Written Correspondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof
Dear Axes & Alleys,
I thought “My Many Swords” was cute, you know, that the author actually thought to write about their use of fake swords. We all do it when we’re young, but you never really think about it now a days. It was neat how he could remember and connect together all of the different fake swords he used throughout his life. I don’t know, I can’t really explain it. It was just cute.
Rev. Arielle Cornchowder
Flagpole, Ponderada
To the Editors, Axes & Alleys,
Hey wow. Sweet review. Thanks Jeremy!
Doug Marvin
Dirty On Purpose
Dear A&A,
I don’t know if you’re aware of the Dr. Keith Ablow Show, but it’s certainly aware of one of your favorite subjects: Dustin Diamond (Jared Diamond/Dustin Diamond, Vol. 456-BR7 Issue 13). In an effort to become more like all of the other bland midmorning talk shows from the past 20 years, the show revisited the theme of child stars and how they’ve screwed up their lives. Dustin was on and very proud of his manager/girlfriend. He also made a passing reference to the size of his pancreas (I think). Anyway, you might like to tape that show next time it’s on or something. Unfortunately Terry McWhorty wasn’t on the show. You probably saw him in the popular 1970s sitcom Mayor Dipples, in which he played Tommy Dipples, the mayor’s irrepressible son.
James Oglethorpe
Savannah, GA
Axes & Alleys,
A lot of people made fun of me for my comments on the Senate floor about the internet being a series of tubes. But did you know that I voted not guilty on the perjury charge brought against Bill Clinton during his impeachment trial in the Senate? I was also one of the Flying Tigers. That should make everything cool, right?
Senator Ted Stevens
Girdwood, AK
To the Editors,
Do you actually do anything at all anymore? I see all the regular feature writers working hard and, of course, Ms. R. Grunion is the best Editor-in- Chief of the last half-century. But reading over last month’s issue, I couldn’t help but notice that those other two editors of yours weren’t contributing much to the magazine.
Jon Stewart
New York, NY
To The Historigon Editor,
Sir, your entry for the conception of Artabana taking place during Justinuary of 21 AD is incorrect. Sauren the Parthian sired Artabana this month. Also, he used severed Roman heads to impress girls, not captured helmets as you claim.
Violet Blue
Neekerbreeker, CA
Dear Axes & Alleys,
Your Justinuary cover model, Irene, sure is dreamy. Can you please let me know how to get in touch with her? Also, do you have plaster casts of her feet?
Tom Baker
Turnbridge Wells, UK
A&A Dudes,
I spent several weeks with a dollar bill attempting to forge the signature of the Secretary of the Treasury. I still can’t do it very well. I’ve got the Treasurer of the United States’ signature down pat, though. It comes in handy when I have to sign in at the front desks of buildings and forging checks.
Mary-Louise Parker
New York, NY
Dear Editors,
I have to say your “No Punning” sticker from Sticker Page this month is excellent. I keep one stuck to my shirt whenever I’m around my father and he hasn’t punned once. Thank you!
George W. Bush
Washington, DC
