During This Month in History…

• 2003 AD: After seven months, four days and nine hours, the band Hovercraft finally breaks the world record for the longest ever rendition of the song “Da Doo Ron Ron.”
• 1996 AD: With two years and 50,000 man hours behind them, Steve Seljuk and his staff of 1200 researchers almost finish cataloging the Internet so that users may easily find what they need on the World Wide Web.
• 1982 AD: Tasmanian heart surgeon Charlotte Canberra invents the first successful cowboy hat for monitor lizards.
• 1953 AD: Yumjaagiyn Tsedenbal, General Secretary of the Mongolian People’s Revolutionary Party, learns about chocolate milk from an old copy of Life magazine. Cocoa-flavored mare’s milk never quite takes off.
• 1929 AD: After losing all his money in the stock market crash, Rodger Yasper Yates begins to regret purchasing 8 million shares of Fake Company Ltd.
• 1881 AD: In order to ring in the new year, young lovers Adeline Smith and Charles Hutley, and their chaperone, share a raspberry phosphate.
• 1643 AD: Scottish pig farmer Malcolm MacDonald fails to be elected to the Papacy.
• 1555 AD: Henry II of France answers a courtier that, yes, he was rather fond of blue. The same courtier then asked Henry to pass the honeyed cakes and was later executed.
• 1416 AD: Roger the Sheepfarmer, while in bed, first thinks himself accursed that he had not ridden with Henry V at Agincourt on St. Crispin’s day.
• 1300 AD: Sirmiq Takiyok wakes up in his igloo and imagines it will likely be another day of seal hunting and the stench of burning blubber. He sighs.
• 1111 AD: Upon taking over his father’s seat, Baldwin of Flanders casually wonders what the world would be like if dogs could talk. To a friend he jokes “If dogs could talk, they’d probably ask for more food.”
• 832 AD: What would become known as the Canary Islands enter their 7000th consecutive year of uselessness.
• 642 AD: As the Muslims storm Egypt, young Malmud of Medina looks up at the Great Pyramid of Cheops and realizes that it is indeed rather tall. Later, upon returning home, he attempts to dramatize the size of the pyramid by using large, sweeping hand gestures.
• 124 AD: A young man found a young woman attractive.
• 3 BC: Multanifi gets bored with the sleep-inducing sounds of the traditional didgeridoo and invents an advanced, oboelike instrument in a matter of hours.
• 795 BC: Some barbarians come steaming through the Asian steppes.
• 1430 BC: This Egyptian joke is inscribed near the source of The Nile: How many Nubians can travel the river together in one boat? Five!
• 2347 BC: Researchers in Atlantis discover that all galaxies appear to be moving away from one another. This discovery is overshadowed by the simultaneous invention of the sandwich.
• 4502 BC: Sumerian barley farmer Shashtafarmmin finds the barely soup he had accidentally left buried in an earthen pitcher for the winter. Later he and his wife invent drunken sloppy sex.