Monthly Archives: November 2007

Faith DaBrooke Scott Birdseye

Reject All American

kathleen hanna

When you examine the facts completely, it is quite easy to see that indie rocker and Riot Grrl founder Kathleen Hanna hates America and supports terrorism. Why, these findings should be obvious to anyone who has done any research into Hanna’s personal life, beliefs, actions and statements. Time after time, the fierce and aggressive Hanna passionately calls for violence, murder and bloody revolution. Truly she is a terrifying menace.

Note the name of Hanna’s first band. It’s not Bikini Negotiate, it’s Bikini Kill, because she believes that killing through violence is the only means to achieve her goals. Of course, she has also acted as a guest for the band Atari Teenage Riot, while strangely never appearing on a single recording of rival band Atari Teenage Peaceful Gathering. Her writing even appeared in the Xerographic magazine Revolution Girl Style Now, the title of which suggests that Hanna supports the immediate overthrow of the lawfully elected United States Government, via a girl themed revolution.

Even Hanna’s musical lyrics show her violent and terroristic hatred of America. Of the terror attacks she states in Lil Red “You are not the victim, but you try to make it that way…All you do is destroy / All you do is f*ck up / All you ever do is take take” thus blaming the attacks not on the terrorists, but on America’s capitalism and foreign policy decisions. In Double Dare Ya, Hanna brazenly commands her elite Riot Grrl legions to take to the streets, perhaps in a riot, by stating “We want revolution…You’ve got no reason not to fight.”

Later on This is Not a Test she continues to threaten American society and lawful government with violence “You don’t make all the rules, yeah! / I know what I’m gonna fuckin do/ Me and my girlfriends gonna push on thru / We are gonna stomp on you, yeah!” It should be noted that many Riot Grrls wear large boots and could cause internal trauma or death via their stomping.

And let us not forget her most obvious anti-American manifesto, the aptly titled album Reject All American. In this most horrid attack, Hanna demands “loads of execution” and “more fear.” Fear, is of course, another word for terror. And yes, Hanna does demand that her brainwashed followers reject “All American,” likely including American made manufactured goods and sacred American institutions such as Democracy, Freedom and the Post Office.

While no Le Tigre lyrics specifically mention hatred of America, it’s probable that the name Le Tigre is a reference to General Yamashita Tomoyuki, the so-called “Tiger of Malaya” who committed numerous war crimes against Americans, including the infamous Bataan Death March. Only someone who vehemently hated America would want to honor this butcher and murderer by naming their band after him.

Why Kathleen Hanna has not been imprisoned and put on trial for treason is a mystery. All good Americans should call for Hanna and her Riot Grrl legions to be arrested immediately and their poorly Xeroxed zines and Emily the Strange paraphernalia confiscated as evidence.

Ads Scott Birdseye

Dothan

dothan

How to Do It Scott Birdseye

A Simple Guide to Living in a Haunted House

ghost

Whether your home was the site of a series of grisly murders by an underrated symphony conductor in the 1940s, or was built on a gallows where an innocent man was hanged, chances are you’ll have to deal with a house chock-full of restless spirits. No one likes waking up to the sounds of woeful moans and footsteps. And spirit writing just wrecks your freshly painted walls. So, here are some hints to living in peace with that ghost or getting them the hell out of your abode.

