Advertisements: December 2003

Posted on December 26, 2003 by Jeremy Rosen

Shadow

Our Guide to Novenclature: Part I

Posted on December 26, 2003 by Jeremy Rosen

Illuminated Novenclature

radgerbadger, alt. radgerbadgery: (N): a continuous and boisterous bustle.

novenclature: (N) a collection of new or novel words.

centraenious: (adj.) of or about, pertaining to the meaning of life.

infaction: (N) the act or state of being the first to accomplish an insignificant task or deed.

infact: (V) to accomplish a task of a minor nature in the primal fashion within a particularly defined set.

Conjugation: I did infaect. I am infacta. I will infact. He infaect. He is infacto. He will infact. They infaect. They are infaecti. The will infact.

deulapainry: (N) of, about, or pertaining to sandwiches.

Xenosprimt: (N) An unknowable and uninvolved, mathematically minded creator of a cosmos, who takes no personal interest in the lives or feelings of the sentient beings or other entities which inhabit said cosmos. The “God” spoken of by a person who upholds the Deist philosophy.

parapheme: (V; reg.) the act of uttering a blasphemous expletive, the antecedent of which is rooted in a religion which the utterer does not follow.

bellamure: (V; reg.) the act of punching a hole through a wall.

bellamurequence: (N) a hole which has been punched through a wall.

crattera: (N) the sound of hot water running through radiator pipes in the early hours of the morning in an otherwise still abode.

enimachic: (adj.) having a speech pattern which resembles the sound of a locomotive engine.

chronocator: (N) one who must, by compulsatory motivation, continually check the time.

sonuate: (N) the sound resulting from the opening of a carbonated beverage.

palloralate: (V; reg.) to purse one’s lips whilst reading.

glutambulate: (V; reg.) to arrange one’s gluttal area so as to emit flatulence inconspicuously.

elapquipitory: (adj.) in the manner of baseless choosiness between two or more similar beverages.

flumpor: (N) the sound of smoking a cigarette.

flumpar: (V) to make obvious sounds while smoking a cigarette.
Conjugation: I flumparr. I am flump. I will flumpar. He flumparr. He is flump. He will flumpar. They flumparri. They are flumper. They will flumpar.

orninathix: (N) a specious or inane debate.

labeola: (V; reg.) the licking of a nipple in a sexual fashion.

aureolate: (V; reg.) the licking of a nipple in a non-sexual fashion.

macrofactor: (N) a person working in a menial capacity who attributes undue importance to themselves.

exoburban: (adj.) the portion of a territory on the periphery between urban and suburban, or between suburban and rural areas.

prophemism: (N) an expletive meaning exactly what it says. The antonym of euphemism.

aroundtothrough: (prep.) indicating a going around, to, and through something in a linear fashion.

capracious: (adj.) in a goatlike manner.

shoe: (V; reg.) to stick a finger in one’s own eye and scream.

sonambumate: (V; reg.) to fornicate while sleepwalking.

vestitry: (N) that which is related to the manufacture of vests or vest related material.

morpheavoiture: (N) a car which appears in a dream.

cannisaleatorornamentum: (N) a picture of dogs playing poker.

Entertainments for Learned Gentlemen

Posted on December 26, 2003 by Jeremy Rosen

A Philosophical Discourse
By Ludwig “Red” Sampers

Red Sampers

Position: Third Base
Career Average: .248
RBI: 125
HR: 27
YKFFPL: 0.
1901-1903 Poughkeepsie Pirates
1903-1908 Norfolk Mariners
1909-1919 Staten Island Jackhawks
1920-1922 Salt Lake City Plaid Stockings

Now, a funny thing about the Universe, is that within it there are many separate entities which in themselves function as entities, and that when extrapolated become no more a part of themselves than a part of the whole. Well now, that didn’t make any sense. Okay, you see, the Universe, is composed of five elements, or entities, not to be confused with the dimensions, of which there are twenty six , or possible ten, or maybe five, something along those lines, I’m not entirely sure. Wait, I’m diverging a bit. Okay, five elements, and these are matter, energy, time, space and entropy. Now, I know you’re saying that time doesn’t exist. Well, it doesn’t, except below the fourth dimension, but anyway, time of course is a figment of the imagination and exists only in the minds of the lower creatures as a means of perceiving the flow of entropy. So, nix on time then, so there are really four elements, matter, energy, space and entropy.

Now, space is also a bit of a problem, because as we all know that the Universe can be condensed into a singularity, at which point space would be compacted into a non-spatial dimension, the zero dimension, or a singularity, you know, a point with no dimensions. Now, if you expand the Universe from a non dimension point it grows to fill said area, however the very essence of space was compacted within the singularity, so what then does the Universe expand into? Nothing. Therefore, space is nothing, and cannot exist.

So, we have three elements left, matter, energy, and entropy. Now, without a space to exist within, matter and energy cannot exist, which means we are left with only one part, which is entropy. And, since entropy is the change and motion of matter and energy, it cannot exist, since neither matter nor energy exist, since they don’t have anywhere to be. Where does that leave us then? The Universe has no elements, since time, space, matter, energy, and entropy cannot exist logically. Hence, since the Universe has no elements, then it has no existence. Therefore, young students, if you wish to know the nature of the Universe, then here is your answer: nothing. The Universe doesn’t exist, can’t exist, and has never existed.

vests

A Specialized Editorial by an Automatonal Conquistador

Posted on December 26, 2003 by Jeremy Rosen

BY CENTURION; A CYLON

a cylon
This particular Centurion Cylon is very interested in 20th Century American politics.

I thought that I would make this about congress. old people always yell about how congress is bad, we have elections every year, so you can see how this affects our daily lives. I decided not to even mention that congress is not real because everone already knows that. Congressmen are fake just like elves, vumpires, and dinosaurs. But if you could be in Congress here are some of the perks.

First of all you get to PHILIBUSTER. For those who are stupid philibustering is when a senator will get up and talk for hours to keep a bill from getting voted on. The record is held by Strom Thurman for 24 hours. Now I do give this guy credit simce he is 645 years old, but all you could do was 24 hours?!

Let me in the senate. With coffee I could stay up forever. I could think of at least a year’s worth of stuff to talk about. And if you get stumped or out of ideas just say one word for a few days. Think about it, “No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No No” for 72 hours. Bring on the No-Doze.

Second you get bribes. Lobyists pay you to vote a certain way. Money. Just get the maximum five thousand for the Row vs Wade bill and every other bill that’s voted on. Think about it you get five grand for voting yes on the dog leash laws in Hicktown, Idaho. If congress votes on a thousand laws a term thats 5,000,000 in your pocket. Totaly free. congress is cool!

Save 'n' Such