potentially deadly thing which should scare everyone this week”

The study, the first of its kind, also showed increased risk of developing multiple forms of amyloidosis including Creutzfeld-Jakob Disease, Kuru, and Fatal Familial Insomnia. The last, once thought merely inheritable, has now been proven conclusively by this study to be acquired by breathing in non-sterilized air. “Air is full of chemicals,” stated Dr. Belinda Torres, “chemicals like nitrogen and oxygen, which are actually used in rocket fuel. But that’s a problem you can worry about next week.”

Lazy members of the so-called mainstream media and the equally so-called blogosphere are already helping to get the word out as fast as possible. In fact, one social news site even posted a link to a mainstream media report gathered from the AP service wired in by a local Dalmatian stringer hired by a drunk Southeastern European bureau chief. Soon everyone will be aware of the threat.

health scare