  • Many spirits are simply confused by the trauma of passing on and do not realize that they are dead. Leave the obits out conspicuously on the coffee table with a few funeral home brochures and headstone catalogues. Chances are they might just get the hint.
  • To encourage a ghost to leave your home and move on, you should remind them that you legally occupy the house and that they are a guest. When writing out your rent check, loudly lament that the rent is so high and that you wish that everyone in the house would pay their fair share.
  • If a poltergeist starts flinging objects around or breaking glasses, an-eye-for-an-eye is a good thing to remember. Go to the person’s grave and smash the headstone with a big hammer. See how they like them apples.
  • Try just ignoring the ghost. If that doesn’t work, annoy them by talking loudly and often about how awesome it is to be alive. Say things like “Gee, sure glad I’m alive and not dead so I can enjoy all of this delicious ice cream.”
  • If you find yourself dealing with a particularly persistent ghost, you may need to call in an expert to help exorcize the house. Or you can just do it yourself, because with a simple prayer you can turn the toilet into a fountain full of holy water.
  • When performing your own exorcism, remember that not all dead people are Christian. Have nearby handy copies of the Talmud, the Koran, the Bahavagita, Dianetics, the Communist Manifesto and the Zoroastrianistrokan.
  • Should you actually see an apparition, offer it a cup of tea. No need to be rude, after all.
  • Spirits often attempt to communicate through spirit writing or through EVP. Just ignore them. They never have anything useful to say.
  • Sometimes a spirit is traumatized by its death and needs closure before moving on. Remind the ghost that you’re not its damn therapist and that you have better things to do than to help it deal with its magazine rack full of issues.
  • If, through research in musty volumes at the library, you discover that your house was built on top of an old Indian burial ground, go down to the basement, dig up the bones and move them somewhere else, because we conquered it, it’s our country now and we don’t need stupid, defeated natives’ spirits bugging us all the time.
  • Turn the tables on the ghost and walk through it repeatedly. Do this especially if the ghost is trying to communicate with you. They find it unbearably annoying.
  • Only rarely do ghosts appear in photographic or video images. Use this to your advantage by turning your home into a discount portrait studio.
  • A little-know fact about visitors from the netherworld is that more than anything they hate artificial watermelon scent. Modern air-freshening technology can help you immeasurably.
  • Knick-knacks while generally an eyesore are also a no-no. Poltergeists can fling such objects all over the place at the least causing a nuisance, at most mild pain and property damage.
  • If the haunted house you’re living in happens to be part of a theme park or annual holiday celebration, this is not the article you’re looking for. Please see our Tiberium 1966 issue.
  • Ghosts can be attached to certain objects. If yours is one such as this, do not dispose of the object in the curbside trash pick up as the disposal of paranormal refuse has been strictly regulated by the EPA since 1984. Use the recycling bin.
  • Sometimes your standard apparitions are semi-permeable. Spraying them with a mister produces lovely visual effects including rainbows and hilarious distortions of the people or objects directly behind the spirit.
  • If it’s a tree on your property which happens to be the source of the haunting, why not employ the use of a chainsaw?
  • If you’re willing to strike up a relationship with the deceased, they can really help when cheating at cards.
  • Ghosts are supposedly kept at bay with iron, but a better repellant is pure disbelief.

Fiction Scott Birdseye

Once Upon a Time…

fairy tale

Once upon a time in the far away kingdom of Vandin, there were a very old king and queen who spent the days all alone in their huge castle. For many years, they had been trying to have children but had been unsuccessful. What truly frightened old King Fim and old Queen Mavis was not that they were all alone, but rather the thought that if they never had an heir, the kingdom would fall under the control of Savius, the evil king of the neighboring land; a wicked man whose penchant for tyranny would be sure to bring death, famine and war to little land of Vandin.

At last Queen Mavis decided to call on a local witch for help. She sent one of her servants to bring the witch to the castle, but when the servant returned later that night he did not have the witch. Instead he had a little pouch full of cherries.

“What is this?!” the Queen cried in dismay. “I asked you to bring me the witch and all you have brought me is cherries! Now I shall never conceive a child!”

“No, my Queen, you don’t understand!” said the servant. “The witch told me that if you eat the cherries in two months time you will conceive a child…a girl child to be exact.”

Though Queen Mavis had her doubts, she ate the cherries and, like a miracle, in two months time the queen became pregnant and nine months later she gave birth to a perfectly healthy little princess, who they named Arielle. By the time she was eighteen years of age she was intelligent, polite, talented in music and art, extremely well spoken, and kind. But there was one problem; unlike other little princesses you read about in fairy tales, she was not the least bit beautiful. Instead of blonde tresses, she looked as if someone had thrown a mop on her head. Plus, one of her eyes was blue and the other brown and her nose was crooked.

