Answers from a Dead Aztec

Each month Montezuma, world famous dead Aztec ruler, gives out free information to those who request it. Recently, he was featured on the hit Fox reality show Dakota’s Bester.

Dear Montezuma,
I am a lonely forty three year old bachelor who lives with my mother. It is really depressing because I have no friends. My only “friends” are Babylon 5 characters that I think of as friends and who I talk to and eat lunch with sometimes (I put their pictures at the table while I eat and pretend to converse with them). Yes, I have no real friends. I can’t seem to make any friends either. I’ve tried all sorts of ways to make friends; tin, molded plastic, even Radio Shack kits, but I can never make any friends, even when I weld. What should I do? Oren B. Watson
F. B. I. (Female Breast Inspector, ha ha ha)

Oren,
I don’t really like you Oren B. Watson. There is something truly malignant in your quest for “friends.” I find it very selfish and greedy. Have you considered the great many persons across this blighted plane we call home who do not have friends? Well? Have you considered this? Here’s Oren B. Watson and his Big Ol’ Shopping Bag of Greed. Oren B. Watson, the pustule man who came and took the friends away. Children and goats will become immobile with loathing at your farthest approach. Great cold winds will sweep the continents because here comes Oren B. Watson, the Robber Barron of the friend market. Take a moment from your avaricious quest to dominate others and contemplate the needs of others. For once in your life.

Dear Montezuma,
My garden is continually out of dirt. Every time I go out to inspect it, the dirt has run out again and there’s nothing but gasping plants. How much dirt should a garden eat on a normal basis? My garden seems to go through dirt at an alarming rate. Is there some sort of dirt dispenser that automatically replaces the dirt my plants eat on a daily basis? I’m getting tired of all this dirt.
Steven J. Phrie

Steven,
You might want to try looking at the sole of a shoe some time. In fact, look at the sole of several different shoes. You’ll notice many fine patterns. Some have diamond shapes, some little tablet looking protrusions, some even have metal bits in them. Put a pair on and walk through a puddle. Then track dirty water across your floor and let it dry. Then you can take a nice steady look at the sole pattern of the shoe. Butcher paper can be purchased in many general stores. Get some and use a pencil to create a rubbing of the sole. Use it as a decorative wall hanging. Seems like a good idea for an afternoon, no?

Dear Montezuma,
What is the deal with rice?
Condi Rice,
US Secretary of State

Thank you Condi!
I’ve simply been waiting for ages to hear someone (or in this case read someone) ask that question. Rice is a staple crop in many countries located around Eastern and South Eastern Asialand. I know your specialty is Eastern Europe and Russia, so perhaps you were unaware of many of the wonderful properties of rice. Firstly, it’s a really great material for throwing. Secondly, it’s great for sticking to the edge of pots. I also, personally (as a person) like to glue it to things and color the bits in with crayon. I’ve won a couple of Second Place and Honorable Mention prizes doing such things. Perhaps the deal with rice is that it’s a happy grain. If you ever strike up a conversation with rice, you’ll notice this fact immediately. Always a kind word with rice. Always a tasteful joke. Once some rice bought me a pair of pants. See, that’s the kind of person that rice is.

Dear Montezuma,
You seem to know quite a bit about everything. Is it possible that you could manufacture a grape that was so tasty that even you would eat it? How great are your powers? Are they beyond level 4? Level 5 or above? Please let me know, I need to know to settle a bar bet.
Lou Gambrino

Lou,
the best way to settle a bar bet is with cash. Most bettors in bars don’t take credit.

Great Montezuma,
My friend Gary and I were talking the other day.
Johnny Gomez

P.S. I forgot to mention that we were talking about that old television show with the cat that belonged to the guy with a mechanical body who always fought those giant plant machines with buzzsaws and then changed into common household kitchen appliances created by wizards from the year 4450. Is it true that this show was created by a well known Belgian animation house?

Mr. Gomez,
You seem to have confused me with some latent homosexual Chicago column writer who can’t be bothered to do his own research anymore. It’s as if you expect some snooty, erudite response masked as common, blue-collar bonhomie. Maybe you believe I’m going to read this letter and turn it over to my sycophantic cadre of chained research staff who then turn around and do a cursory search on an interconnected network search engine, like you and “Gary” should have done. You got the wrong guy here, buddy. Let’s skip the coarse language here and move on to the real issue. You, me and all the readers of this column know that Gary is actually you. Your embarrassment at the content of your question has led you, like so many sex column advice seekers and money-grubbing pulp novel writers, to assume a second personality. You know this personality is not real and that it has horrible taste in underclothing, bad skin and an inability to properly boil an egg. In the future I, Montezuma II, would appreciate some higher quality questions. This month’s batch of communiques has been of horrid quality (and the perfume used to scent some of them was obviously a drug store impulse purchase, a choice made hastily over the Nutty Buddy Bath and Chocolate bar which is eminently more useful). In the future, try a little harder.