Everyone loves a good excuse to dress up all slutty. Halloween’s as good an excuse as any, I guess. Of course, there are many problems with the usual sexy costumes.

Take for instance the sexy bee costume in the above picture. The reproductive life of the common European honeybee Apis mellifera is such that only a small portion of a hive population is involved in the mating act. The vast majority of bees are non-reproducing workers. Why would a worker need to look sexy? It can’t mate and hence does not need to display its sexual characteristics. Most awful is the fact that the sexy bee costume seems designed to accent the woman’s breasts. This is utterly silly; bees do not have mammary glands. So few people put thought into their costumes.

Sexy pirates, cops, firemen, gun molls, witches, vampires, and nurses are clichéd and hackneyed at best. This Halloween, as you celebrate the convergence of the netherworld with our plane of existence, why not try one of these sexy costumes:

• Architect
• Chairperson
• Records Clerk
• Human Resources Director
• Lab Technician
• City Planner
• Prospector
• Zoning Comission Member
• Event Coordinator
• Senator from Kansas
• Merchandising Associate
• MRI Technician
• Copy Machine Repairperson
• Congressional Aide
• Press Spokesperson
• Graphic Artist
• News Anchor
• Chartered Accountant
• Assistant Archivist
• Talent Manager
• Driving Instructor
• Gardener
• Valve Inspector

And don’t forget that everyone loves a sexy Regional Development Coordinator or a slutty Information Technology Specialist.

Note: Watch out for razor blades in your trick-or-treat candy, and have a safe, fun Halloween.