Tag Archives: Scott Birdseye

Ask Montezuma: Fabuly 2007

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It’s the Anwer Man from Tenochtitlan

montezuma

Montezuma is a village in Mercer County,
Ohio, United States. The population was
191 at the 2000 census.

Dear Montezuma,
I’m confused. My mother and I went out to the local bar to pick up some guys. She ordered a Cape Cod from the bar tender and got what looked like a vodka and cranberry juice. When I asked her what was in it, she said vodka and cranberry juice. Why call it a Cape Cod?
Tresa Green
Westbury, UK

TG, you certainly are confused. Young women are not supposed to go out with their mothers to pick up some guys. Humans are, for the most part, a monogamous species. You should each have been going out to pick up a guy.

Montezuma,
I am absolutely, personally rabid about the use of the words luck and miracle. While both are used idiomatically throughout the English language, I particularly despise the English language, preferring to converse in Esperanto. I’m trying to rid my vocabulary of the former, but since I am a skeptic of some note, I of course must use miracle quite often. Is there some way I could avoid this?
Phil Plait
Rhonert Park, CA

Oh dear Philly, I have also encountered this problem. I have used the word luck in print on no fewer than three occasions. What a travesty! A close friend, a neurosurgeon, suggested an experimental method by which the exact location of the word luck in the brain was located and destroyed, however many of the test subjects have subsequently been unable to recall the words for inconsequential, love, and have subsequently lost their sense of humor. Being a funny person myself, I certainly did not wish to subject myself to such a procedure. The easiest method I have discovered is to endeavor to speak less.

Dear Montezuma,
I have trouble remembering how to spell collannder. Can you help?
Maria Debarkes
New York, NY

c-a-u-l-i-f-l-o-w-e-r

Hiya Moctezuma,
(See, I used Moctezuma because I know my Azteca.) I have only three days to live. Should I count those days from sunrise to sunrise, or from civil twilight to civil twilight?
Kris Kristofferson.
Nashville, TN

It’s wonderful to receive celebrity requests for advice, Kris. I’d like to take this opportunity to agree with you in your activism against chaining pregnant women to heavy objects and throwing them in the water to drown, as depicted in your recent song “In The News.” It takes an incredibly brave man to stand up and speak out against the obvious evils in the world. Chains should never be wasted in such a fashion.

Dear Montezuma,
I’ve been a platinum blonde for many years now, but I’m thinking of a change. Do you think red hair would look good on me? If so, would it enhance my journalism to have red hair and a lighter shade of lipstick?
Xeni Jardin
The Internet

Xeni, Xeni, Xeni, hair color has much more effect on climate change, so I would consider it from this perspective. You see, your current do is light, and hence more reflective across the electromagnetic spectrum, especially visible and infrared light. Darker hair will absorb more light, making sure that such energy stays within the ecosphere of the planet Earth. Scientists call the Pillatory-Refraction-Reflection Proportion, designated by the Hebrew letter Shin. For instance, average platinum blonde hair has a PRRP of Shin 2. Red hair, by contrast, has a PRRP of Shin 1.7. Please, help the planet and your fellows out by retaining the platinum blonde look.

Dear Montezuma,
I’m in sixth grade and in math class I always get the multiplicand mixed up with George Washington. Do you have a handy way for me to remember which is which?
Betty Bonaparte
Bellesville, LA

BB, I didn’t tell you this, but you can write on the palm of your hand that George Washington is not a multiplicand. When your teacher isn’t looking, take a quick peek at your hand to make sure you know what’s what. But, of course, if you get caught, I’ll deny everything when they try to give me detention.

Montezuma,
What kind of manifold would I need for a series 3 Leviathan mulch driver?
Calumny Percopints
Santa Rosa, CA

A tractor manifold would be best.

Monty,
Dude, I don’t get it. Why do they call it Miller Genuine Draft when it comes in a bottle? Isn’t draft beer supposed to come out of a spigot or something?
Rebecca Miller
New York, NY

Becky, there is so much pressure in each bottle of Miller Genuine Draft (over 800 psi), that when opening the bottle a noticeable draft can be detected. Never forget that often words can have several meanings.

