Monthly Archives: January 2006

Poetry

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by H.G. Peterson

H.G. Peterson

While I was Strolling in a Park

Cultures may collapse and go for many diverse reasons:
Poor crop growth and yield due to the colder winter seasons;
Ignorant they don’t adapt to climate alteration;
As a result of conquest or extreme deforestation

Consider Easter Island with its famous statue heads
Once a complex society but mostly wound up dead
Getting rid of all the trees might once have seemed a notion
Yet here they now are gone because of massive soil erosion

Norse Greenland held promise because Vikings loved to farm
And little did they realize that cute sheep would do them harm
Constant fights with Inuit, the chilling of the Earth
After 1300 of the Vikings there’s a dearth

Mayans were before our time a mighty New World nation
The ones who had a proud and literate civilization
Some war, some drought, some fighting in the proudest noble classes
Leaves nothing of the Maya but poor ruins under grasses

And of course this modern world still faces these same troubles
Will our cities all endure, or will they end in rubble?
Environment and population problems must be solved
Lest we all die out for our failure to stand and evolve

We will see if we can reach a pinnacle most high
Or if like the ol’ Aztecs we’ll collapse and then all die

The March of Progress: January 2006

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Torpedo Penguins Disrupt Katharinetowne

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Not Related to This Story: A Soviet Tu-22M Backfire bomber.

Grand Pine Square: One of Katharinetowne’s busiest commercial sectors was disrupted earlier Monday by a newly unveiled form of Torpedo Penguin. These then unknown models featured scram-screw propulsion and a revolutionary new form of advanced magnetic aero-sonar. While witnesses reported the general negativity felt by those present at the time of the disruption, most were still visibly awed by the Super Torpedo Penguins.

Though they still suffer from many of the same targeting problems which plagued the earlier models, the Torpedo Penguins have been judged “sleek and impressive” by an independent panel of experts. Those involved were unable to show causation, although it has been known for years that there is a strong correlation between the appearance of Torpedo Penguins and the incidence of Alzheimer’s disease.

Some have attempted to link this current Torpedo Penguin situation to the increase in rice and alfalfa subsidies for West Dakotan farmers, but experts on the geopolitical ramifications of Torpedo Penguins are in general agreement that Icelandic deforestation in the Middle Ages, coupled with the rise of Punkabilly music and blender usage among Swiss dental hygienists may be a more proximate cause.

Radar from the Grand Pine Square monitoring towers has reported a generally decreasing B.M.I, or body mass index, among the new forms of the Torpedo Penguins, despite a recent poll which indicated that 73% of American machinists believed that Torpedo Penguin B.M.I. had reached its lowest possible level three years ago.

The Supreme Court (SCOTUS) voted 5-4 to uphold legislation condemning Torpedo Penguin monitoring, despite the popularity of “Sally’s Law” in many districts. The U.S. Coast Guard will continue is Airship Patrols over the Great Lakes Region throughout the rest of the summer. The current Torpedo Penguin Warning Level for the Midwest has now been reduced to “Moderately Cautious (Lime).”

All About Canada

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A Salute to Our Northern Neighbors

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Canada is a nation that should have been located above 54º40’. It is the northernmost country and the second largest in area. It has pristine forests, abundant fisheries, wild Arctic-adapted peoples and a rather large tower. These and many other great things notwithstanding, it should be noted that Canada absurdly lacks a tradition of bushido.

Indeed at no point in Canadian history has there existed a single Shogunate. Astoundingly, there was never even a competing collection of nobles; each one seeking to gain dominion over Kyoto and the Imperial House. Canada has failed to have any Samurai at all and, except for a poorly-documented case in 1847, has not even had Ronin.

Often lauded for their participation in Allied operations during World War II, it is a hypocritically overlooked fact that the Canadians lacked any sense of kokutai. No accounts exist in all the extant documentation of that conflict wherein a Canadian kamikaze fulfilled his glorious destiny in the personal destruction of a German aircraft carrier. Nor, in any engagement, did the Canadian Fleet bloom as flowers in death.

Canada, while full of commerce, possesses no zaibatsu. Not a one! Failed Canadians never properly honour their families and cleanse themselves through the ceremony of hara kiri. Canada’s legislative body wasn’t even influenced, in part or in whole, by the German Reichstag.

Some Fun Facts About Canada

  • Canada is not made up of the four major islands of Honshu, Hokkaido, Kyushu, and Shikoku.
  • The Canadian flag does not show the Rising Sun, because its rulers did not descend from the Sun Gods at the dawn of time.
  • Not once in Canadian history has a Divine Wind defended Canada from a Mongol invasion. Pretty sad considering the fact that some countries have had this happen twice.
  • In the 1930s Canada did not set up a puppet state in Manchukuo.
  • Canada never defeated Russia in the early part of the 20th Century; because of this Canada has never gained control of the Manchurian railroads.
  • No Canadian ruler ever instituted the Meiji Restoration.
  • When given the opportunity, Canada did not base its written language upon that of the Chinese.
  • Famous National Film Board of Canada animator Norman McLaren never could get the hang of drawing larger than normal human eyes.
  • The only MacArthur to visit Canada was the inanely-named Arthur MacArthur.
  • No serious historian has ever written about Medieval Canada.
  • In the face of common sense, no Canadian film maker has ever directed an Akira Kurosawa film. One country even managed to produce 32 Akira Kurosawa films.

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