“How will we ever find her a husband?! No one will want a princess that looks like that! My kingdom is lost!” cried poor King Fim.

Hating to see her husband so unhappy, the Queen decided to once again call upon the witch for help. No sooner had she made up her mind than a messenger arrived with a letter from the witch. The note said simply: “

You’re ugly girl will be made a beauty
But for this she must pay a duty
For the kings and princes from many a land
Will come before her, to seek her hand
But not one who gives her a glance
Shall ever find, in the real her, romance
Her beauty will trap them, yes this I can swear
But her joy, her thoughts or tears, they will never bear
If ever they look into her face
Then in their hearts, she’ll n’ere find a place.

After reading the strange note Queen Mavis went alone to her chambers to ponder the situation. It had been made clear in the witch’s note; her daughter could be beautiful, could find a husband, and could save the land of Vandin from the evil machinations of King Savius, however the price would be high; the young princess Arielle would, despite her beauty, never find true love. For if any man were to look upon her beauty, he would be smitten, but never truly love her. As Queen Mavis sat pondering, her husband burst into the chamber and exclaimed “Evil King Savius has ordered his soldiers to march, there will be war unless our daughter Arielle is wed! Whatever shall we do?”

So the Queen and King sent word to witch and that night a messenger returned, this time with a small sack of strawberries. That very night, Princess Arielle ate them and when she awoke in the morning she was at least three times prettier than the land’s previous holder of the most fair title. After her morning tea, she went for a stroll in the courtyard where she came upon Sir Bastion, the most handsome and bravest of all the king’s knights. When he looked upon her, his heart skipped a beat, so he swooped her up into his arms and said “My fair princess, I am awed by your beauty, for your face makes even a field of daisies in the morning sun look as grotesque as putrid ox carcasses.”

“Why, thank you, Sir Bastion” the Princess replied “Shall we go into the field and walk through the daisies? It would make me so happy.”

“Who cares what makes you happy?” he said as he kissed her on the cheek “Let us not wander through foliage, let us instead get married tonight and live happily ever after.”

But Arielle shook her head and ran away, tears streaming down her face. So incensed was she by the knight’s callus remarks, that she didn’t noticed when she ran right past the castle gate and out into the village. In fact, she was crying so hard that she didn’t even notice when she ran right into Count Bernu, the richest merchant in the land. When he saw her, his eyes opened wide and a smile came across his face.

“Princess Arielle, I do declare that you are the most beautiful girl in the land.”

“Thank you” she sobbed “But that mean Sir Bastion has hurt my feelings.”

“Who cares about your feelings, my dear?” he said with gusto “Let us go get married tonight and live happily ever after.”

Instead of making Arielle fall in love, Count Bernu’s proposal only made her weep harder. Turning around, she ran away from him, so fast that she missed her footing and fell in a big pile of mud. Picking herself up, she looked down at her beautiful gown and only felt more dejected.

Just then, a young man with a wrap around his eyes came up to her. His outstretched hand held a cloth and his face held a kind smile.

“I heard you crying and I heard a big splat. You must have fallen in the mud and ruined your clothes. Here, take my cloth and clean yourself off.” said the stranger.
“Oh, thank you, sir” she said as she tried to clean herself off “But why do you have that bandage over your eyes?”

“Long ago, an evil witch put a curse on me which made me blind. So, I was forced to leave my home and travel as a beggar.”

“And yet you stopped to help me? Why? You do not know who I am?”

“No, I do not know who you are, but I could hear your crying and knew that you were saddened, and I could not bear it to let you be sad.”

“Why thank you, but I do not even know your name, kind beggar. But you shall know mine, I am Princess Arielle, and that castle is my home. Tonight you shall come and dine with my family, as a show of thanks.”