Dear Montezuma,
When Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. references the Lima Turkey-Trot, what is he talking about?
Thomas Kuhn
Cambridge, MA

The Lima Turkey-Trot was a dance developed by H. Roman Lipinski in Cincinnati, OH. It built cumulatively on the Dragon Run, Pensacola Possum Pouch, Clamtastidance, and Chattanooga Whore Hustle. Some prominent features included an extended, arms akimbo twirling, a third degree semi-goose step, and a complicated buttocks bob-nasal flange maneuver. The Lima Turkey-Trot fell out of popularity around 1959, when it was replaced by the Goiter Throb and related dances.

Dear Montezuma,
I have two coins in my hand that add up to 11 cents. One is not a dime.
Vinnie Magic
Jorgensen, NJ

That’s nice, Vinnie.

montys hints

How to Make Your Own Stained Glass Decorations

Stained glass windows can be found in religious settings such as churches where the light of the sun illuminates figures and designs, bringing to life stories of a religious nature; such as the lives of the saints. St. Christopher is one saint and I recall, from my middle age, a fellow named Danbury who had a St. Christopher statue on the dashboard of his 1934 Desoto Airflow. The last Desoto came off the assembly line in 1961. Automobile assembly lines are often filthy with grease and other materials. Why not rub a quart of grease onto your windows thrice daily? Within a week they should be badly stained.

News of the World: Fabuly 2007

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News From Around Our World (The Earth)

Marseilles, France– the Botot company released its new dental product, Nano Floss, which contains billions of nanites for easier dental hygiene. Test subjects are also reported to have responded more readily to Botot product advertisement.

Nurby Province, Angina– The crop-duster strike has continued into its third week, as farmers walked away from the bargaining table over he issue of a proposed contractual wing allotment.

Casablanca, Morocco– Mohamed bin Alamad has officially announced that his store will offer special discounts as part of a sales promotion.

Berlin, Germany– Federal government officials announced the allocation of 280 million euros to the national defense budget, though some opposition members opposed the spending of over half the allotment on Das kriegerhosen, the now-infamous German armored trousers.

Rome, Italy– Breaking their own record by over seven hours, the Italians have succeeded in having three governments fail in a single day.

London, England– P.M. Tony Blair announced that, upon retiring from politics, he is going to focus on selling off his warehouse full of 18,003 wax replicas of the Great Wall of China, and stated that he would sweeten the offer by throwing in a free tea cozy.

Esperon, Esperia– A study has found that average lawn size in the small state has decreased by 4% over the past decade.

Washington D.C., USA– President Armstrong wowed the White House press corps when he outlined his new energy policy while riding a unicycle.

St. Thaddeus, VI– After last month’s “Lobby Incident,” officials have banned the importation of woven baskets.

Fetterburg, Accadia, USA– Hours after concrete was poured for the new sidewalk on the south side of Lading St. between the 200 block and the 300 block, neighbourhood children vandalized the unset pavement with various ribald phrases. Many contained misspellings.

Al Fashir, Sudan– The European Union began L’Operation Porc-épic, a triphibious assault intended to bring about and end to the country’s multiple humanitarian crises and attempt to clean up the mess created by many of its member states’ colonial pasts.

Fyrine IV– A member of a species later known as “mock turtle” by fighter pilot Willis Davidge, is struck by a meteorite.

Camp Kalisotta, Kalisotta, USA– The last United States Army Air Corps air base closes down. Camp Kalisotta, which spent over 60 years manufacturing balsa wood models for use in table top maps, was closed due to advances in technology and the creation of the United States Air Force.

Bishkek, Kyrgyzstan– Krembik Daglayev has decided to stop farming sugar beets so that he can save enough money to purchase a tractor.

Ashville, North Carolina, USA– Incidents of the use of “Ashvegas, North Kakalaka,” the local colloquial term for the area, have decreased 25%.

Fitzroy, Melbourne, Australia– Roadwork on Bennet St. will continue for at least two more weeks, as crews work around the clock to repair several large pot holes.

Outer Antabia– Ethnic tensions between the Oato and the ruling Minanese have boiled over after ping pong star Ut Myo was caught cheating at a recent exhibition match.

