Lobby, Greenland- Because of mounting financial troubles Greenland, the world’s largest island, has been relocated to a storefront in downtown Richland, Elizabethia. After years of mounting debt leading to its impending bankruptcy, the Greenland Executive Management Service this week announced the implementation of a retrenching strategy.
Haarf Goodmansdottir, acting representative for GEMS, stated in a press release: “Most people don’t realize how expensive it is to operate the world’s seventh largest landmass 24 hours a day, six days a week. In order to continue doing business we shall be moving all operations to a new, inexpensive location. We apologize for the disruption in service, but we’re moving effective immediately. Any further whaling or wife swapping needs are being handled through transitional offices in Iceland.”
Greenland’s old location measured 2,166,086 square kilometers, much of it ice covered. The new Greenland will take up only 2500 square feet of commercial space, including a back storage room, a lobby and a fully-functional half-bath. A few of Greenland’s larger towns, including Nanortalik, Paamuit, Sisimuit and Qaanaaq Thule have been transferred to a four-tiered aluminum shelf for safekeeping until the landmass can solve its financial problems.
Mount Gunnbjorn, at 3700 meters the island’s highest point, has been replaced with a new highest point: an eleven foot tiled ceiling. Unfortunately, a few of Greenland’s fifty thousand people have been laid-off as the bunks in the storage room can only accommodate four, or eight if they don’t mind sharing.
Yes, There is a Drinking Fountain: The new Greenland will be open for business sometime in the early days of the Second Quarter of 2007. Be sure to check out the videos. They even have a copy of Deep Space 9, Season 2.
Greenland’s new cashier (and former Prime Minister) Hans Enoksen, told reporters “After all the trouble we’ve had financially and with Denmark and the EU, it’ll be nice to have a new set of neighbors. We are looking forward to a cordial relationship with the Day ‘n’ Nite Deli and the Happy Smiles Nail Salon.”
The ice-covered landmass in the Atlantic is currently vacant, although both Sinonipponesia and Disney have reportedly made offers. Like many other islands, the former site of Greenland is surrounded on all sides by water, which analysts believe makes it especially attractive to Disney.
“This is a difficult time, but one filled with the opportunity to sell used furniture and appliances,” stated one member of the Landstinget. “While we have lost the world’s largest island, we have gained a Parcheesi set which the old tenants left behind. I look forward to a few games in the coming weeks, especially because those dice cups are so much fun.”
If the new used goods operation is successful, Greenland plans to implement a rent-to-own DVD business and pay for one employee to take classes towards a bachelors degree in notary public.
Greenland will no longer be just another place, but an all-inclusive destination offering the chance to purchase a slightly-worn recliner, have signed documents made official, and get on the path to home video ownership.