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Monthly Archives: January 2007
The Historigon: Pentember 2007
This Month in History:
- 2001 AD: After opening a box of Lucky Charms™ cereal, cashier David Bowman exclaims “My God, it’s full of stars!”
- 1978 AD: Six-year-old Ruth West of Dublin, Virginia completes a wax-crayon-on-paper rendering of her family.
- 1950 AD: Edward Teller successfully convinces the US Government to fund his “Super Atomic Destruct-o-Pod,” later renamed the Hydrogen Bomb.
- 1932 AD: Former choir-boy Iosif Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili finds a new, snappier name for himself after reading through an imported comic book about Superman.
- 1915 AD: A friend convinces Manfred Von Richthofen that red might be more suitable plane color than pink or periwinkle.
- 1876 AD: American President U.S. Grant, in an incident echoing Canute, spends half an hour firing a shotgun into the Potomac River.
- 1805 AD: Napoleon Bonaparte, in celebration of his victory at Austerlitz, shaves off his famous mustache and orders all extant portraits changed to reflect his new, mustache-less state.
- 1770 AD: Georgia resident George Walton is forced to pay a Window Tax of seven shillings.
- 1654 AD: Haudenosaunee trader Nowadaga asks Frenchman Jacques Harve about the cost of metal axes.
- 1485 AD: Edsin of Leeds attempts to take up Richard III on his now-famous deal, by offering the king a pony. Angered, Richard tries in vain to explain hyperbole to the man.
- 901 AD: Rolf Gadweneson decrees that the gog should replace the hulf as the official unit of field size.
- 79 AD: Using the power of steam and water pressure, Hero of Alexandria becomes the first person to split an atomic nucleus. While the experiment does succeed, the nearby city of Pompeii never recovers.
- 14 AD: Caesar Augustus, shortly before his death, asks for and receives the little-known Third Settlement from the Roman Senate granting him the title of Auarca Formator Magnus, or Great Cobbler.
- 3 AD: The unluckiest man in Han China, Li Yuan Bo, trips over a pig, falls down a flight of stairs, bowls over an imperial eunuch, and sprains his ankle, thus missing his civil service test for Xindu City fowl purveyance inspector (goslings), grade 3.
- 12 BC: Finding a comet in the sky, his noodle soup cold, and the court bards incredibly dull, King Geumwa of Korea decides to play with his magnet collection.
- 102 BC: Lost on a trip from Puerto Rico, an Arawak Indian lands in Florida. He settles there. He is one of the few people to make such a voyage who could legitimately start a sentence with “When I first came to this country…”
- 323 BC: Bectobenthes of Sparta, hanging around Mesopotamia after Alexander the Great’s death, makes one of the most artful, witty and elegant put downs in history. Unfortunately the Babylonian he mocks doesn’t speak any Greek and goes about his business undisturbed.
- 568 BC: Pythagoras, age 14, struggles to learn how to tie his sandals.
- 776 BC: Parshvanatha, a revered figure of perfect enlightenment in Jainism, is found locked in a closet, tangled in his robes, with a particularly frustrated look on his face. One rescuer is heard to snicker loudly.
- 803 BC: A penguin is caught by fishermen off the Iberian Peninsula. Though no one really complains, everyone agrees the meat is a bit gamy.
- 965 BC: Orctobaleneomathimphus the Cupbearer finally gets a vacation after fifteen years of service.
- 1500 BC: Polynesians import the pig to Fiji. While the pig doesn’t particularly wish to go, it realizes its social calendar is rather empty and thinks “Oh, what the hell?”
- 1675 BC: The ancestors of the Yuki peoples arrive near Mount Hood in California. In an episode of historical coincidence, they also name the mountain Hood, though in their language this roughly translates as “fetid pancreas.”
- 2001 BC: D’vshar Bo-min is accidentally infected with a bacteria which kills the parasitic worm that caused his lifelong blindness. “Bless the gods, it’s full of those things,” he exclaims upon seeing the night sky for the first time.
- 2263 BC: Melthep the Akkadian has a bit too much prot-beer and insults Sermin the Akkadian’s wife. Sermin offers to let Melthep sleep with his wife in order to disprove the charges.
- 12000 BC: Upnashatar breaks his leg on a solo hunting expedition. While he does figure out the secret of setting and splinting a broken bone, he dies before he reaches home, delaying the spread of this valuable discovery for another 3000 years.
- 600,000 BC: Durg of the Brown Field People kills the last surviving dinosaur who, thanks to luck and an indeterminate life-span had survived for millions of years.
Saturn
The Hague, EU – Delegates all agreed that Jupiter sure is large, Earth is chock-full of living organisms, and Venus is bright, but once again Saturn, the ringed wonder between Jupiter and Uranus, took home top honors in the sixth annual “World’s Greatest Planet” competition. Top runners up included crowd-favorite Mercury and dark-horse Twopiter, but neither were able to beat out Saturn’s 308 total votes. OGLE235-MOA53 and HD 114762 did not receive any votes whatsoever, though WASP 2 did win an honorable mention for “Most Interesting Name, Extrasolar Category.”