Tokyo, Japan, Sinonipponesia– The Kyasho Concern has unveiled its next generation of androids. The robots can not only recognize facial expressions, but can also climb stairs, sort boxes, catch Frisbees and imitate Johnny Carson.

Diego Garcia, British Indian Ocean Territory– Strange, batlike vehicles have been seen flying over the island. This is the 6000th such incident since the United States began basing B2 stealth bombers on the island.

Epidamnus, Illyria– Thousands of protesters marched through the provincial capital of Epidamnus to protest the country’s moratorium on shoelaces, which was initiated after a severe shortage of those little plastic caps that go on the ends.

Sao Paolo, Brazil– The Sao Paolo city council enacted public decency legislation outlawing the wearing of bikinis and offering a 7 Real bonus to those choosing to wear micro-bikinis.

Luganville, Espiritu Santu, Vanuatu– The Value Added Tax was increased to 13% after a restructuring of the department handling import collections duties which combined that department with the country’s internal revenue services. An extra $477 per year in income is expected.

Jakarta, Indonesia, Sinonipponesia– In an effort to increase their country’s prestige, citizens have taken President Susilo Bambang Ydhoyono’s advice and dug canals across promontories in the country, raising its total number of islands from approximately 17,500 to 22,300.

Bogotá, Colombia– The popular restaurant Umberto’s has added a new menu item which one diner described as a “kind of double taco.”

The March of Progress: Fabuly 2007

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Release of the Picturenary!

picturnary

Every library contains a dictionary, as do many homes and bookshops. And why not? It’s a useful thing, a dictionary, for it lists and defines every last word in the English language. Should you want to know what a word means, how to pronounce it, its category or origin, you need only consult a dictionary. But what about pictures?

Finding information on pictures has always been a difficult task, made perhaps more difficult by the lack of suitable reference materials. This week that all changed as the Movable Type Printing Company announced the publication of the first eight volumes of the long-awaited Picturenary.

Once completed, the multi-volume work will show, with accompanying information and learned commentary, every picture in existence; including photographs, drawings, mosaics, etchings and napkin doodles.

While sought after by several large reference collections, pre-release sales of the Picturenary have been far below expectations. In response to the slow sales, Movable Type Printing announced that they would speed up production; releasing three volumes per year, instead of the two planned.

The currently available eight volumes contain some 43,000 pictures, all of them of aardvarks, the city of Aachen or men named Aaron. By 2012, the Picturenary should move forward into pictures of abacuses and Abbasids. . Photographs of the letter A will be saved for a special series of volumes featuring pictures of words and a series of special volumes have been set aside for abstract art which will include multitudinous interpretations of the work.

Picturenary editor Horvald Tomlinsson was taken aback when asked about the recursive problem of the Picturenary. That is, that for each image shown, a new copy of the image is created requiring another entry in the Picturenary. Tomlinsson responded that perhaps a blue-ribbon panel could study the subject, or the internet could help.

As part of the announcement, Movable Type Printing has requested that all people in the world send in copies of their snap-shots and vacation pictures, especially if they are named Abbey or have recently visited an abbey.

The Sordid History of the Picturenary!

Since the first Cro-Magnon men and women wrecked the cave walls at Lascaux with their graffiti of bison, mankind has dreamed of having a Picturenary. The first attempt to catalogue all known pictures was undertaken in 215 B.C. when Chinese Emperor Chin ordered his artisans to create ceramic miniatures of all known statuary. Unfortunately, Emperor Chin died before the project was completed and it was abandoned during the Great Han Pottery Destruction.

Thousands of miles away and hundreds of years later, the Council of Nicea planned to create a collection of all known pictures of Christ and the Disciples, to act as a companion book to the standardized Bible. This effort was abandoned when the Council of Hippo declared The Pictoriam to be a route to the sinful worship of graven images.

In the early 19th Century, Frenchman Joseph Nicéphore Niépce became the first person ever to successfully compile all known photographs when he placed the first photograph on his desk.