And so that night, there was a lavish feast with all manner of food. Expecting their daughter to soon be engaged to the various knights and merchants who had proposed, King Fim and Queen Mavis had invited many guests, including the mysterious witch. In fact, they had even invited evil King Savius who they thought could witness for himself the Princess’s engagement and the victory for the land of Vandin.

Seated next to the Princess was the blind beggar she had met, though many other men were trying to get her attention. After the main course was over, King Fim stood up and held aloft his glass, proclaiming “Now, all in attendance will witness the engagement of my daughter Princess Arielle, heir to the Kingdom of Vadim, to the man she chooses.”

“She will choose me” stated Sir Bastion “for I am the bravest knight in the kingdom.”

“No, she will choose me” stated Count Bernu “For I am the richest merchant in the kingdom.”

Rising, the princess smiled “No, I will choose the only man who has ever been kind to me, who ever cared about my feelings and ever loved me for who I am.” And with a flourish, she turned to the blind beggar, who stood up. Pulling the bandaged off his eyes, she took his hands.

“Oh no!” cried the evil King Savius “It is Prince Agald. the son of my older brother, the rightful heir to my kingdom, the one who I had the witch curse with blindness and who I exiled into a live of poverty!”

Then Princess Arielle and Prince Agald kissed and in an instant the witch’s spell was broken. Not only did his sight return, but Princess Arielle became even more beautiful. King Fim ordered the guards to take the evil Savius and his witch to the dungeon and that night Arielle and Agald were wed, joining the two kingdoms into a peaceful union forever.

And Princess Arielle and Prince Agald lived happily ever after. The End.

Based on an original idea by the Rev. Arielle Phillips.

How to Do It Scott Birdseye

Ten Great Tips for Stalking Azura Skye

azura skye

  • Wear comfortable shoes. Often overlooked, but important, comfortable footwear will help you a great deal, because stalking Azura Skye will keep you on your feet for long hours. Why not try sneakers with some gel insoles. We hear she really likes gel insoles.
  • Eat well. Following Azura Skye around is almost a full time job. Often you don’t have the time to grab a real meal so you’ll end up stopping at a fast food place for something to keep you going. That means you keep eating greasy junk food. Why not take some bags of sliced celery or baby carrots with you to munch on? That way you can grab a bite of something good for you and keep an eye on Azura Skye the whole time.
  • Get a good breakfast. Remember, breakfast is the most important meal of the day, don’t neglect it because you’re in a rush to get out of the house to start stalking. A car won’t run without gasoline and you won’t stalk well without breakfast.
  • Warm up before hand. How many times have you been chased by studio security guards only to develop shin splits after a hundred yards or so? Be sure to stretch those calves and leg muscles. Do a few warm up exercises before you try and sneak into Azura Skye’s window.
  • Dress in layers. Since stalking Azura Skye involves spending a lot of time outside, be sure to wear a few layers so you can adapt to temperature changes. It can get chilly, even in Los Angeles, so take your jacket.
  • Carry an umbrella. You never know when it might rain, so why not be prepared? It’s no fun stalking Azura Skye when you’re soaking wet and shivering.
  • Plan your route before hand. No one likes endless driving or sneaking around. Before you leave in the morning, plan the day. Will it be spent hanging out in the bushes by her house, or trying to sneak into the studio where she works? Planning ahead will save you aggravation and gas money.
  • Go the extra mile. Why send your love letters on plain old copy paper when you can get fancy resume paper for as little as 10 cents a sheet at most stationary stores? That extra little effort may pay off in the end.
  • Take a flashlight. How many times have you been in the dark shrubbery near Azura Skye’s home and gotten lost because of the lack of light. Take a flashlight and you’ll find your way every time. Be sure to take extra batteries, just in case.
  • Have fun. In this hectic world, it’s easy to get caught up in things. Remember, stalking Azura Skye is supposed to be fun, so don’t take it so seriously. Have a good time with it and enjoy yourself.