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Tag Archives: Scott Birdseye
Hangovers
The March of Progress: Maine 2006
With the introduction of Filaxal®, pharmaceutical giant NuLife hopes to cure boredom once and for all. Studies have shown that an estimated 98% of Americans suffer from Intermittent Deficient Excitement Syndrome (IDES). It is estimated that IDES greatly lowers quality of life and can be induced by such activities as work, school or Sunday afternoons. During IDES attacks people simply lose interest in life and their surroundings. Traditional, old-fashioned homeopathic treatments like board or video games, puzzles, television, eating, reading, sodomy or television can have little to no positive effect on IDES patients’ overall wellness outcomes. Filaxal® is able to utilize the unique chemical molecule tetrahydrocannabinol (C21H30O2 ) to “trick” the brain’s chemical receptors, allowing a sense of therapeutic entertainment to be experineced during even the most horridly mundane of activities. Cleaning out the garage or even visiting the grandparents can be made enjoyable with a single dose of Filaxal®. The NuLife Company spokesperson Albert stated in a faxed communiqué that “…Filaxal® is entertainment, Filaxal® is fun, Filaxal® will cure boredom forever.” Hopefully that will be the case. With the drug trials completed, Filaxal® is due to hit the U.S. consumer market just in time for summer break.
Pluto
News of the World: Maine 2006
Aboard the research vessel Prettyboy no one seems particularly worried. There are abundant sandwiches and coffee, several decks of cards and a Chinese knock-off video game console. There are also abundant hypotheses; many hypotheses have been tossed about since last Tuesday and there will certainly be many more to come. There were already twelve at breakfast and two while the crew was busy playing bocce ball.
“We’re not ruling out a vortex of some sort,” stated perky, young graduate student Lucy Wormwood, “or even a Tectonic Incident.” Ham and cheese wielding Associate Professor of Geography Daniel Gearbox was quick to add “Those hypotheses are only about physical phenomena. It’s possible that the Red Chinese, or even the Japanese or Mexicans have some sort of super-weapon at their disposal. Someone…”
“Or some thing” interrupted Lucy, who then defiantly added two packets of artificial sweetener to her coffee. “Some thing” she repeated, carefully putting extra emphasis on the ‘thing’ element. Then she made a sort of spooky expression before sipping her java.