The Picturenary’s only modern antecedent was a DARPA project begun in 1972. The effort relied on creating a miniature black hole in the belief that an object of infinite mass would contain infinite information. Unfortunately the project was found to be missing at least 433 entries after a project scientist looked up a pair of drawings his son had made as a child and found them absent.

It wasn’t until 1998 that an ambitious young editor at Movable Type Printing, a Daniel Bester Inc. company, first began the modern Picturenary, when his collection of pornographic images won the Nobel Prize for Photography Accumulation. And the rest, is history, or more accurately, the rest is current events.

Letters: Fabuly 2007

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Dear Axes & Alleys,
While I normally applaud Montezuma’s thoroughly researched and highly informative answers, last month’s issue was way off target. While it is true that Roxie Epoxy is not a robot, it should be noted that her stage body is animatronic and controlled remotely by offstage puppeteers. Half a truth is not the truth. Please keep a closer eye on Monty from now on.
Sincerely,
Dr. Fig Lugnut
California College of Imagineering
Department of Ecomagination
San Bernardino, CA

Dear Sirs and Madames,
Huzzah to Axes & Alleys and its editors for their continual refusal to run ads sponsored by the barrow industry. For far too long, too many magazines have knuckled under pressure from the AWBA; running adds for wheelbarrows and articles that prominently feature barrows of all sorts. Even children can see wheelbarrows. What about the children? I’m glad Axes & Alleys told the AWBA to take a hike.
Dr. Allison Cameron
Jeparsia, NJ

To the Editors,
Why did you have to run that article about ghosts? Thanks to you, now no one believes in ghosts anymore and no one is willing to buy my ghost protection pills. Can’t I earn a living? Please recant your statements.
James Randy
Fort Lauderdale, FL

To Editor Delores Grunion,
Saltwater is an excellent solution.
Tim Fitztorrent
Bishop’s Landing, NY

Dear Axes & Alleys,
Each month I eagerly await the release of the new issue so that I can pore over the classifieds and yet each month I am continually disappointed. Where are the ads by those making available cute Indian punk girls? Real Indians, from India, not American Indians, mind you. I hear that in Orange County you can’t throw a peach without hitting an Indian punk girl. So what’s up with that, huh?
Carl Leonard
Gator Rapids, Utah

To the Editors,
Why can’t there be more suffering in this world? If each person gave just a little each day, we could make this rotten world really unbearable.
Erin Smedly
Slug on the Bun, Chetfordshire, UK

Dear Sirs,
After sending numerous letters, I am appalled that your garden hose is still draped over my fence, its leaking no doubt caused by a loose nozzle on your side. This continual leaking may lead to rot on the lee side of my property. This is utterly unacceptable. So again I ask you to remove the garden hose before I am forced to write a letter to the Council.
Arthur Retrograde
Katharinetowne, WD

Dear Axes & Alleys,
I have attempted to send letters to my friend Kevin for the past three months. After hearing nothing in reply, I double-checked the address I was sending the letters to and discovered that it was actually your publication’s main office mailbox. Please change your address so that Kevin will receive my letters.
Courtney Cabletoes
Dutkiewicz, Humbria, Slovakiland

Dear Editors,
In your article on foods with angry-sounding names, you left out the perfect example: Toaster Tots. Toaster Tots are a wonderful and handy food with a bloodcurdling nom de guerre. Easily portable, all they require is that you set your toaster to a standard #6 setting, pop them in, and depress the slide on the toaster. They’re Toaster Tots!
Tom Shapney Gafter, Vice President
The Toaster Tots Corporation
Bensonhurst, NY

Axes & Alleys,
I lost my copy of Volume 456-BR6, Issue 18. Could you please send me page nine?
Bondy Brumpster
Branch, KL

Dear Axes & Alleys,
I am upset that you don’t do more to protect the planet. For instance, you exist, so of course resources are taken up putting out the magazine. Couldn’t you help the planet more by shutting down?
Alissa White-Gluz
Montreal, Quebec

Hey Editors,
My friend was making a joke the other day and crawled in an oven. He told me to do it, too, but I thought that as a Gypsy homosexual this was a bad idea. Anyways, I thought you’d probably applaud my decision.
Emyil Prskin
Contrary, AL