The March of Progress: January 2006

Torpedo Penguins Disrupt Katharinetowne

backfire

Not Related to This Story: A Soviet Tu-22M Backfire bomber.

Grand Pine Square: One of Katharinetowne’s busiest commercial sectors was disrupted earlier Monday by a newly unveiled form of Torpedo Penguin. These then unknown models featured scram-screw propulsion and a revolutionary new form of advanced magnetic aero-sonar. While witnesses reported the general negativity felt by those present at the time of the disruption, most were still visibly awed by the Super Torpedo Penguins.

Though they still suffer from many of the same targeting problems which plagued the earlier models, the Torpedo Penguins have been judged “sleek and impressive” by an independent panel of experts. Those involved were unable to show causation, although it has been known for years that there is a strong correlation between the appearance of Torpedo Penguins and the incidence of Alzheimer’s disease.

Some have attempted to link this current Torpedo Penguin situation to the increase in rice and alfalfa subsidies for West Dakotan farmers, but experts on the geopolitical ramifications of Torpedo Penguins are in general agreement that Icelandic deforestation in the Middle Ages, coupled with the rise of Punkabilly music and blender usage among Swiss dental hygienists may be a more proximate cause.

Radar from the Grand Pine Square monitoring towers has reported a generally decreasing B.M.I, or body mass index, among the new forms of the Torpedo Penguins, despite a recent poll which indicated that 73% of American machinists believed that Torpedo Penguin B.M.I. had reached its lowest possible level three years ago.

The Supreme Court (SCOTUS) voted 5-4 to uphold legislation condemning Torpedo Penguin monitoring, despite the popularity of “Sally’s Law” in many districts. The U.S. Coast Guard will continue is Airship Patrols over the Great Lakes Region throughout the rest of the summer. The current Torpedo Penguin Warning Level for the Midwest has now been reduced to “Moderately Cautious (Lime).”

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