Jared Diamond / Dustin Diamond

Recently I had the opportunity to watch the Saved by the Bell episode “Aloha Slater” in which Slater must decide between moving to Hawaii and staying in Bayside. Of course this idea of decisions of destiny is also a constant theme of the new book Collapse: How Societies Choose to Fail or Succeed. Ultimately it got me to thinking on the various coincidences concerning the intertwining lives of renowned author and biohistorian Jared Diamond and award-winning thespian Dustin Diamond. The similarities between the two titans should be obvious to anyone, assuming, as I do, that we are all avid students of biogeography and avid viewers of Saved by the Bell. The coincidences in the lives of these two well-known and celebrated celebrities border on near-eerie:

Jared Diamond Dustin Diamond
Spent much time in New Guinea studying its indigenous fauna, peoples and its history. Played the character of Screech on a television show.
Has written many books which explore history from a biological perspective. Besides being on a TV show, he also does stand-up comedy.
Is aprofessor of geology at UCLA. Was born in 1977.
Won a Pulitzer Prize for his remarkable tome Guns, Germs and Steel. Produced the video Dustin Diamond Teaches Chess.
Has published over two hundred articles in Nature, Discover and Geo. Screech on Saved by the Bell was named Samuel Powers.
Is an expert on typewriter design, avian evolution and feudal Japan. Played Screech on the TV show Saved by the Bell.
Once wrote a scientific paper entitled Ethnic Differences: Variation in Human Testis Size. Had a cameo in a David Spade movie.
Speaks over twelve languages. Spades and Diamonds are both playing card suits.

Hard to believe they’re two separate people!

Billionaire Breaks Records!

LaGuardia

QUEENS, USA: Thousands of aviation fans came out to LaGuardia International Airport (LGA) today to cheer for billionaire-industrialist Daniel Bester as he completed the last leg of his now-famous Cross-Borough Flight.

Earlier today Bester took off from New York-Newark Airport (EWR) in his experimental craft, the DB-1, and completed the full circuit across Manhattan in a record four minutes before landing in Queens.

Based on earlier designs, the DB-1 features a plethora of new bits of advanced technology, including an especially ergonomic cockpit. Many in the Military-Industrial Complex have high hopes that the DB-1 can help turn the tide of the war. Bester Aircraft and Asterstar, a Daniel Bester Inc. Company, have been known for decades as leaders in the aviation and aerospace industries.

Though Daniel Bester was quickly whisked away by his agents before the crowd could even catch a glimpse of him, his spokesmen were quick to issue a statement declaring that Mr. Bester had “No Comment.”

Rival Billionaire and aviation enthusiast Richard Branson, who had been in a fierce competition with Bester over the Cross-Borough Flight record, was found dead in his hotel room earlier this morning, his death the result of an apparent-drug-overdose-themed murder.

Bester Flies

Letters: January 2006

Written Correspondences from Good Natured Gentlemen Who Have Read Our Previous Installments and Wish to Comment on Some Aspects Thereof

Dear Axes and Alleys,

Why do so many of your magazines contain articles on dairy and meat in the same issue? I’d love to read your fine publication, but so many of your issues are utterly treif. Why not put out a special milchik issue? Far too often your magazine is just written by a bunch of useless momzers and paskudniaks. Try to be more poretz in the future and remember the six thirteen.

Stan Stevenson
Baltimore, Rhode Island.
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