New Comics
Reply
Monthly Archives: January 2007
Noble Gasses
How to Build a Portable Music Player
How to Do It with LeMuel LeBratt
with Permanent Guest Columnist Marcia Spatzelberg
Everyone enjoys listening to the music of a talented symphony orchestra. Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to listen to that music when you are away from a concertorium or dance hall? Sure, record players are now available and they will allow you to listen to the works of great orchestralist composers in your own domicile, but such players do not offer the option of portable playback. Wouldn’t it be great if you could listen to your favorite arrangements of music when you were out walking, shopping or passing the time on a cable car? Now it is possible! Just follow these easy steps and you will be on the go. On the go with music, that is.
What you’ll need:
- 1 record player or hi-fi system
- 2 loudspeakers
- 1 scissors
- 16 feet of stereo cable
- 1 bridle harness or other small collection of leather straps (make sure it fits comfortably around your head)
- 1 set of clamps or pliers
- 1 straight razor (with handle)
- 1 car battery
- 1 roll of duct tape
- 2 lemon fruities
1. First, locate the power cord on your record player. It should be the cord-shaped whatsit exiting the back of the player and terminating in a pronged bit. Cut off the prong bit off using the scissors and use the straight razor to strip off approximately two inches of the plastic covering. Separate the two wires.
2. Wrap the wires around the terminals of the car battery. Clamp them down and use clips if necessary. Some car batteries feature screw caps on the terminals for ease in securing wires. Discard these.
3. Secure the speaker cables to the record player’s output terminals. Clamp them into the input lines of the loud speakers.
4. Attach the loudspeakers to the bridle harness and tighten it around your head so that the speakers are facing in toward your ears.
5. Tape the car battery to the side of the record player.
6. Unwrap your lemon fruities.
Yes, it’s that easy. Now just pick up the record player, put on your favorite disc and then strut down your local street in style with a cool, portable soundtrack to accompany you and your lemon fruities. Have fun.
Homo Sapien
Our Guide to Novenclature: Part III
Newly Formulated Words to Describe the Previously Indescribable
Misingenious (n): One who, by accident, routinely tells lies to the wrong person.
Sibrate (v. regular): The act of emitting a hissing sound through the lips in a failed attempt at whistling.
Visent (n): A blank, or unemotional, expression used in the playing of poker.
Rotacussion (n): A drum beat which resembles the sound of a motor or engine, specifically that of a rotary wing aircraft.
Chimley (adj.): Pertaining to or resembling an old, battered, useless kite.
Lunution (n): The exact month within which a republic or democracy is transformed into an empire via the actions of a powerful individual politician.
Tyle (v. regular): To urinate while sitting down.
Gathe (n): The smell of burnt hair. Gæthic (adj.): That which has a smell resembling burnt hair.
Senthadure (n): A basketball game wherein both competing teams’ scores require the use of a three digit number to be tallied.
Anicathate (v. he anithates, she anithates, they anithate / he anithated, she anithated, they anicathed / he anican, she anicana, they will anicathatia): The act of a Vice Admiral opening a car door for a Rear Admiral on a Tuesday afternoon.
Bant (n): An accumulation of bottle caps in a trash receptacle.
Thereout (prep.): Used to distinguish an object which is near two conversers and an object which is more distance from the two observers.
Sogria (n): The warm burning sensation which accompanies and immediately follows the consumption of intoxicating liquors.
Tympasogria (n): The similar sensation manifested in the blood vessels and tissues of the outer ear.
Litholeazation (n): The slowly dawning realization that an object one believed was a rock is actually a dirt clod.
Orlumate (v. regular): The act of placing one’s mouth around the end of a flashlight in order to allow the light to create an orange glow while passing through the translucent flesh of the cheeks.
Wrist (v. regular): To mutter a non-sensible phrase to oneself while in deep thought, or while ruminating on a subject or memory of great personal importance.
Dubniumesque (adj.): Pertaining to, related to, or identified with atomic element number 105.
Carusiohnipistle (n): A correspondence which is written in order to terminate a romantic relationship.
Oot (v. regular): The act of grasping another person’s leg, thigh or knee as a sign of sexual attraction.
Aldarss (n): An exclamation uttered while watching a Zeppelin burst into flames.
Coulromal (n): A sad or clinically depressed clown.
Jaep (v. regular): The act of reading a collection of new words off of a website.