Convention delegates are chosen from the astronomy community, the astrology community and through a lottery sponsored by Go Icecream! Magazine. Each delegate receives three votes which are color coordinated (blue, yellow, pink) and may be cast in any one of the ten categories. The initial categories are chosen by the host committee and include Best Color, Best Moons, Most Interesting Chemical Composition, and Smelliest Atmosphere.
Each of the 430 delegates casts their color votes (for a total of 1290 votes). The three categories with the most yellow cards are then chosen for the second round.
Delegates are divided into teams of ten members each, and each team chooses a candidate for each of the three second round categories. After lunch and coffee, the teams break up and the second round of voting begins when the host committee members distribute a one euro coin to each delegate.
The delegates place their coins in copper pots representing each of the ten candidates in each of the three categories. Only one vote may be cast in any category of the delegate’s choosing. Once the coins are placed, the pots are weighed by the tallest member of the host committee.
If there is a tie the process is repeated again, though in this optional third round each team chooses a mouse from a clear plastic hopper. The mice then run through any of the pre-chosen mazes provided by the host committee. The first three mice to make it through the mazes determine the final, tie-breaking voting teams, who reorganize according to the proportions of specialists and laymen at the competition and vote using black and white beans placed in a simple leather sack.
Fortunately, no tie happened this year.
In the competition’s only upset, Gravitational Microlensing beat out the Transit Method for “Best Detection Method.” Media reports of Transit Method spokes-model Dr. Ira Shore’s poor sportsmanship and bad manners during the announcement were not exaggerated, as the dethroned detection king ripped off his sash and stalked out of the Paard van Troje Concert Hall, knocking over the open bar in the lobby.
The other results this year were astounding as well. For the fifth time in a row Saturn took home the famed silver goblet for “World’s Best Planet,” while Earth and Mars tied for “Best Volcano,” and Neptune took home the title of “Best Gas Giant.”
Try Looking…
News of the World: Pentember 2007
Lobby, Greenland- Because of mounting financial troubles Greenland, the world’s largest island, has been relocated to a storefront in downtown Richland, Elizabethia. After years of mounting debt leading to its impending bankruptcy, the Greenland Executive Management Service this week announced the implementation of a retrenching strategy.
Haarf Goodmansdottir, acting representative for GEMS, stated in a press release: “Most people don’t realize how expensive it is to operate the world’s seventh largest landmass 24 hours a day, six days a week. In order to continue doing business we shall be moving all operations to a new, inexpensive location. We apologize for the disruption in service, but we’re moving effective immediately. Any further whaling or wife swapping needs are being handled through transitional offices in Iceland.”
Greenland’s old location measured 2,166,086 square kilometers, much of it ice covered. The new Greenland will take up only 2500 square feet of commercial space, including a back storage room, a lobby and a fully-functional half-bath. A few of Greenland’s larger towns, including Nanortalik, Paamuit, Sisimuit and Qaanaaq Thule have been transferred to a four-tiered aluminum shelf for safekeeping until the landmass can solve its financial problems.
Mount Gunnbjorn, at 3700 meters the island’s highest point, has been replaced with a new highest point: an eleven foot tiled ceiling. Unfortunately, a few of Greenland’s fifty thousand people have been laid-off as the bunks in the storage room can only accommodate four, or eight if they don’t mind sharing.
Yes, There is a Drinking Fountain: The new Greenland will be open for business sometime in the early days of the Second Quarter of 2007. Be sure to check out the videos. They even have a copy of Deep Space 9, Season 2.
Greenland’s new cashier (and former Prime Minister) Hans Enoksen, told reporters “After all the trouble we’ve had financially and with Denmark and the EU, it’ll be nice to have a new set of neighbors. We are looking forward to a cordial relationship with the Day ‘n’ Nite Deli and the Happy Smiles Nail Salon.”
The ice-covered landmass in the Atlantic is currently vacant, although both Sinonipponesia and Disney have reportedly made offers. Like many other islands, the former site of Greenland is surrounded on all sides by water, which analysts believe makes it especially attractive to Disney.
“This is a difficult time, but one filled with the opportunity to sell used furniture and appliances,” stated one member of the Landstinget. “While we have lost the world’s largest island, we have gained a Parcheesi set which the old tenants left behind. I look forward to a few games in the coming weeks, especially because those dice cups are so much fun.”
If the new used goods operation is successful, Greenland plans to implement a rent-to-own DVD business and pay for one employee to take classes towards a bachelors degree in notary public.
Greenland will no longer be just another place, but an all-inclusive destination offering the chance to purchase a slightly-worn recliner, have signed documents made official, and get on the path to home video ownership.