Science Flats, Dalmatia– Clinicians, Pseudo-Scientists and Reporters from across the globe have voted to reconvene the International Congress for Panic. After issuing a report warning of the combined dangers of solar flares, nuclear autumn and asteroid bombardment, the delegates gathered in the Besterade Grande Hall here today to release information on the newest Potentially Deadly Health Scare of the Week. In what is perhaps the most prevalent and worrisome threat to the health of humanity this week, ICP Scientician-General Dr. Larry Toynbee predicted that “by week’s end, every man, woman, and child would be more aware of the latest, dangerous and potentially disfiguring development.”
After a 34-9 vote (with two abstaining), delegates decided that this week’s Potentially Deadly Health Scare of the Week would avoid the common tropes of food recalls and poison-laced toys for a more mundane vector for the delivery of an increasingly debilitative disease.
“Look,” Dr. Toynbee says, “a single non-blind study we performed over the last month in three cancer patients shows that consuming food with metal, plastic or wood utensils increases the risk of developing cancer in every organ except the thyroid gland.” Researchers from the ICP now recommend that those at risk (mainly the non-comatose) begin an intensive program of eating only with sterilized ceramic sporks.
Dr. James Billabong, a researcher on the study, said that people should be certain to discard their sterilized ceramic spork after each bite, using only a newly unwrapped sterilized ceramic spork for each subsequent bite, so as to neutralize the potential spread of airborne bacteria. Experts recommend that the public worry incessantly about germs, toxins or chemicals that may be present on their utensils. “This is a serious potentially deadly thing which should scare everyone this week”
The study, the first of its kind, also showed increased risk of developing multiple forms of amyloidosis including Creutzfeld-Jakob Disease, Kuru, and Fatal Familial Insomnia. The last, once thought merely inheritable, has now been proven conclusively by this study to be acquired by breathing in non-sterilized air. “Air is full of chemicals,” stated Dr. Belinda Torres, “chemicals like nitrogen and oxygen, which are actually used in rocket fuel. But that’s a problem you can worry about next week.”
Lazy members of the so-called mainstream media and the equally so-called blogosphere are already helping to get the word out as fast as possible. In fact, one social news site even posted a link to a mainstream media report gathered from the AP service wired in by a local Dalmatian stringer hired by a drunk Southeastern European bureau chief. Soon everyone will be aware of the threat.
